


Grey Surges

by aqd



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Closure, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Mentions of Abusive Relationships, Ocean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-11-02 22:45:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 58,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10954278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aqd/pseuds/aqd
Summary: Lavi’s mouth was suddenly very dry. His glance danced over dark eyes, soft features and a stern mouth and all he could do was to smile.“Yuu,” he said softly and was stunned. Of all people. “Yuu Kanda.”





	1. Found again

**Author's Note:**

> I was dreaming about my last vacation at the North sea (or German sea) and then this happened.
> 
> Trigger warnings: mild sexual content, mentioning of death.

It was a sunny day. The endless sky was clear and ridiculously blue. A warm breeze played with Lavi’s hair and he closed his eye for a second and a pleased sigh escaped his lips. He enjoyed the feeling of soft sand under his bare feet. The sea sparkled in the sunlight and there was the scent of salt-breeze in his nose. The day was absolutely beautiful.  
  
He shoved his hands into his pockets and strolled around. The beach was deserted and it was quiet except for the sound of the sea and a faint call of a seagull. He watched the distant waves and took a deep breath. The last months had been stressful and the vacation did him well. It was his first time going completely alone on a trip. Lavi normally disliked being alone, but he started to enjoy having some time to himself. It was nice to do all day as he pleased without having to be considerate of someone else.  
  
A seagull flew above his head and disappeared behind a dune. Lavi kept walking and tried to savour the quiet after months full of exhaustion and sorrow. After a while he passed a little house between sand dunes and he took his time to examine it. The white paint chipped of in a lot of places and the wooden frames of door and windows were bleached out by the sun. In front of the house were a few plant pots with lots of different flowers. Lavi saw lilies, poppies, wild roses, and much more. He moved on and daydreamed about living by the ocean.  
  
He picked up and pocketed a few pretty shells and crouched down to watch a little crab walking over the sand towards the sea. The breeze grew stronger and he thought about walking back to his car and driving to his vacation home, but then he saw at some distance a figure. He hadn’t seen another person the whole day and even though he was enjoying himself, he would have liked to bandy few words with somebody. He kept moving forwards and slightly frowned when the person plunged into the sea without hesitation. It was a beautiful day, but the water was still anything but warm. Lavi had only dipped his feet in and that was already way too cold for him. He played with the shells in his pocket and sauntered over the slightly wet sand.  
  
After a while he was close enough to see a pile of neatly folded clothes and a washed-out towel. He spotted a dark head between the waves and after a few seconds somebody rose between surges and stepped back onto the beach. The man in front of him was tall and athletic and had beautiful hair. Long inky black strands flowed over his shoulders and back and the sight rang a bell. Lavi started to feel hot and cold simultaneously and stepped closer. He stared in sincere disbelief at the young man.  
  
His counterpart faltered for a moment and had the same bewilderment in his eyes. Then he started to move again to reach for his towel and cut him a look with a deep frown. Lavi’s mouth was suddenly very dry. His glance danced over dark eyes, soft features and a stern mouth and all he could do was to smile.  
  
“Yuu,” he said softly and was stunned. Of all people. “Yuu Kanda.”  
  
Yuu didn’t answer and scrutinized him warily. He hesitated and started to towel himself and slipped into dark pants and a white shirt. He stared at Lavi without a word and his face was unreadable.  
  
“Yuu,” Lavi repeated and now he was standing in front of him. His throat started to feel tight for a moment, but he forced himself to take a deep breath. “I can’t believe it.”  
  
Yuu stopped briefly and looked at him with knitted brows. “Lavi,” he just said and eyed him from head to toe. The sound of his voice sent a shiver down Lavi’s spine. It was a little deeper than he remembered, but there was still this tone, which was so typical for him. Straightforward and so often cutting.  
  
He flicked the towel over his shoulder and started to walk. He wanted to brush past Lavi, but he laid a hand on his arm. His skin felt cold and slightly wet under his fingers. Yuu stopped reluctantly and stared at him. They locked eyes for a short moment. Yuu didn’t return his smile, of course he didn’t.  
  
“Are you on vacation?” It was the first question, which came to his head, and a slightly desperate try to keep him from leaving. Lavi’s stomach started to flutter.  
  
Yuu freed his arm and stepped back. “I’m living here.” He was obviously not eager to talk to him, but there was no way Lavi would have let him leave.  
  
“In the pretty house over there?” he asked and tried to sound confident. Yuu shot a short glance over his shoulder and looked so farouche that Lavi had to take a deep breath to stop the burning sensation behind his eye. “Yuu, I would love to talk to you. It’s been a long time.”  
  
“I’m busy,” he answered sternly without halting and Lavi bit his lip.  
  
“Please.” Yuu stopped. Maybe because of the pain in Lavi’s voice. “Please, Yuu.”  
  
He turned around and scrutinized him. His eyes jumped from Lavi’s eye to the sand under their feet and towards the little house. Then he looked back at him and slowly nodded. He didn’t seem too happy about his own decision. “Come along.”  
  
Lavi exhaled with relief. “Thank you.” Yuu led the way without a word and Lavi followed him. They walked over sand and seashells and Lavi couldn’t believe it.  
  
The last time he had seen Yuu was five years ago. It had been right before their graduation ceremony and everybody had said goodbye, only Yuu had disappeared on the quiet. Lavi had tried to call him on his phone without success and finally had called the landline. Froi had answered and told him that Yuu had moved out in a moonlight flit. A few days later his mobile number had been unobtainable.  
  
They reached Yuu’s door and he shot Lavi a look over his shoulder. “Wipe your feet.”  
  
Lavi did as he was told and entered the small house. Yuu’s home was spartanly furnished and flawlessly clean. The wooden floor felt warm under Lavi’s feet and the smell of tea lingered in the air. Yuu closed the door behind him and walked through the small living room to the spare kitchen unit. He handed Lavi a glass of water and gesticulated towards the small couch at the other end of the room.  
  
“Sit down.”  
  
Then he walked off and disappeared behind a door next to a rickety bookshelf. The small room was nearly empty, aside from the bookshelf and the couch, a desk with a computer, the kitchen unit and a dark carpet, which felt fleecy under Lavi’s feet. Yuu came back wearing different clothes and Lavi watched him tying up his wet hair into a tangled bun. His bangs had grown out, which made his face look a little softer and less sharp.  
  
“I like you hair,” Lavi said a little flustered and took a sip of his water. “Looks good on you.”  
  
“What are you doing here?” Yuu asked straightforward and sat down at the desk. He leaned back before crossing his arms. He was still a little shorter than Lavi, but less lean than in their school days.  
  
“I’m on vacation,” Lavi answered and smiled. “Your house is beautiful.”  
  
Yuu nodded and shoved his hands into his pockets.  
  
Uncomfortable silence ensued. Lavi mirrored Yuu’s posture and his fingers fidgeted with the seashells in his pocket.  
  
“What do you do for a living?” Lavi eventually asked and looked out of the window. The sight was beautiful.  
  
“Coding, home-based,” Yuu replied tersely. “You?”  
  
Lavi took a deep breath. “I studied medicine, but… it didn’t really work out and now I’m reorientating.” Saying it out loud was weird and more than mildly terrifying. Even though he stopped going to university weeks ago it still felt unreal.  
  
Yuu just nodded and both of them fell anew silent for a minute.  
  
“May I ask you something?” Lavi finally asked and leaned back. Yuu looked at him and raised his brows.  
  
“As far as I remember there’s no use saying no.” He looked sullenly at him and the sight was so familiar that Lavi had to laugh. He had ticked Yuu off so often in their youth. His heart felt a little lighter.  
  
“Yeah.” Lavi ruffled the hair on the back of his head and eyed Yuu for a second. “What did you do the last years?”  
  
Yuu frowned and cleared his throat. “This and that.”  
  
Lavi smiled and looked once more out of the window. “Mysterious as always.” His nervousness started to ease.  
  
Yuu looked at him for a few seconds and then got up without a word. He walked over to the kitchen unit and opened one of the old cabinets. Lavi watched the small strands of hair, that had started to come loose and now swirled around his neck with every of his movements. Lavi had always loved his hair.  
  
“Is soba still your favourite dish?” he asked just to break the silence and Yuu didn’t turn around.  
  
“Tempura,” he replied calmly. “My favourite dish is tempura.”  
  
“Ah, right.” Lavi drew up his legs and laid his forehead on his knees. “I forgot.”  
  
“Didn’t you have an eidetic memory or something?” Yuu heated some water and rummaged through the little fridge. Lavi smiled against his knees.  
  
“Nobody’s perfect.”  
  
It was weird. Five years were a long time, but Yuu’s movements and his way of talking were still so familiar, though he appeared to be calmer than his nineteen year old self. Lavi listened to him chopping vegetables while watching the sea and the slowly darkening sky.  
  
“Do you have a degree?” Lavi looked up and examined Yuu, who stirred vegetables and rice in an old pan.  
  
“Bachelor’s degree in informatics and mathematics,” Yuu replied. “I graduated last year.”  
  
“Where did you study?” Lavi stretched his legs and got up.  
  
Yuu tucked a strand of hair behind his ear and generously spiced their meal. “Distance university.”  
  
Lavi stood right beside him and took a deep breath through his nose. “Smells great. I didn’t know you like cooking.”  
  
“I don’t,” answered Yuu. “It’s not like I have a choice.”  
  
“So you live alone?” Lavi looked at him and leaned against the counter. Yuu nodded. “You studied from home and now you work from home. Isn’t that lonely?”  
  
“You call it loneliness, I call it solitude,” Yuu answered lightly and for the first time he seemed less unapproachable. They locked eyes for a short moment before he turned around and opened a cabinet. He handed Lavi a plate. “Are you still as hoggish as I remember?”  
  
Lavi snorted. “No, not anymore.” Yuu put a small serving of fried rice on his plate and Lavi went back to the couch, while Yuu sat down at his desk. They ate in silence and Yuu looked less tense then before. Maybe he had expected Lavi to talk about what had happened five years ago. The reason for his disappearance.  
  
When they were finished the sky was dark blue. Lavi got up and leaned against the windowsill. Yuu did the dishes while he watched the dark sky and listened to chinking and clattering.  
  
“Can I stay tonight?” he asked into the silence and the clinking of dishes fell silent momentary. Their eyes met and Yuu contemplated for a long moment. Something unreadable briefly flared up in his dark eyes. Then he nodded. Lavi smiled at him and walked towards the little kitchen unit and grabbed a towel to dry the dishes. They worked without talking and every unintentional contact of their hands sent shivers down Lavi’s spine.  
  
“I have work to do,” Yuu said after a while and handed him the last glass. He nodded towards his computer. “You can have the bed.”  
  
Lavi looked at him and slightly tilted his head. “Aren’t you a morning person?”  
  
“Things change.” Yuu walked towards the door next to the bookshelf and Lavi followed him. The bedroom was small and a little homelier than the rest of the house. Yuu showed him the tiny bathroom and handed him spare clothing and a toothbrush. Lavi thanked him and hopped into the narrow shower. The water didn’t really warm up and made him shiver. He dried himself off and slipped into the soft slacks and shirt Yuu had given him. They were too wide and kept slipping over his hipbones. He threw his own clothes into the battered washing machine. Then he stepped back into the bedroom and shot a glance out of the door. Yuu sat in front of his computer with his back to Lavi and typed long lines into his keyboard. The living room was dark except for an old desk lamp and the screen.  
  
“Good speed, Yuu,” he said silently and Yuu looked briefly at him.  
  
“Goodnight.” He turned back to his screen and Lavi watched him a few more seconds before he walked to the bed. He raised the blanket and lay down. The sheets seemed to be fresh and smelled like detergent. Lavi laid his eyepatch on the nightstand and examined his surroundings. An old wooden wardrobe, a dresser and a chair with folded clothes. The walls were as empty as the one in the living room except for two framed pictures right beside the nightstand. Lavi examined the smiling faces of Alma and Yuu’s mother, who appeared so timeless in their happiness. Yuu took very much after his mother. They had the same dark hair and eyes, the same soft features, the same long lashes, but his mother looked so much more gleeful than her son. The sight caused Lavi to think about his own mother and he quickly looked away and back at the picture of Alma. Yuu’s best friend, his confidant.  
  
Truth to be told, he hadn’t thought about Alma in months. Five years were a long time. In the past he had sometimes wondered what course Alma’s life would have taken. Then his own problems had grown bigger and bigger and Alma had faded into the background. Together with Yuu, who had never stopped crossing Lavi’s mind, until things had started to go completely south.  
  
It was a beautiful photo. Alma seemed to radiate easiness and light-headedness, something Yuu had been missing ever since Lavi had known him. Alma had always been a drop too much and Yuu a drop too little and sometimes Alma’s radiance had rubbed off on him. He had been the only one to succeed and make Yuu sincerely laugh. Lavi looked at him and sighed. He rolled over and switched off the light. Velvety darkness enveloped him and he closed his eye. It was completely silent except for Yuu’s fingers on his keyboard and the faint sound of the ocean. Lavi was quickly lulled into a peaceful half-sleep. The sheets felt soft against his naked arms and after a while the scent of green tea reached his nose.

 

When he woke up daylight was already spilling through the window next to him. Lavi stayed a few more minutes in bed before sitting up. He stretched with relish and got up.  
  
Yuu sat at his desk and scrutinized the screen with a scowl. He turned around as soon as he heard Lavi.  
  
“Did you work the whole night?” Lavi asked and propped himself on the back of Yuu’s chair.  
  
“The fucking code doesn’t work and I don’t know why,” he answered sullenly and hacked a few lines into his keyboard. He rubbed tiredly his face before he looked up to Lavi. “Eat breakfast and go for a walk or something. I’m unbearable until I locate the error.”  
  
Lavi snorted. “Thanks for the warning. Can I burrow some clothes?”  
  
“Take whatever you want. Your clothes are drying outside,” Yuu said abstractedly and looked back on the screen. Lavi left him alone and took a fast shower before he picked out some clothes of Yuu’s lackluster wardrobe. He walked back into the living room and towards the kitchen unit, while Yuu still sat grouchily in front of his computer and scrolled through his code. Lavi took an apple and left the little house. The sand felt slightly cold under his bare feet and it was less warm than the previous day. He walked a few metres before he sat down and ate his apple while the cold water washed around his feet. The sun was hidden behind grey clouds and the ocean looked darker than yesterday. He watched the waves and a boat in a good distance and listened to the call of seagulls and the rushing of the ocean.  
  
It was strange. Five years had felt like an eternity, but now they had clicked back into place like two cogwheels. Lavi felt the need to talk about what had happened and how much Yuu’s disappearance had hurt him, but this would have meant also to talk about the reason for his flight and Lavi didn’t dare to approach the subject of Alma. He had seen Yuu only once after the calamity, which had ripped him out of Lavi’s life, and he’d never forget the look in his eyes and the desperate try to hide devouring dismay behind his old guardian and companion rage. Lavi had tried to talk to him, to reach him, to touch him, but Yuu had been cold and frozen under his hands and words, and had left without turning back. Lavi had cried for weeks.  
  
He didn’t know how much time had passed when Yuu appeared next to him. He looked calmer.  
  
“Does it work now?” Lavi asked and forced a smile on his face. Yuu nodded and casted off his shirt. Lavi raised a brow. “Seriously?” Yuu nodded a second time and slipped out of his pants. He walked a few steps before he stopped and turned towards Lavi. He raised his brows questioning. Lavi got up and smiled lopsided. “The water is really cold.”  
  
“Yes, it is,” Yuu answered and deadpanned at him. “Yes or no?”  
  
Lavi hesitated before he pulled himself together and undressed quickly. “But only up to the knees.”  
  
In the end he didn’t even come as far. The water felt freezing against his calves and he was already shivering, while Yuu didn’t seem to be very bothered.  
  
“Since when do you like open water? If I remember correctly you couldn’t even swim,” Lavi asked jittering.  
  
“I learned it,” he answered lightly and dove into the grey water. Lavi waded back to the beach and wrapped himself in the towel. He sat down and watched him disappearing and emerging between the waves as if he had never done something else. Yuu’s lips were a little blue when he had finally enough and Lavi handed him the towel.  
  
“Was the first time swimming in the ocean scary?” Lavi asked and examined him.  
  
“Terrifying,” Yuu answered serenely.

 

They spent the day in nearly utter silence. Lavi sat with drawn up legs on the couch and read a book while Yuu sat at his desk and worked. From time to time Lavi stopped and just watched him. He wore his hair once more in a messy knot. Thin strands stuck out and touched his neck and framed his face. Lavi’s eye lingered on his sun-kissed shoulders and the line of his neck. He absorbed the details of his symmetrical face; dark eyes, surrounded by dark lashes, encompassed by dark hair. His features were still soft, but his jaw was a little wider, a little manlier. Yuu sipped on his water and Lavi watched the movement of his Adam’s apple, the book in his hands forgotten.  
  
His thoughts wandered back to the night of Yuu’s nineteenth birthday and the fine hair on his arms rose and a soft shiver erupted between his shoulder blades. They had stood together in the dark staircase of Yuu’s family home and his heart had throbbed so fast that Yuu had to hear it. It had been the night before the catastrophe.  
  
“Hungry?” Yuu asked and Lavi was back in the here and now. He wasn’t, like so often in the last weeks, but he knew that he had to eat. Yuu looked at him and he nodded with the same vacuous smile he hid behind so frequently. He got up and Lavi did likewise.  
  
They stood next to each other at the kitchen counter and chopped vegetables. “How do you exactly earn you living?” Lavi asked and cut a zucchini into fine slices. Yuu stopped hacking parsley for a moment and looked at him.  
  
“I work for a meteorological institute. Coding, data preparation, handling and analysis and shit. I also look after a weather station and take care of a database.” He snatched a piece zucchini from the cutting board and Lavi watched it disappearing between his lips. “I work in a team of four people.”  
  
“Sounds interesting. Do you like your colleagues?” Lavi asked and reached for a bell pepper.  
  
Yuu shrugged. “No idea. We have once a month a meeting, but I never show up. I think they hate me,” he said even-minded and Lavi snorted.  
  
“And they don’t fire you?” he wanted to know and ate a piece of bell pepper.  
  
“My work is good and also I’m the only one, who doesn’t live hours away from the fucking weather station,” he answered drily and his elbow brushed Lavi’s upper arm as he tucked a long strand of hair behind his ear. “How’s the old fart?”  
  
“Alive and kicking,” Lavi replied and started to chop onions. “He’s nearly ninety and spends his days reading and nagging at me. How’s your family?”  
  
A frown flitted across Yuu’s face and Lavi got the feeling that he asked the wrong question. “Good.” Yuu’s voice sounded slightly less as ease than before and then he shooed Lavi aside to open a cabinet.  
  
Lavi did the dishes while Yuu prepared stir-fry. “Smells nice,” he said after a while and Yuu only nodded. Lavi examined him and leaned against the counter. “Can I stay tonight as well?” he asked and now Yuu darted him a short look. His eyes wandered over Lavi’s face and stuck briefly to his eyepatch.  
  
“Okay,” he answered after a long moment and didn’t return Lavi’s smile.

 

A few hours later Lavi stood again half-naked on the beach and watched Yuu disappearing between greyish waves and sea foam. The water still was cold and he still wasn’t very eager to dip more than a toe in the sea, but Yuu’s hair clung to his neck and he looked at Lavi every time he emerged. He hesitatingly started to walk into the water and towards Yuu, who swam his way.  
  
“Careful. The ground drops after a few metres,” he exclaimed against the sound of wind and sea. Lavi was already up to his waist in the water and shivered miserably.  
  
“Where?” he asked through his chattering teeth and of course he managed to step right into the descent. The ground disappeared under his feet and suddenly he was surrounded by murky sea water. He didn’t even have the time to react, because immediately two strong hands closed around his arms and his head broke through the surface. He gasped for air and blinked against saltwater. He wrapped an arm around Yuu’s neck without thinking and rubbed his eye.  
  
“Here,” deadpanned Yuu at him and Lavi started to laugh. They locked eyes and Lavi’s laugh faded away. He hesitated before he also wrapped his second arm around Yuu, who kept both of them at the surface without trouble. Fine drops of water stuck to his long lashes and he was so warm amidst the cold sea. His shoulders felt broad and strong under Lavi’s hands.  
  
“Yuu.” His voice was drowned by the sound of sea. Yuu’s hands brushed his sides and got a hold of his hips and his feet touched Yuu’s moving legs. Lavi felt warmth spreading across his face and curled his fingers slightly into Yuu’s shoulders. Then the ground was under his feet and Yuu -and thus his warmth- disappeared. Lavi watched him swimming out before he stepped back on the beach. He towelled himself and slipped back into his -Yuu’s- clothes before sitting down. He took his wet eyepatch of and carefully dried his face.  
  
His fingers played with wet sand and seashells when Yuu finally left the water. Lavi looked up to him and Yuu returned his look without hesitation. The corners of Lavi’s mouth twitched slightly and Yuu turned away to get dressed. Together they walked back to Yuu’s home.

Later that night Yuu stood at the kitchen counter and heated water, while Lavi sat on the couch and tried to read, but he couldn’t concentrate. He wavered shortly before he got up. His bare feet were nearly soundless on the worn down floor. He stopped behind Yuu and reached out. The tips of his fingers touched his upper arms. Yuu didn’t flinch. He also didn’t turn around.  
  
Lavi stroke gently down his arms and a shiver flitted down Yuu’s back. He watched how the fine hair on his arms rose and then softly touched the downy hair on the back of his neck.  
  
“Yuu,” he whispered and stepped a little closer. His breath floated over Yuu’s back and Lavi smelled soap and salt. “Do you think sometimes about the night of your birthday?”  
  
Yuu’s voice was very even. “Occasionally.”  
  
Lavi smiled and wanted to hide his face between Yuu’s shoulder blades, but he didn’t. Instead he stepped back and sat down on the couch.  
  
Yuu poured in a cup of tea and sat down at his desk. Lavi took the book back in his hands but didn’t open it. Instead he looked out of the window and at the dark sky. He loved the ever-present rushing of the ocean. It was very soothing.  
  
“I think often about the night of your birthday,” he said into the silence and Yuu’s fingers hovered over the keyboard before he started typing again. Lavi closed his eye and remembered the feeling of Yuu’s lips on his own, so long ago. A little clumsy and so warm. Lavi had felt like bubbling over and dissolving at the same time. When he opened his eye he caught Yuu looking at him. His dark eyes were unfathomable and flickered to his lips. “Do you want me to sleep on the couch?”  
  
Yuu shook his head and looked back at the screen. “You can have the bed. I’ll work.”  
  
“Two nights in a row?” Lavi asked and moved his fingers slowly over the cover of the book in his hands. Yuu just nodded without answering. Lavi got up, laid the book on the couch and walked towards the bedroom. He made a short detour through the bathroom and then climbed only in slacks under the blanket. His eye shortly stayed on the picture of Alma before he turned away and switched off the light. He lay in the darkness and listened to the sound of fingers on keys and the ocean. _Yuu_ was in the room next to him. All he could think about were his strong hands, his eyes, his hair, his lips. Lavi’s hands became antsy and he stared into the darkness. He didn’t know how much time had passed when he heard the loud clinking of a glass. A few seconds later the sound of steps came closer. Lavi still lay on his side and didn’t move. Yuu stood in the door, maybe to check if had woken him up. Lavi could only see his silhouette. He held his breath and Yuu left after a moment and the sound of fingers on keys was back. Lavi blinked into the darkness before he quickly got up and walked silently into the living room.  
  
Yuu stared concentrated on the screen and the fingers of his left hand tapped impatiently on the armrest of his chair. Lavi examined the messy bun, which suited him so well, and tentatively reached out. Yuu’s fingers only paused for a second before they kept going. Lavi’s hand stroke over his nape and he wrapped one of the inky black strands around his index finger.  
  
“I missed you,” Lavi softly said and Yuu turned around and looked at him. Lavi examined his beautiful face and smiled genuinely at him. Yuu slightly frowned and then his dark eyes wandered from Lavi’s face over his neck to his bare chest.  
  
“You lost weight.” His voice was calm and steady as always. His eyes rested for a moment on Lavi’s prominent hip bones before he looked back into his eye. Lavi’s smile flickered a little and Yuu’s frown deepened.  
  
“Are you not going to ask me about my eye? And the scars?” Lavi asked and suddenly felt very vulnerable and inferior. Yuu’s face was as unblemished as five years ago. Smooth skin, no scars. He resisted the urge to cross his arms, but couldn’t stop himself from moving his right arm slightly to cover the worst scar on his side.  
  
“Do you want me to ask?” Yuu examined him and Lavi wanted to sink right into his eyes and hide between lashes and darkness.  
  
“I don’t know what I want,” he softly answered and gently tucked a strand of hair behind Yuu’s ear. Lavi didn’t miss the hint of warmth that creeped over Yuu’s neck. His own cheeks reddened and he bit his lip. Something flared up in Yuu’s eyes and this time Lavi could easily pin it down. He took his hand away and stepped back without breaking eye contact. “I’m going back to bed.” Yuu didn’t say anything but he also didn’t look away. Lavi turned around and felt Yuu’s gaze on his back until he walked through the bedroom door. He lay back down on top of the blanket with his back towards the door. His restless hands played with a corner of his pillow and he strained his ears. _Please_.  
  
He heard the sound of a chair pushed back and inhaled deeply. Yuu’s steps were silent and Lavi’s heart started to race. The floor of the bedroom softly creaked under Yuu’s feet and Lavi didn’t dare to move until he felt the mattress dipping behind his back. Then he turned around and looked up to Yuu, who bent over him. They locked eyes for a long moment like in this night five years ago. Lavi reached out and the tips of his fingers brushed Yuu’s shoulder.  
  
And then Yuu was finally over him and his mouth on Lavi’s. The kiss was cautious, almost timid, and so soft and so warm that Lavi wanted to melt. Yuu drew back a little and examined him, a hint of tentativeness in his eyes, something Lavi had never observed before on him. Lavi smiled candidly at him and laid his hand on his cheek. “Yuu,” he whispered into the darkness and his voice floated for a moment between them, before Yuu lowered himself a little and their lips touched once more. Yuu tasted like green tea and Lavi wrapped his arms around his shoulders. The kiss was slow and heartfelt and suddenly Lavi felt like he did when he was eighteen. His back pressed against the cold wall of the dark staircase of Yuu’s parental home. The feeling of Yuu’s hair against his forehead and cheeks. Yuu’s lips on his own. His heart fluttered like such a short while and at the same time an eternity ago. He gently bit Yuu’s lip like he had back then, but this time there wasn’t a sound on the top of the stairs which caused them to fly apart. This time it was peaceful and unimpeded and his heart was beating once more so fast that Yuu had to hear it.  
  
Yuu’s weight pushed Lavi deep into the mattress and he bathed in his warmth. Yuu’s hands started to wander over his shoulder, his cheek, into his hair and Lavi tightened the embrace and brought them even closer together. He felt so solid, so steady under Lavi’s arms and he sighed against his lips. Then Yuu’s breath danced over his skin and he pressed kisses down his neck while Lavi reached into his bun and loosened the hair tie. Soft inkiness spilled over his shoulders and brushed over Lavi’s skin. Yuu smelled like sea breeze and soap and his skin tasted a little salty. His hands delved over Lavi’s skin and his scars, even the big one on his side he was so self-conscious about.  
  
He exhaled every time Yuu’s lips and teeth touched him. His fingers dipped into the waistband of Lavi’s pants and Yuu shot him a questioning look Lavi barely could see in the darkness. He nodded and sighed when the pants slipped down his hips. He watched Yuu casting off his shirt and carelessly throwing it on the floor. Then he was back over him and his mouth on Lavi’s throat.  
  
“Yuu,” he whispered. “Yuu.”  
  
“Yeah?” Yuu’s breath wafted over his ear and his hand slowly wandered down his front. Lavi softly bit his lip and gently tugged at his pants. Yuu hummed against his skin and his pants landed next to his shirt on the floor. Lavi took his face in his hands and kissed him.  
  
“Yuu,” he repeated against his lips and Yuu’s hand creeped through his hair. His nails touched Lavi’s scalp and made him shiver. “You remember that?”  
  
Yuu nodded and propped himself on his elbows. His hands played with Lavi’s hair like they had sometimes in the past. Lavi winded a leg around his hips and Yuu’s hands left his hair and started to wander over his body.  
  
Lavi kept saying his name. Silent and soft, throaty and loud, breathy and nearly inaudible. Yuu said nothing, because he had always been taciturn, but his breath floated over Lavi’s skin, careful and calm, harsh and eager, then gentle and satiated.  
  
Later they lay next to each other in the darkness and Lavi enjoyed his warmth and the hand threading though his hair. Lavi felt feathery and molten at the same time and couldn’t remember the last time he had been so at ease.


	2. Shards of Glass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for the nice comments and kudos!
> 
> Trigger warning:  
> Mentions of abusive relationships

It was already morning when Lavi woke up. He was alone. He sat up and smiled as he discovered on his shoulder a little bit of redness Yuu’s mouth had left behind. He found him sitting at his desk, absorbed in work.  
  
“Morning,” he softly said and Yuu turned around. They examined each other for a moment, before Lavi quickly stepped closer and gave him a brief, slightly clumsy kiss. Then he drew back a little and examined at him questioning. Yuu looked at him the blink of an eye before he leaned forward and kissed him and answered his question. Lavi closed his eye and let out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding. Yuu’s warm hands softly touched his sides and Lavi embraced him. It could have go on like this forever, Lavi’s arms around Yuu’s shoulders, Yuu’s hands on his naked skin, but Yuu had otherwise in mind. His mouth disappeared from Lavi’s and he got up.  
  
“Eat something,” he ordered. “More than an apple.”  
  
“And then?” Lavi asked and walked to the kitchen unit.  
  
“I’ll go for a swim and you can tag along,” Yuu answered and filled the water boiler before turning it on.  
  
“Sounds nice.” Lavi smiled at him and rummaged through the fridge.

 

In the end Lavi only watched this time. A sharp breeze mussed up his hair and he was already cold even without sea water. Yuu’s head disappeared under a wave and emerged again only a moment later. Lavi took a pale seashell in his hand and brushed his thumb over the bumpy surface. He brought it up to his nose and inhaled. He loved the smell of salt and waves.  
  
Yuu left the water and Lavi handed him the towel. He dried himself off half-heartedly and then crouched down next to him. His ponytail clung to his sun-kissed skin and fine drops landed on Lavi’s arm. He held out the seashell to Yuu, who raised his eyebrows.  
  
“I love the smell,” Lavi explained and Yuu nodded. Lavi reached out and brushed a long strand out of Yuu’s face. “What gave you the idea to move here?”  
  
Yuu sat down next to him and wiped his face with the back of his hand. “I lived here and there the first months while figuring out what to do and then I came across a town a few kilometres away. Shortly afterwards I landed here,” he answered calmly and watched the sea.  
  
They fell silent for a while until Yuu moved slightly. Lavi looked up and raised his brows, because Yuu examined him. “What’s up?”  
  
“Just tell me,” he said and Lavi didn’t understand. Yuu’s eyes wandered back to grey waves and sea foam. “Yesterday. You asked why I didn’t say something about your eye and the scars.” He frowned and rubbed a little bit of wet sand between thumb and index finger. “It’s none of my business unless you want to tell me.”  
  
Lavi blinked and turned the seashell in his hands. “Okay.”  
  
“And if you don’t want to tell me, I’m fine with that, too.” He got up and flicked the towel over his shoulder. “Don’t wait for me to ask, because I’m not going to.” He held his hand out and Lavi took it. Yuu hauled him up with ease.  
  
“Alright,” he answered and smiled at him. “I see.”

 

“Can you cook?” Yuu asked later and powered down his computer. His damp hair swirled loose around his shoulders. Lavi got up and twisted the dark falls between his fingers. It shined like wet lacquer in the sun. It was already afternoon.  
  
“A little,” he answered silently and Yuu got up.  
  
“A little is enough,” he said and his fingers touched faintly the back of Lavi’s hand. “Do you want me to help or can I go for a short run?”  
  
“Aren’t you scared that I burn your house down?” His hands were back in Yuu’s hair.  
  
“A little,” he echoed and made Lavi laugh. Then he stepped back and Lavi watched him putting on his shoes and tying his hair up into a tangled knot.  
  
Lavi gazed after him through the window for a short moment before he went through the half-empty fridge and cabinets. A few vegetables, eggs, lots of rice and noodles. In the end he prepared pasta with homemade tomato sauce. Yuu was soon back and took a deep breath through his nose.  
  
“That smells like more than a little,” he said while slipping out of his shoes and Lavi looked at him. Fine strands of hair stuck out of his bun and framed his face. His cheeks were slightly reddened.  
  
“Your timing is perfect.” Lavi put a big serving on a plate and handed it over. “Your fridge is kinda empty.”  
  
Yuu sat down on the couch and Lavi next to him. “I don’t go often grocery shopping. The next town is quite far by foot.”  
  
“You don’t have a car?” Lavi asked and furrowed his brows. Yuu just shook his head. “What if there’s an emergency or something?”  
  
“There wasn’t one thus far,” he answered unconcernedly. He darted him a look and took a bite. “Not bad.”  
  
“Thanks.” Lavi smiled at him and the fine line between Yuu’s eyebrows softened for a moment. They finished their meal and afterwards they went for a long walk along the beach in comfortable silence.  
  
Yuu didn’t seem to be surprised by the fact that Lavi talked so much less than in the past. Maybe it was because of his sharp cheekbones, the rings under his eyes or the exhaustion behind his smile. Or probably, maybe, likely he didn’t care. Lavi had no idea and enjoyed it. Feigning had been gruelling, even though he was a practised actor. Lavi had always been good at hiding behind smiles and jokes. But now his façade was left behind between sand and sea shells.  
  
“I’m here by car. We could drive to the next town to restock,” he said between dunes and Yuu shot him a look over his shoulder. The breeze played with his hair and Lavi couldn’t stop watching.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
They continued their walk and the only sound was the rushing of the waves.

 

In the evening Lavi lay on the small couch and read one of Yuu’s sparse books while Yuu sat at his desk once more and worked. Lavi listened to the clatter of the keyboard and slipped a finger under his eyepatch. He laid the book down on his chest and examined Yuu a long moment.  
“I fell through a glass door.” The words stumbled out of Lavi’s mouth.  
  
Yuu looked up and blinked at him. “What?” His fingers hovered over the keys.  
  
“My eye,” Lavi repeated and suddenly he was very fidgety. His fingers played with the strap of his eyepatch, the belt loops of his slightly too big pants, the book on his chest. “Somebody pushed me through a glass door. Six months ago.”  
  
Yuu looked at him and this time his expression was different. He didn’t say a word and Lavi understood. A chance to back out. But Lavi didn’t want to back out.  
  
“A really bad relationship,” he just said and inspected his hands. The silence became onerous and Lavi didn’t know if he heard the rushing of the sea or the rushing of his own blood in his ears.  
  
“Is it over?” Yuu’s voice was solid as a rock and Lavi nodded before looking up. His dark eyes were unreadable and suddenly Lavi was crying. He pulled off his eyepatch and hid his face behind his hands. Yuu got up without a word and grabbed a paper towel and handed it to Lavi.  
  
“Thanks,” he said breathy and turned over onto his side. Yuu crouched down next to him, a sharp line between his brows. Lavi took a shaky breath and his fingers flitted over Yuu’s arm, fidgeting with his shirt. Yuu examined his face. His scars, his sunken eyelid, his blotchy cheeks.  
  
“How about going to bed?” Yuu asked silently and his eyes softened. He radiated such a sense of calm that Lavi’s chest felt a little less tight.  
  
“Okay,” he whispered and got up. Yuu went ahead and raised the blanket, like Lavi’s mother had done so many, many years ago and then they lay next to each other. Lavi cried against Yuu’s neck and his warm hand was steady and soothing between his shoulder blades. After a little eternity Lavi’s breath smoothed out and his eyelids grew heavy.

 

In the morning Yuu was gone, like the day before, and Lavi found him sitting in front of his computer.  
  
“Don’t tell me you were up all night,” he said and Yuu got up. His hair was still in the messy bun and the rings under his eyes were impressive. “Three nights in a row?”  
  
“I don’t sleep much,” he answered and stretched. His back cracked and he grimaced. “I’m nearly done with my workload.”  
  
“And then?” Lavi asked and rubbed his face. His eyelids were puffy.  
  
“Then I’m done for this week,” Yuu explained and walked over to the kitchen unit. “Take a shower. I’ll make breakfast.”  
  
Lavi did as he was told and a quick -and cold- shower later he sat at the table and Yuu served omelette. He sat cross-legged on the counter and examined Lavi.  
  
“You look like shit,” he remarked and Lavi snorted.  
  
“You aren’t looking your best yourself,” he countered and Yuu shrugged.  
  
“I’m crisp like morning dew, shithead.” Yuu deadpanned at him and Lavi laughed.  
  
They kept bickering and bantering like in the old days, even though a few things were clearly different. Yuu was less irritable than as a teen and Lavi’s levity was somewhere lost between shards of glass and academic failure. He also had the feeling that Yuu acted like his younger self to cheer him up. It worked.  
  
They finished and Lavi did the dishes while Yuu did the laundry. After drying off the last plate he went out and helped him hanging out clothes and bed linen.  
  
“And now?” he asked when the laundry basket was empty.  
  
“And now we take your car and do the grocery shopping,” Yuu answered and wanted to pass by, but Lavi took his face between his hands. They kissed between flapping sheets and Lavi felt a little lighter, a little blither.  
  
“Can we stop by my vacation home? Your clothes are too big for me.”  
  
Yuu nodded and touched his wrist for a moment, before he stepped back. “I’ll take a shower. Can you water the plants?”  
  
Lavi watered lilies, wild roses, forget-me-not, snap dragons and lots of poppies. Behind the house was another row of flower pots and he wetted tomato plants, carrots, cornflowers and even more poppies.  
  
“I didn’t know you had a green thumb,” Lavi said as Yuu stepped out. He had his hair in a wet ponytail, which left damp spots on the back of his shirt.  
  
“Now you know,” he answered. “Do you need shoes?”  
  
“I have a pair in my car,” Lavi replied and they started to walk. The sun creeped through grey clouds and he enjoyed the warmth on his face. They walked through sand and over sea shells and Lavi’s hand sneaked towards Yuu’s. “Thank you for last night.”  
  
They eyes met for a moment then Yuu looked back at the ocean. He shook his head slightly without saying anything. They walked the rest of the way in silence.  
  
Later they sat in Lavi’s old car and drove to his vacation home. Yuu watched the clouds and Lavi watched the road and him in turns. They packed Lavi’s stuff quickly and Yuu insisted surly on hefting everything alone into the trunk. Lavi gave the keys back to the landlady, who lived next door, and had to promise faithfully that everything was to his utmost satisfaction. Then they hit the road and Yuu directed him to the next town.  
  
They drove over red cobble-stone pavement and passed houses as beautiful as Yuu’s, though in a better shape, and stopped near a little restaurant.  
  
“I worked here in my first two semesters,” Yuu explained and led the way. Lavi followed him and glanced around.  
  
“As a waiter?” he asked and Yuu grimaced.  
  
“Hell no, in the kitchen.” He cut him a look and Lavi gave a laugh. “I chopped stuff and did the dishes and shit.”  
  
Quite a few people greeted Yuu, who most of the time only nodded.  
  
“You know a lot of people,” Lavi commented and Yuu shoved his hands into his pockets.  
  
“Inevitable after five years.” They walked over a street and towards a little grocery store.  
  
“So you really lived the whole time here?” Lavi examined him.  
  
“Yeah. The first few weeks as a lodger in town and then later in my own four walls.” They walked through the store and Yuu stacked a plethora of rice and noodles in the shopping cart. “I have a deal with my landlady. I can reside nearly rent-free and in return I take care of the repairs myself and help her with her computer.” Lavi raised an eyebrow and Yuu rolled his eyes. “She’s old as dirt and computer-illiterate. At least once per week I have to go over and explain her how to send mails and shit.”  
  
He looked sullenly at Lavi, who couldn’t bite back laughter. “Yuu, the saviour of grannies in distress. I like that.”  
  
“Lovely,” he grumbled and threw masses of bell peppers, zucchinis and tomatoes in the shopping cart. “Go get some eggs and whatever you want to eat.”  
  
Lavi smiled at him and disappeared between shelves.  
  
Shortly afterwards they stood at the register and Yuu payed while Lavi’s fingers found their way into his ponytail.  
  
“Do you get seasick?” Yuu asked as they walked towards the car and Lavi frowned.  
  
“I don’t know. Why?”  
  
Yuu’s dark eyes brushed him before he looked at the car. “The weather station,” he just said and loaded the groceries on the back seat. “Have you ever been in a lighthouse?”  
  
Lavi stopped and looked at him mouth agape for a short moment. “Really?”  
  
Yuu frowned. “Don’t expect too much. I have to look after the damn thing. I can do the most from home, but once per month I check if everything is in order.” They got in the car and fastened their seatbelts. “Do you want to tag along?”  
  
Lavi nodded and started the engine. “That sounds like fun.”  
  
“Seriously, don’t expect too much.”  
  
They found a place to park, which was closer to Yuu’s home, and brought the groceries and Lavi’s stuff inside and picked up Yuu’s laptop. Then they walked over the beach and Lavi could already see the lighthouse from afar. Sea foam lapped around their ankles and a soft breeze played with Lavi’s hair. After a little while he spotted another house with a long slim stage and a short figure, which turned out to be an old lady. She started to wave as soon as they got closer and Yuu’s bugged face made Lavi laugh.  
  
“Oh dear,” they were greeted. “Kanda, dear.” Yuu looked daggers at him, because he couldn’t bite back laughter. “Dear, who’s that?”  
  
“I’m Lavi. Nice to meet you,” he introduced himself and shook her hand. She examined him with narrowed eyes.  
  
“I need your boat.” Yuu deadpanned at her and she rolled her eyes and raised her hands.  
  
“Oh my, always so grumpy.” She patted his back patronizingly and turned back to Lavi. “Are you his friend?” She shot Yuu a doubtful look. “Since when do you have friends?”  
  
“I need your boat,” repeated Yuu evenly and stared at her.  
  
“Is he really always like this?” She asked Lavi and now patted his back. “Always so grumpy.”  
  
“I need your boat. Now.”  
  
“Are you single, young man?” The old lady now wanted to know and scrutinized Lavi closely. “I have a granddaughter your age.”  
  
“Boat. Now.”  
  
“Oh dear, I heard you the first five times. Yeah, yeah. Take it.” She rolled her eyes again and smiled impish at him. “Aren’t you a grouchy little rascal.” She walked towards her house and opened the door. “Always so impolite.” She came back with a set of keys, which she handed to Yuu. Then she pinched his cheek and shook Lavi’s hand, who somehow managed to skip laughing and straight went over to crying. Yuu looked at her with murder in his eyes and stomped towards the stage. Lavi followed him and soon they stood in front of a small motorboat.  
  
“Stop laughing and get in here,” Yuu said sullenly and Lavi climbed still snickering clumsily into the cockleshell.  
  
“Was that your landlady?” he wanted to know and Yuu nodded surly before sitting down. Lavi followed suit and then they were on their way towards the lighthouse, which stood on a small rocky island. The building had red and white stripes and Lavi loved it. “That’s beautiful.”  
  
Yuu nodded with the hand on the tiller and Lavi leaned back. “Can we stop for a moment?” he asked and Yuu looked at him for a second before he slowed down. The sound of the motor ceased and the rushing of ocean and wind took over. The wind was a lot stronger at sea and Lavi enjoyed the strong salt-breeze. Little grey waves sploshed against the side of the boat and felt very cold under his fingers. The lighthouse looked impressive from this angle.  
  
Yuu stirred and then he was surrounded by warmth. He put his woollen cardigan around Lavi’s shoulders. “You’re cold.”  
  
Lavi hadn’t notice the slight shivering, because he had been too absorbed in the sight and sound.  
  
“Thanks,” he said silently and Yuu examined him calmly for a moment before he restarted the engine.  
  
“Let’s keep going. It looks like rain.”  
  
Lavi huddled into the cardigan, which had still Yuu’s warmth between its stitches and watched his hair fluttering in the strong breeze. Their feet touched and after a moment Lavi crawled between his legs to nestle between them. His head lay on Yuu’s thigh, the fabric of his pants felt a little rough against his cheek. Yuu’s hand wandered over the back of his neck and Lavi closed his eye for a moment, before looking up to Yuu, who was focused on the water in front of them. His eyes looked against the grey of sea and ocean even darker.  
  
Yuu had hurt him, terribly. But only because he had been hurt himself, way worse than Lavi. And now he had appeared out of thin air between sand and seawater and Lavi had a once in a lifetime chance to have him back. And he wanted him back, so desperately that he would have done anything. Lavi’s throat started to tingle and he vigorously blinked until the grey in grey stopped to grow hazy in front of his eye.  
  
The boat slowed down and Yuu moved slightly and Lavi got up. They stopped at an aged stage, which was higher than the one at the beach. Yuu placed one foot on the stage and then his hands were around Lavi’s waist, who wrapped his arms around his neck.  
  
“You’re so strong,” he whispered into his hair and Yuu hummed softly.  
  
“You’re so skinny,” he replied and Lavi’s feet touched the stage. He hands flowed over Yuu’s naked arms and he felt goosebumps.  
“Now you’re cold.”  
  
Yuu’s nose brushed Lavi’s cheek and he shook his head and stepped back. He led the way towards the lighthouse and Lavi followed him. The stage creaked under their feet and the wind creeped through the stitches of Yuu’s cardigan.  
  
The lighthouse stood heavenwards in front of them and Lavi tilted his head back. Fine drizzles of seawater bedewed their calves and feet and soon they reached the end of the stage. The rocky ground felt smooth and cold under Lavi’s feet. The strong wind brushed grey clouds aside and a single spot of light blue appeared way above. He followed Yuu inside and they soared up circular stairs. Dust danced through the air and Lavi sneezed. The sound echoed through the aged interior and disappeared between floorboards and wooden wall covering. They reached the top and Yuu headed for the console. He sat down cross-legged on the floor and plugged his laptop in. Lavi walked towards one of the big windows and looked out.  
  
Grey sky, grey sea, pale beach. It was beautiful.  
  
He listened to Yuu’s fingers flitting over the keyboard and watched the scenery in front of him.  
  
“What are you doing?”  
  
“One of the sensors doesn’t work,” Yuu answered slowly. “For whatever reason. The connection is fine.”  
  
“How are you gonna fix that?” Seagulls danced through the air and Lavi watched them.  
  
“I don’t. I’ll send an e-mail and they are going to send somebody to fix it. I’m not getting payed for climbing around outside,” he replied and Lavi snorted.  
  
“I never would have guessed that you study informatics.” Lavi turned around to him and Yuu furrowed his brows. “Since when are you into stuff like that?”  
  
He shrugged and looked back on the screen. “I had to do something and I didn’t want to work with other people, so it was an opportunity.”  
  
Lavi nodded and viewed the scenery.  
  
When Yuu was finally done, rain was coming down in sheets. They were soaked in a minimum of time. They darted across the grey sea and weaselled out of a conversation with Yuu’s landlady, who by all means wanted to show Lavi a photo of her -admittedly cute- granddaughter. They ran together over the wet sand and when they were finally home, Lavi was shivering.  
  
They took a shower together and afterwards they crawled under the blanket. Yuu was over him and warmed him up thoroughly and Lavi’s nails left behind faint half-moon-shaped imprints on his back. Afterwards they lay next to each other and Lavi fluttered kisses on Yuu’s collarbones and his neck, whose eyelids grew heavy. After a short nap Yuu shooed him out of bed. They ate next to each other on the couch and Lavi’s hands kept sneaking under Yuu’s shirt, while he dozed off again.

 

“Don’t tell me, you’re working again,” Lavi said and looked up from his book. He lay prone on the bed and heard the sound of fingers dancing over keys. It was already getting dark.  
  
“I’m nearly done,” Yuu answered absent-minded and fell silent. “Eat a snack,” he added after a few minutes.  
  
“What?” Lavi loosened his gaze from the words in front of him and looked up.  
  
“You’re too thin. Eat a snack.” Lavi heard his fingers impatiently drumming on the armrest of his chair.  
  
“I’m not hungry.” Lavi rolled on his back and examined the ceiling. Not a hint of cobwebs.  
  
“I don’t care,” Yuu answered. “You eat far too little.”  
  
“And you sleep too little,” Lavi countered kindly and got up. He stretched and suppressed a yawn. Then he walked into the living room and positioned himself behind Yuu, who stared into the screen. The blueish light gave his skin an unhealthy drabness. He laid his hands on his tanned shoulders and gently started kneading tensed muscles. Yuu stiffened for a moment before he leaned back ever so slightly. “I’ll eat if you come to bed with me.”  
  
“Nearly done,” Yuu repeated und sighed soundless, because Lavi’s thumbs had started to rub little circles between his shoulder blades. He watched Yuu writing a quite unfriendly mail while combing his fingers through the downy hair on the back of his neck. Lavi’s fingers dipped into his shirt, while he powered down the computer and before he knew it, Yuu had turned around quickly and had given him a fireman’s lift. He gave Lavi’s ass a soft smack and he whooped with laughter. Instead of the bedroom he walked towards the kitchen unit und sat him down on top of the counter. Lavi wanted to take a hold of him but he slipped out of reach and opened the fridge.  
  
“Afterwards. Now you eat,” Yuu said decisively and rummaged through groceries. Then he peeked into a cabinet. “Do you eat stuff like this?” He held up instant porridge.  
  
“You like porridge?” Lavi asked and dangled his legs.  
  
“I hate that shit. When I moved in, the old hag tried mothering me and wouldn’t stop bringing me food.” He looked discontentedly at the package and turned it in his hands. “Not expired.”  
  
Lavi snickered. A sound, which nineteen year old Lavi would have found embarrassing, especially in front of Yuu. “She sounds like a sweet lady.” Yuu made a face and reached for the milk.

 

Later that night Lavi lay next to Yuu in the darkness and listened to the sound of the ocean and the rustling of linen. They didn’t touch but Lavi still felt his warmth crawling over the bedsheet. Despite three nights of hardly sleep Yuu kept turning. Lavi hesitated and reached out. His fingers touched Yuu’s chest, right under his collarbone, and the rustling stopped.  
  
“Can’t you sleep?” he asked silently and his fingers softly curled into Yuu’s skin. Yuu moved slightly and a strand of hair slid over his shoulder and Lavi’s hand. He wound it around his fingers and enjoyed the silky feeling.  
  
“I’m used to sleeping alone,” he answered and his breath floated over Lavi’s naked arm. Lavi started to move closer and hid his face in the crook of his neck. Yuu laid an arm around him and Lavi curled into his embrace.  
  
“What can I do?” He whispered against his skin and closed his eye. He never wanted to get up again and spent his life hiding from the world behind Yuu’s warmth and steadiness. He’d missed him _so_ much.  
  
“Nothing.” The word disappeared into Lavi’s hair amidst warm breath.  
  
“Do you need more space?” Lavi asked and hoped very much that the answer was no. Yuu’s fingers slowly stroke over his spine and dipped into his shirt.  
  
“Yes.” Yuu granted Lavi another long moment in the midst of body warmth and cosiness before he laid his hand on his upper arm and squeezed softly. Lavi backed off a little with a soundless sigh. His side of the bed felt cold.  
  
“Sleep tight,” he said and his hand touched Yuu’s cheek.  
  
Yuu hummed calmly, squeezed his hand and turned away from him. In the end he fell asleep before Lavi, who stared through the darkness at the back of Yuu’s head and listened to the hopeful beating of his own heart.


	3. Hideaway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your nice feedback and kudos! I'm delighted. :))
> 
> Trigger warning: mentions of an abusive relationship.

The next morning Yuu was gone as before, but this time he didn’t sit at his desk. Lavi ate the leftover porridge and then went through his bags in search of his favourite shirt. Instead he came across his phone, which he hadn’t touched in days. He found his charging cable and plugged it in the socket next to the kitchen unit. Then he sat on the floor and turned it on.  
  
Several messages and missed calls. His stomach turned and he very much wanted to throw his phone back into the bag, but he didn’t. He rubbed tiredly his face and pressed the palm of his hand on his eye. He wanted to crawl back into bed and hide.  
  
The door opened and he looked up. Yuu wore sports clothing and his cheeks were slightly reddened. He shot him a look and slipped out of his shoes.  
  
“What’s wrong?” he wanted to know and opened the fridge to take a bottle of water.  
  
“Gramps is pissed,” Lavi answered gloomy and went through the indignant messages of his great-great-uncle.  
  
“Why?” Yuu frowned and took of his jacket, followed by his shirt.  
  
Lavi sighed. “He’s angry, because he didn’t get a hold of me for a few days.”  
  
“When is your vacation over?” Yuu undid his hair tie and silky blackness spilled over his naked shoulders.  
  
“Yesterday,” Lavi answered and smiled awkwardly. Yuu hesitated for a short moment, but then he didn’t seem to be surprised or maybe he didn’t care. “I should call him.”  
  
“Yeah.” He slipped out of his pants and walked to the bathroom. “Take the landline. The reception is shitty.” The door closed behind him and Lavi got up and headed for the telephone before he hesitated. His eye wandered across the interior of Yuu’s little house, his hideaway in the last days. Warmth spread out from his chest to his cold hands. He slowly turned around and knocked at the bathroom door.  
  
“What?“ Yuu’s voice resounded through the aged wooden door.  
  
“Can I ask you something?” Lavi’s fingers played uneasily with the seam of his short.  
  
“What? Come in. I don’t understand shit,” Yuu exclaimed and Lavi carefully opened the door. The water rushed and he saw Yuu’s silhouette behind the opaque shower curtain. “What do you want?”  
  
Lavi’s heart raced and his mouth was dry. “Can I stay?” he asked for the third time within a few days and tensely examined the shower curtain.  
  
“Didn’t you already shower?” Yuu asked and Lavi heard the frown in his voice.  
  
“I mean here. With you,” he added and his throat felt a little too tight.  
  
It was silent for a while, before Yuu pushed the curtain aside and eyed him. His face was unreadable and Lavi fidgeted with a belt loop of his pants. “For how long?” he asked calmly and Lavi had a lump in his throat as he answered.  
  
“As long as you want me.” The sound of water nearly drowned his whisper. Yuu’s face didn’t move the slightest. His unfathomable eyes pierced right through Lavi, before they slowly wandered to the wall next to him. And then he closed the curtain without a word. Lavi inhaled sharply and stepped back.  
  
He slowly left the little house and walked for a minute over wet sand, before he sat down and watched the waves while the grey of sky and sea grew hazy. His eye threatened to spill over, but Lavi blinked vehemently. He didn’t want to leave. Absolutely not. He wiped his face with his sleeve and took a deep breath.  
  
It had been too good to be true. Yuu had emerged from the grey sea like a manifestation of five years of longing and mourning after lighter times. A warming flame in dark and cold days. And Lavi’s days had been dark and cold in the last months. He smiled sadly and inhaled deeply.  
  
He heard the scrunching of sand under bare feet and turned around and looked up. Yuu’s hair was soaking wet and left behind dark spots on his damp clothes. He was only wearing a shirt and shorts and looked like he just stepped out of the shower without drying himself off. He examined Lavi for a long moment and reached out to touch his wet cheek.  
  
“I made you cry. I’m sorry,” he said and his fingers felt warm amidst tears and breeze. Lavi reached out and cupped his cheek.  
  
“Do you want me to leave?” he asked and was surprised how calm his voice was. Yuu’s eyes wandered over his face and then to the sea, before he drew back and sat down next to him, a deep frown on his face.  
  
He shook his head and Lavi’s chest felt less tight. Yuu had a distant expression in his eyes. He opened his mouth and closed it immediately. Lavi remained silent and likewise watched the waves, because he felt that looking at Yuu made it even harder for him. He had never been a person, who could easily describe what was going on inside his head. After some time, which felt like an eternity, Yuu started to speak.  
  
“You’re so alike,” he said very calmly and Lavi closed his eye. “You know?”  
  
Alma, still haunting him after all these years. His smile was branded into the folds of Lavi’s brain, together with the sound of Yuu’s sincere laugh. He’d never managed to make him laugh like this. An amused snort maybe, when he was lucky.  
  
He took a deep breath and his fingers dived fidgety through wet sand. “Yeah. The jokes, the laughter, using your first name.” He shot Yuu a short look, which he didn’t return. “That’s the reason why you didn’t even call me once, right?”  
  
Yuu slowly nodded and there was a hint of pain in his eyes. “I had to leave. I felt like suffocating.”  
  
“I know,” Lavi replied softly. “Yuu, does my presence hurt you?”  
  
His dark eyes flitted for an instant towards Lavi and the hard line of his mouth softened. “Yes.”  
  
“Do you want me to leave?” Lavi repeated and now he couldn’t stop his eye from spilling over.  
  
Yuu looked back at the sea and slowly shook his head. “No.” The answer was direct and plain. “It’s just…” he interrupted himself and laid a hand for a short moment over his eyes. “It’s ridiculous,” he said and frowned deeply.  
  
“Just tell me,” Lavi said softly and took a seashell in his hand.  
  
“I’m shit at this,” he answered frustrated and sounded very much like his nineteen year old self. Cutting and merciless, with everybody and especially himself. A fine drop of water freed itself out of his wet hair and rolled down his temple. Lavi reached out and wiped it off. They locked eyes and for a moment the world stood still. Yuu’s barricade opened a tiny crack and there was the same dismay Lavi had seen five years ago. Weaker, but still festering. “You’re _so_ alike.” He casted his eyes down and for long seconds Lavi felt shut out. He faded with sea and breeze into the background while Yuu looked at the sand and right through it. “You’re… overwriting my memories,” he finally said faintly and frowned slightly before he looked up, mute misery in his eyes. “I can’t remember how his laugh sounded,” he said and for a moment he sounded very small between kilometres of beach and tidal-forces.  
  
Lavi took a shaky breath and wiped his face with the back of his hand. “I’m sorry, Yuu,” he whispered agonized and averted his eye.  
  
“Don’t,” Yuu answered firmly and knitted his brows. He took the seashell out of Lavi’s hand and his warm fingers brushed over Lavi’s cold ones. He stroked his thumb over the shell’s bumpy surface and shot Lavi a very short look. “It’s not your fault.”  
  
“Are you sure that you want me to stay?” Lavi examined him teary-eyed and Yuu nodded without returning his look.  
  
“Yes.” He got up and threw the seashell back into the sea. It disappeared silently between waves. He held his hand out and Lavi took it. “I just have to get used to it.” He helped him up and softly squeezed his fingers. “I’ll go back under the shower. Wanna tag along?”  
  
Lavi interlaced their fingers and nodded with a tentative little smile.

 

Later they lay in bed, Lavi on his back, Yuu over him. Yuu’s hair was still wet and felt cool against Lavi’s skin. His mouth wandered over his neck and Lavi kept running his fingers through the dark falls.  
  
“I missed you so much,” he softly said and his shoulders twitched slightly when Yuu gently bit him. “Did you miss me?”  
  
Yuu’s warm breath wafted over his skin and his lips brushed Lavi’s ear. “Yes,” he whispered nearly soundless and a shiver darted over Lavi’s body. He turned his head towards him.  
  
“Yes?” he asked equally silent and their lips touched for a short moment.  
  
“Yes,” repeated Yuu and then decided that they had talked enough. His hand wandered down his front and Lavi exhaled deeply and closed his eye.

 

They spent the morning in bed. Lavi lay prone and enjoyed Yuu’s warm hand on his back. He was half-asleep when Yuu started to speak.  
  
“Lavi?”  
  
He hummed softly and opened his eye. “Yeah?”  
  
“I need more space.” Yuu examined him earnestly and Lavi slightly frowned.  
  
“I’m already next to the edge of bed,” he murmured tiredly and raised his head.  
  
“No, I’m mean in general,” Yuu replied calmly and his hand rubbed little circles over Lavi’s lower back. “I’m not good with people.”  
  
“What do you want me to do?” Lavi asked and turned onto his side to examine him. Yuu didn’t return his look and softly scratched his back. Lavi’s eye fluttered shut. Yuu moved and now both of his hands gently raked down his back and Lavi turned back onto his stomach. Shivers erupted between his shoulder blades and flitted across his whole body. “That feels so nice.”  
  
“Nothing,” Yuu answered and his hands kept moving. “Just don’t be surprised when I go alone for walks and shit. I need my alone time.”  
  
“Okay,” Lavi breathed silently into his pillow and curled his toes when Yuu’s hands wandered down and under the blanket.

 

“Can we get my stuff?” Lavi asked later. They sat next to each other on the fuzzy carpet and ate homemade ramen. Yuu shot him a look and nodded. “I also have to take care of some stuff. I’m still matriculated.”  
  
“Fine with me.”  
  
Lavi put his bowl aside and lay down, his head on Yuu’s thigh. “Gramps has no idea that I’m dropping out.” Yuu didn’t answer, instead he held his chopsticks out and Lavi opened reluctantly his mouth. “Can you please stop feeding me up?”  
  
Yuu’s warm hand pushed his shirt up and pinched him half-heartedly right over his hip bone. “I’ll stop as soon as you stop being so fucking skinny. I kinda expect you to get blown away by the sea-breeze,” he said sternly and pinched him once more, this time harder.  
  
“Ow,” whined Lavi with a breathy laugh and shooed his hand aside. “You’re so mean, Yuu.”  
  
“Of course I’m mean,” he answered sullenly. “I’m an asshole.” Lavi snorted and rolled onto his back. Yuu examined him seriously for a long moment. “I can talk with him.”  
  
Lavi hesitated and frowned slightly, before he sat up. He shook his head and leaned against the couch. “I’ll go visit him, when we get my stuff. He lives close by. I don’t want to do it over the phone.”  
  
Yuu nodded slowly. “Do you want me to come with you?” he asked without any scoff in his voice and Lavi examined him for a while before he nodded. Yuu put his bowl aside and raised his arm a little bit. Lavi accepted the invitation gratefully and hid in the crook of Yuu’s neck from his responsibilities.  
  
They stayed silent for long minutes and Lavi enjoyed his warmth and the feeling of Yuu’s loose hair against his skin. His fingers sneaked under Yuu’s shirt and he started to softly knead the muscles of his lower back.  
  
“Yuu?” he whispered and hid his face in Yuu’s hair. It smelled like soap.  
  
Yuu hummed and turned his head slightly. His hand was on Lavi’s thigh and the tips of his fingers rubbed small circles into the fabric of his pants.  
  
“You tell me, when I defatigate you, right?” He gently nipped his ear and noticed pleased a little shiver wandering over Yuu’s shoulders.  
  
“You defatigate me,” answered Yuu deadpan and Lavi snorted.  
  
“Stop being such an ass.” He laughed and pinched Yuu’s side, who rolled his eyes.  
  
“No.” He examined Lavi for a moment. “Let’s get your shit tomorrow.”  
  
“And talk with gramps?” Lavi asked and leaned heavily into the embrace. “I’m scared how he’s going to react.” Yuu didn’t answer. He stretched out his legs and softly squeezed his thigh. “He’s going to be disappointed,” Lavi said softly and closed his eye.  
  
“He’ll get over it,” Yuu said calmly and reached into his hair. “And if not, then he can go fuck himself.”  
  
“You have a way with words, Yuu.” Lavi smiled against his neck.

 

The next day they got up early after a sleepless night and it took Lavi nearly an hour to find his keys in the darkest recesses of his luggage while Yuu made breakfast and shot him half-heartedly judgemental looks. Later they sat in Lavi’s car and left sea and beach behind.  
  
Soon the landscape started to change. Lavi’s gaze flitted over soft hills and distant woodlands. They didn’t talk much, but this time the silence was less comfortable. Yuu’s face stayed perfectly calm, but Lavi noticed the restless drumming of his fingers on his thigh. He felt likewise - probably even more - uneasy. He missed the soothing sound of the sea and with every kilometre they came closer to the university city he got more and more fidgety. The last days had been a time-out and Yuu’s little house a hideout. His problems had suddenly been far away and he had felt at ease and relaxed like as a teen. Before the catastrophe.  
  
He felt that Yuu was getting more and more annoyed by his antsy fidgeting, but he stayed silent and stared out of the window, a sharp line between his brows. They had nearly reached the city when Lavi pulled over. He jumped out of the car and barely made it to a shrubbery before he involuntary got rid of his scarce breakfast. He gagged and coughed until he had tears in his eye. He heard the passenger door and Yuu’s calm hands flowed over his back and hold back his hair. Lavi leaned heavily against him and accepted handkerchiefs and a plastic cup of water.  
  
“Thank you,” he said hoarsely and grimaced. His throat hurt.  
  
“Come, sit down.” Yuu took his hand and opened the passenger door. “You’re pale.”  
  
Lavi sat down and rubbed his face. “Yuu,” he said and his foot twitched nervously. “Why can’t this day already be over?”  
  
“Because life is a bitch,” he answered levelly and crouched down next to him. “Drink some water.”  
  
Lavi did as he was told and took a sip. Yuu wanted to release his hand, but Lavi didn’t let go and softly pressed his fingers. They locked eyes and Yuu’s thumb drew slow circle on the back of his hand. They waited until Lavi drank up, before they hit the road again. Yuu’s hand lay on his thigh and he felt a little calmer.  
  
They drove towards an exit and Lavi opened his mouth, but Yuu already shook his head.  
  
“No.”  
  
“Are you sure? It’s only barely an hour,” said Lavi and Yuu’s hand disappeared from his leg. “Your father-”  
  
“ _No_ ,” repeated Yuu and this time his voice was cutting. Lavi glanced at the hard line of his mouth and moved uneasy.  
  
“Just a suggestions,” he caved in and they passed by the exit. Yuu‘s posture became less tense and Lavi hesitated before he reached out and took his hand. He laid it back on his thigh and after a long moment Yuu squeezed his leg gently without looking at him. “Sorry.”  
  
“Don’t,” Yuu said more composed and shot him a look. He pressed his leg once more before he took his hand away. “I wasn’t home since I moved out.” He crossed his arms and moved his legs slightly. “And now I want to change topic.”  
  
“Okay,” Lavi answered and they fell silent for a while. He sighed as he saw the sign for their exit. They agreed the night before on visiting his great-great-uncle first, before driving to his apartment and university. “I want to wuss out.”  
  
“Then turn around,” Yuu answered calmly. “Not my decision.”  
  
“We drove the whole morning.” Lavi shot him a nervously glance. His stomach started to hurt again.  
  
“I don’t give a fuck.” Yuu met his eyes and raised his brows. “Wanna go home?”  
  
Home. Lavi inhaled deeply and a shiver flitted across his back. _Home_.  
  
He indicated and smiled at Yuu. “No. I’m gonna tell him. He’s going to get over it. And if not…”  
  
“Then he can fuck himself,” finished Yuu kindly, even though he was frowning.  
  
Lavi’s bravery decreased as soon as they reached the home of his great-great-uncle and disappeared completely when the old man opened the door and stared angrily at him. He started to scold him as soon as he got out of the car.  
  
“Where the hell have you been?”  
  
Lavi flicked on his façade without missing a beat. “Gramps,” he said with a smile and walked seemingly relaxed towards the old man. “Did you miss me?”  
  
“Stop this nonsense,” he said sharply and looked up to him. “Where have you been?”  
  
“He was with me,” answered Yuu and the old man furrowed his brows, looked past Lavi and faltered.  
  
“Kanda?” he said with honest surprise in his voice. Yuu leaned against the side of Lavi’s car and his face was blank. “What are you doing here?”  
  
He didn’t answer and looked at Lavi, who had a feigned grin on his face. “Yeah, I was with him.”  
  
The eyes of the old man wandered from Yuu towards Lavi and rested pinpoint on the faded lovebite on his neck. His observation skills had always been impressive, even though they had faltered in the last year. He locked eyes with Lavi. “Seriously?”  
  
“Yep.” Lavi laughed. “I met him. He lives at the shore.” He laid a hand over the hickey on his neck and darted Yuu a look, who examined him with a frown. Probably because of his fake ease. His hands were cold and his stomach still hurt. He wet his lips and his smile flickered. “I’m gonna live with him.”  
  
The old man stared at him. “You didn’t see each other for five years,” he said without mercy and scrutinized him. “How are you not estranged after this whole time?”  
  
“That’s none of your business,” Yuu said and his voice was very even.  
  
“What’s with your study?” The old man crossed his arms and frowned.  
  
Lavi’s façade wavered for a moment, but his smile didn’t fade. Then he dropped the bombshell. “I’m dropping out. I stopped going to university weeks ago.”  
  
It was silent for a long moment, before the old man took a very deep breath. Of course he got a major bollocking. He endured it silently and felt Yuu’s gaze in his back the whole time. His great-great-uncle addressed several reproaches, quite a lot justified. For example the fact that he had financially supported Lavi the last years.  
  
After endless minutes he seemed to be done with wreaking his anger and scrutinized Lavi. “What the hell is going on with you? You changed since your car accident. Is it because of the eye?”  
  
His car accident. Yuu stood suddenly right next to him and his eyes were keen. Lavi cast down his eye. His thoughts wandered to Alma. He had seen the wreckage a few days later in the newspaper. They locked eyes and once more he didn’t know what was going on in Yuu’s head. His face was unreadable and Lavi mouthed “Sorry”. Yuu didn’t react and looked at the old man, who examined both of them.  
  
“What is going on?” he repeated. “Talk to me, Lavi.”  
  
Lavi’s eye stayed on Yuu and he felt his façade slowly crumbling. “I’m going to live with him,” he said again, this time without a smile. “I’m reorientating.” He looked at the old man. “Medicine wasn’t the right thing. I’ll find something that suits me better. I’m sorry that I didn’t notice earlier.”  
  
His great-great-uncle examined him and frowned slightly. “Why the sudden change of mind?”  
  
“It’s not the right thing,” Lavi repeated and stepped back. “I changed my mind.” He turned towards the car and took Yuu’s hand. “Let’s go.”  
  
“Lavi.” The voice was sharp enough to let him stop. “I’m not watching you throwing everything away. Why don’t you take a semester off to recover?”  
  
“Because he ruined it.” His façade shattered into a thousand shard-like pieces and he tried to keep his composure. The name of his ex-boyfriend followed and just saying it made his skin crawl. “He ruined it. I don’t want to be a doctor anymore. I don’t want to work in a hospital. I can’t take it. He ruined everything.” He walked towards his car and leaned against it, before exhaustedly rubbing his face. He pulled the eyepatch off and laid a hand over his destroyed eye. “I tried so hard, but I can’t take it.”  
  
“What are you talking about?” The old man looked at him and then at Yuu, who didn’t react, because he was examining Lavi. His eyes softened a little and suddenly all he wanted to do was to cry, because it was so outrageously unfair.  
  
“I didn’t have a car accident,” he whispered and then the words gushed out. He told him everything, while standing next to his car between empty flower beds and overgrown lawn. He told him about shards and blood, about angry hands in his face and hair, about thrown glasses, about vicious words. He told him about months in fear and under pressure.  
  
The old man aged with every of his words and his face turned paler and paler.  
  
Yuu stayed composed, the whole time. He met Lavi’s eyes every time he looked at him and his heart felt a little less heavy.  
  
Finally he fell silent and nobody talked for long minutes. The old man sat down on the steps in front of his door. Yuu leaned against a wall and his eyes wandered over the unkempt garden. Lavi crouched down next to his car and watched a ladybug, which climbed over a daisy. The old man had moved two years ago and the garden of his old house, their family home, had been way smaller. Lavi would have loved this garden as a child. He took the ladybug on his hand and examined the little dots and antennae. He had to think about his mother. She had sometimes worn a red skirt with black dots. The garment was in a cardboard box in the attic, together with the rest of her belongings. As a child Lavi had sometimes been envious of Yuu, who had no memories of his mother, because she had died shortly after his birth. His own memories had started to fade after nearly fifteen years, but they had never stopped hurting.  
  
“I liked him,” the old man said after a while and examined Lavi with a frown. “I really liked him.”  
  
“Everybody likes him,” he answered. The ladybug spread out his wings and flew away. He looked after it until he lost the sight of the tiny insect between blades of grass and wild flowers. “He’s very charming. The first six months of the relationship were really not bad. There were red flags, but I guess I didn’t want to see them.” He smiled vacuously and darted him a look. “He’s going to be a paediatrician.” A joyless laugh escaped his lips. “Everybody likes him.”  
  
“How are you so calm about this?” The old man looked up to Yuu, who still leaned against the wall and watched a robin, which sat in an old apple tree and chirped a short melody. “You were the angriest child I know.” Yuu cast down his eyes and blinked.  
  
“Being angry all the time is exhausting,” he answered shortly. He raised his eyes and looked at Lavi. “But that doesn’t mean that I’d not beat the shit out of the guy.”  
  
Lavi shook his head and took a blade of grass between his fingers. “I’m slowly coming to terms with it. The eye is gone and I’m all banged up, but it’s going to go uphill. I’m going to move into a beautiful little house at the beach.” He looked at Yuu and smiled faintly. “And I’m going to reorientate.” He got up and walked to his great-great-uncle. “I’m sorry that you didn’t get a hold of me.”  
  
The old man shook his head and stood up. “It’s fine, just send me one of those text messages next time. I thought you had an accident or something like that.”  
  
Lavi smiled and bent down to hug him. “Sorry, gramps.”  
  
The old man patted his back and then examined his face with a frown. “You look tired.”  
  
“I didn’t sleep much,” replied Lavi and shoved his hands in his pockets. “I could do with a short nap.” He shot Yuu a questioning look.  
  
“I don’t mind.”  
  
“Then come inside. Do you want something to eat?” The old man led the way and both of them followed him inside.  
  
A short time later Lavi lay on the bed in the guest room and tiredly examined the patterned wall paper. Yuu and the old man probably drank tea in discontented silence. They had never liked each other. Yuu had always been to insolent and rude for the old man’s taste, while Yuu had disliked him on principle. He had never been good with authority figures. Lavi’s thoughts wandered to their school days. Yuu had always scandalized and Lavi had loved his rough edges. Time had smoothed them out, but they were still there, a little less sharp and cutting than in the past. His eyelids grew heavy and he fell asleep.  
  
He woke up barely an hour later and stretched slowly. He was still tired, but less exhausted than before. He got up and went to the bathroom, before he slowly walked through the short corridor. His hand was already on the door handle when he faltered.  
  
“That’s none of your business.” Yuu’s voice was tense.  
  
Lavi frowned and lowered his hand.  
  
“You didn’t see each other for five years. And now he’s already moving in. Please.” The voice of the old man was pungent.  
  
“None of your business,” Yuu repeated. “He’s an adult.”  
  
“You know that he enrolled a year later, because he missed the deadline? All he did was lying in his bed and crying for weeks, because you left precipitately without even saying goodbye.”  
  
“You’re in no position for rebuking.” Yuu’s voice was dangerously silent. “You didn’t notice what was going on for months.”  
  
Lavi pushed the door open before the situation could escalate. Both of them looked up, the old man with anger in his face and Yuu with a sharp line between his brows.  
  
“We’re leaving” he said cautiously and walked towards them. “Gramps, I’m going to visit you soon, okay?”  
  
“You’re welcome at any time,” he replied and his eyes wandered to Yuu. “Especially if he decides to disappear again.”  
  
“Goodbye, old man,” Yuu said coldly and got up. He walked past Lavi without looking at him and left the house.  
  
“It’s stressful for him to be here,” Lavi said. “And it’s going to work out. I’m sure.” He hugged the old man. “I’m going to call you on a regular basis.”  
  
He laid a wrinkly hand on Lavi’s cheek and scrutinized him. “Look after yourself, yes?”  
  
Lavi nodded and hugged him a second time, before he stepped back. “Bye, gramps.” He smiled at him and left.  
  
Yuu already sat in the car and avoided his eye, when he opened the door and sat down on the driver’s seat. “He’s shaken. Please don’t be angry with him,” he said softly and Yuu stayed silent. Lavi hesitated and examined him. “Can I get a kiss, please?” Yuu looked at him and frowned. “I brushed my teeth,” he added and Yuu rolled his eyes. Lavi snorted.  
  
“You better,” he said and laid his hand on the back of Lavi’s head. The kiss was short, but soft. “And now let’s go. I can’t wait to get home.”  
Lavi started the engine and waved with a smile when he saw the old man standing in the open door. He waved back, not without cutting Yuu a look, which he withstood easily. Lavi reversed and soon they were back on the road.  
  
The rest of the drive was uneventful and only half an hour later they reached Lavi’s apartment building. They left the car and walked to the old plattenbau.  
  
“How much stuff do you have?” Yuu asked and shot him a look.  
  
Lavi fumbled for his keys. “Not much. Clothes and books, mostly. The furniture belongs to my landlady.” He opened the door and walked to the wall of letterboxes. “The most residents are exchange students.” He opened his letterbox and exhaled in relief when he only found advertisement. He led the way and they took the stairs in silence. When they reached the fifth floor Lavi was out of breath, while Yuu wasn’t exhausted in the slightest.  
  
“Why are you so fit? You sit nearly all day in front of your computer,” Lavi asked panting.  
  
Yuu frowned. “I train normally at least two hours a day,” he answered and took the keys out of Lavi’s hand. He darted a glance at the small engraving on the apartment key and led the way down the corridor. “I neglected it the last few days.” He unlocked the door of Lavi’s apartment and looked at him over his shoulder. The corners of Lavi’s mouth twitched slightly.  
  
“You had another kind of workout, right?”  
  
Yuu rolled his eyes and stepped aside. “Go ahead.”  
  
Lavi’s smile disappeared. “It looks bad. Like, really bad. I… I was very often very tired in the last weeks.”  
  
“It’s fine.”  
  
Lavi led the way and Yuu followed him aside. He felt his face reddening. His apartment looked horrible. Dirty dishes were piled up on the kitchen counter, the most surfaces were dusty and clothes lay everywhere. He examined Yuu, who didn’t seem to care or at least he didn’t show it. Lavi walked to the window and nearly stumbled over a fallen over stack of books. He opened it and the sound of birds and traffic spilled into his one-room flat.  
  
Yuu examined the room for a long moment before he rolled up his sleeves and walked to the kitchen unit. He started to fill the sink with water and reached for a sponge and dish soap.  
  
“You don’t have to do that,” Lavi said embarrassedly.  
  
“Why don’t you sort your stuff and start to pack?” Yuu shot him a calm look and started to do the dishes.  
  
“Thank you,” Lavi said softly and Yuu just shook his head.  
  
They worked in silence and Lavi started to stack books and throw clothes into a garbage back, because they hadn’t any boxes, while listening to chinking and clattering. After a while Lavi looked at his watch and cursed.  
  
“The registrar’s office closes in an hour.”  
  
“Then get going. I’ll take care of your stuff,” Yuu said with a frown and Lavi hesitated. “Are you afraid that I find weird shit or what?” he asked impatiently.  
  
Lavi shook his head. “I’m embarrassed, because it’s so bad and you’re doing all the work.”  
  
Now Yuu shook his head. “Don’t be. You’re trying to get your shit together. It’s fine,” he answered and scrubbed a crusted pan. “Go.”  
  
“I have to arrange quite a lot. I won’t be back until evening, probably.” Lavi stepped closer and leaned against Yuu’s back. “Okay?”  
  
“Leave your keys here.” Yuu turned towards him and Lavi tilted his head and kissed him. Yuu drew back after a few seconds and turned his attention back to the dirty dishes. “Get going.”  
  
Lavi nodded and was nearly at the door, before he stopped. “There’s a box under my bed. Please don’t look into it, okay?”  
  
Yuu darted him a short look. “Can I pull it out from under the bed, tape it shut and put it in the car?”  
  
“Let me do that tonight.” Yuu nodded and Lavi kissed the tanned skin between his shoulder blades, before he left.

 

The sky already started to darken when he was finally back. Yuu opened the door and the first thing he noticed was the smell of stir-fry. The second thing was the condition of his apartment: spotless.  
  
“Wow,” he said amazedly. The apartment was perfectly clean and tidied up. The shelves were empty and even the window was clean as a whistle. “My apartment was never this clean.”  
  
“Of course not, you’re a pig,” Yuu answered impassively and stirred their food. “Is everything done?”  
  
“Yep.” Lavi slipped out of his shoes. “I’m exmatriculated and the rest is also done. I also called my landlady on my way. I have to pay the rent for two more months, because I didn't adhere to the term of notice, but that’s okay.” He leaned his bag against the door and washed his hands. The sink was so clean that it reflected the red of his hair. “Wow,” he said again.  
  
Yuu shooed him to the stripped bed and pressed a plate with food into his hands. Then he sat down next to him and they started to eat. It took Lavi a few minutes to notice that his laptop was powered on.  
  
“What are you doing with my laptop?”  
  
“Back-up,” Yuu answered and took a bite. “I wanted to kill some time and noticed how fucking slow this thing is and I have always a USB-stick with me. I’ll get you a new laptop.”  
  
“Did you... look at anything?” Lavi asked slowly and examined him with a weak smile.  
  
“Yes, because I’m a stranger to the concept of privacy,” Yuu deadpanned at him. “I downloaded a decent anti-virus-program and played solitaire.”  
  
“Sorry.” Lavi laughed a little awkwardly and started to eat again.  
  
“Do you really think I would look through your shit?” Now he was the one, who was scrutinized. He shook his head.  
  
“Sorry,” he repeated. “It’s just… I have some stuff on my laptop.”  
  
Yuu stared at him with a frown. “Are you trying to tell me that I have now some weird kinky shit on my USB-stick?”  
  
Lavi nearly choked on a piece of bell pepper and Yuu had to slap him on the back. “No! Okay, maybe a little, but nothing too perverted.”  
  
Yuu looked at him long-suffering and kept eating. Lavi needed a few more seconds of snickering before he could do the same. He inhaled and his smile faded away.  
  
“I… I write, you know. Or, I used to write.” He examined his plate. “Until things started to go south.”  
  
Yuu stayed silent and Lavi looked up and smiled a little embarrassedly at him. There was no taunt in his face.  
  
“I still have all my stuff on my laptop, though I cringe at ninety percent or so,” he explained nearly fondly.  
  
“I’ll get you a new laptop,” Yuu answered and Lavi smiled at him.

 

It was already dark when they set off for home. Yuu had somehow managed to place nearly all of his belongings into the car and the rest – old tableware, faded towels, detergent, for instance - was left behind next to the letterboxes, as it was common practice in the dorm. This way Lavi had obtained a part of his own household goods shortly after moving in. The box from under his bed stood in the leg room between Yuu’s feet.  
  
They drove through the night and with every kilometre between them and the city Lavi could breathe a little easier. The idea of reorientating was still terrifying, but at least not anymore as smothering as before. They passed the exit towards Yuu’s parental home and this time Lavi stayed silent. After a while he started to talk about trivialities, because he felt weary to the bone and it kept him awake. Yuu didn’t say much, but Lavi noticed that his shoulders were less tense than before and as soon as the smell of salt wafted through the open car window he looked nearly serene.  
  
“Thank you for coming along,” Lavi said when they were finally home. They got out of the car and he stretched his back, before reaching for his bag and taking the box out of the leg room of the passenger seat.  
  
Yuu just nodded and took the box and car keys out of Lavi’s hand. “Let’s get inside. I’ll take care of your stuff later.”  
  
Lavi frowned. “You already heaved everything alone in the car and cleaned my mess.”  
  
Yuu locked the car and laid a hand on the small of Lavi’s back and softly pushed him. “You look dead tired. Come.”  
  
“Let’s do it together tomorrow,” Lavi insisted and started to move. “Yuu.”  
  
He didn’t answer, but he also didn’t fend him off, when Lavi laid an arm around his waist and together they walked through the darkness towards Yuu’s house, which stood peaceful in the moonlight, surrounded by little spots of pale redness. Silky poppy petals brushed over the back of Lavi’s hand and he followed Yuu inside. He slipped out of his shoes and jacket and walked towards the bedroom, where he placed his bag in a corner.  
  
“Are you coming?” He darted a look over his shoulder. Yuu put the box down, loosened his hair tie and combed with his fingers through black lacquer.  
  
“I’ll take a shower,” he answered. “Go to sleep.”  
  
“And then you come to bed with me?” Lavi asked and crawled under the blanket. He could barely keep his eye open. He took his eyepatch off and laid it on the nightstand. Yuu nodded and disappeared with a last short glance in the bathroom.  
  
Lavi listened to the rushing of the ocean, closed his eye and was sound asleep before Yuu lay down next to him.


	4. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kudos and the nice feedback! You made me so happy :))))
> 
> by the way: I thought about the length of the story. Right know I think it's going to be circa 7 chapters, give or take 1.
> 
> Trigger warning: mentions of injuries.
> 
> Please enjoy!

The next morning Yuu didn’t lie next to him. The window was open and the sound of the sea wafted into the small room and enfolded Lavi. He turned onto his belly with a soft sigh and hid his face in Yuu’s pillow. He inhaled the scent of soap and started to doze off again, when he heard the sound of steps. He raised his head and Yuu bent over him.  
  
“Morning,” he murmured drowsy and propped up on his elbows. Yuu’s loose hair brushed over his cheeks and shoulders and he felt slight stubble against his chin as they kiss. “How late is it?”  
  
“Almost noon,” answered Yuu calmly and stepped back. He looked out of the window and a breeze slightly moved his hair. “Omelette?”  
  
“Sounds nice,” replied Lavi, yawned and got up. He walked to the living room and faltered. “Yuu,” he said a little exasperated. His belongings were neatly stacked next to his baggage. “I wanted to help.”  
  
Yuu walked past him and his fingers brushed the back of Lavi’s hand. “I couldn’t sleep, so I brought everything inside.”  
  
Lavi examined him and noticed the circles under his eyes. He softly frowned. “Aren’t you well?”  
  
Yuu darted him a short and secretive look, before he walked towards the kitchen unit. “Everything is fine,” he answered. “Take a shower and get dressed.” He turned away and Lavi’s frown deepened.  
  
“Okay,” he replied slowly and left the living room.  
  
Later they sat next to each other on the couch and Lavi ate while Yuu leaned back and examined the clutter of his belongings. He looked tired. The ocean rushed faintly and grey morning light spilled through the windows. After a while Yuu’s fingers started to caress Lavi’s neck. He set his nearly empty plate down on the floor and nestled up to Yuu, who laid an arm around his shoulders. Lavi put his legs over his lap and hid his face in the crook of Yuu’s neck. He sighed softly and closed his eye.  
  
“Do you have to work today?” he murmured against his skin and Yuu shook his head. He smelled like green tea.  
  
“I’m done with my workload for this week,” he answered and Lavi’s finger traced over his throat and felt the vibration of his voice.  
  
“That’s nice.” Lavi moved a little closer. “What are we gonna do all day?”  
  
Yuu dipped his fingers into his shirt and stroke over his spine. “I called my landlady. She has a bookshelf she doesn’t need anymore. For your books. And I’m going to make room for your stuff in the wardrobe.”  
  
Lavi raised his head. “Yeah?” he asked and started to smile when Yuu nodded. “Thank you.”  
  
He just shook his head softly and Lavi reached out to touch the dark stubble on his face. He liked it very much. It felt a little bristly under his fingertips and lips. He traced the line of Yuu’s jaw, who tilted his head back and let him do as he pleased. His warm fingers crept once more under Lavi’s shirt and he started to knead his lower back. He sighed and reached into his hair, which was still loose and very soft under his cool fingers.  
  
They kept exchanging innocent endearments until the phone rang. Yuu frowned and moved him carefully to get up.  
  
“Yes?” he asked sternly, listened for a moment and then grimaced. “Yeah, I’m coming over.” He hung up and rolled his eyes. “The old hag needs help with her e-mail-account. I’ll bring the bookshelf along on my way back.”  
  
“Can I help her?” Lavi got up and nudged him playfully with his shoulder.  
  
“I guess so, but why?” Yuu examined him and Lavi wrapped his arms around his neck. Yuu’s hair slid over his naked arms and his hands wandered to Lavi’s hips and squeezed gently.  
  
“Because you’re annoyed and I’m the grannie whisperer. Old women love me.” He grinned and Yuu snorted and rolled his eyes with a pinch of scoff. “Or do you want to deal with her?”  
  
That seemed to convince Yuu, he nodded. “Okay, if you insist. I’ll come along and take care of the bookshelf.”  
  
“Sounds like a plan.” Lavi kissed him on the cheek and stepped back. He reached for his hand and together they left the small house.  
  
“Oh dear!” they were greeted a few minutes later. The old lady beamed at Lavi and patted his arm. “Dashing young man, it’s you again.”  
  
“It’s nice to see you again, ma’am,” he said with a smile and she darted Yuu a scrutinizing look.  
  
“So he’s really your friend. Hard to believe.” Yuu deadpanned at her. “How does a curmudgeon like you have such a nice friend?”  
  
Lavi tried very hard not to laugh while they followed her inside. Her house was not as neat and spartanly furnished like Yuu’s. Lavi nearly tripped over the edge of the carpet and would have stumbled against a tiny side table with an ugly vase, but Yuu’s warm hands closed around his upper arms and prevented him from falling.  
  
“Thank you,” he said and Yuu nodded. He softly squeezed his arms before he drew back.  
  
“Lavi’s gonna help you with your computer. I’m gonna take care of the bookshelf,” he said and the old lady narrowed her eyes.  
  
“Are you one of those computer specialists like Kanda?” she asked and scrutinized him. “I don’t want you to be overwhelmed.”  
  
“You’re trying to attach a photo to an e-mail,” Yuu said impatiently. “He can to that. Where’s the shelf?”  
  
“In the shed behind the house,” the old lady explained and examined Yuu. “Be careful. The ceiling is low. And don’t hit your head against the rake next to the door. We both know that your pretty face is your only chance to find a wife.” Yuu darted her a murderous look and Lavi needed all his might not to laugh.  
  
The old lady took his arm to guide him and obviously decided to give him her best attention. “Follow me, young man.” Yuu looked long-suffering at him and left the little house.  
  
Soon he and the old lady sat next to each other in front of her ancient computer and Lavi explained her four times how to attach something to an e-mail and even wrote it down, though she waved her hand.  
  
“Can you read that?” he asked and handed her the piece of paper. She didn’t look at it, instead she scrutinized him.  
  
“Young man,” she said and narrowed her eyes once more. “You’re Kanda’s friend?”  
  
“Yes, ma’am,” he answered with a smile.  
  
“What brought you here?” Blustering resonated and they heard Yuu cursing. The landlady pretermitted it.  
  
“I’m visiting him,” Lavi answered and hid behind his best poker face. A vacuous smile.  
  
“And what do you do for a living?” She was clearly sounding him out. Before he had a chance to answer Yuu suddenly stood behind him.  
  
“He’s my intern.” His voice was cutting. “Thank you for the bookshelf. We’re leaving.”  
  
Lavi got up and shook her hand. “I hope I could help you, ma’am.”  
  
“An intern?” she asked and Yuu’s hand was on his back and softly pushed him towards the door. “What does your girlfriend think about this?”  
  
Yuu opened the door and shooed him out. “Bye.” Then he closed the door a little too loudly and picked the ramshackle shelf up. He laid it over his shoulder and started to walk. Lavi followed him.  
  
“She’s quite nosy, isn’t she?”  
  
“She’s a gossip,” he answered and shot an angry look over his free shoulder. “She’s pestering me since I moved here. Nosy hag.”  
  
Lavi snorted and shoved his hands into his pockets. 

  


Later they went out for a swim. The water was a little less freezing than a few days before, but that didn’t stop Lavi from shivering. He wrapped his arms around Yuu’s neck, who kept both of them at the surface easily. His warm hands were on his hips and Lavi drew closer. Inky strands clung to his face and he absorbed Yuu’s warmth.  
  
“How long will it take for me to get used to the cold water?” he asked and his teeth chattered. Yuu’s hands wandered over his back and pulled him closer.  
  
“I don’t know, a few weeks maybe,” he said and a small wave hit them. Lavi grimaced and shut his burning eye. “I think that’s enough for today.” Yuu accompanied him until he was on firm ground and then dove back into the grey water.  
  
Lavi wiped saltwater out of his eye and towelled himself off. He slipped back into his clothes, which were other than Yuu’s not too wide, and sat down. He watched him for a while until something caught his eye. He stood up with a frown and walked over wet sand, before he crouched down. A tiny piece of amber. Lavi smiled and held it up. It gleamed in a beautiful orange.  
  
“What are you doing?” Yuu bent over him and cold drops rained down on Lavi. He held the gemstone out to him and smiled. Yuu examined it and frowned. “You like stuff like that?” he asked and Lavi raised his brows.  
  
“Who doesn’t? It’s pretty,” he answered and darted him a questioning look, when Yuu stepped back. He flicked the towel over his shoulder and walked towards his house.  
  
“Come,” he said and Lavi stood up and followed him inside.  
  
Yuu wrapped the towel around his soaking wet hair and opened the bottom drawer of his desk. He rummaged around for a minute until he made a find. He took Lavi’s wrist and laid something in his hand. His brows shot up. Several pieces of amber in different shades of orange and yellow. Some were tiny, one was as big as the tip of his finger.  
  
“For you,” Yuu said calmly and combed with his fingers through his messy wet hair.  
  
“What?” he asked surprised.  
  
“I found them in the last years and they gather dust. Keep them,” he answered and they locked eyes.  
  
“Are you sure?” Lavi asked and Yuu just nodded. “Thank you so much.” Lavi beamed at him and Yuu casted his eyes down and shrugged.  
  
“It’s not a big deal,” he replied a little self-consciously and Lavi’s smile grew even bigger. Yuu darted him a look and then fled to get fresh clothes. Lavi chuckled and gazed after him. 

  


“Yuu?” Lavi asked and Yuu, who was sitting next to him on the floor, looked up from the book in his hands. They were surrounded by stacks of books, sorted by genres.  
  
“Yes?” He put the book in the bottom shelf and looked at Lavi.  
  
“I thought about working as a waiter in the restaurant in the town,” he said. “To earn some money.”  
  
Yuu frowned and took the next book in his hand to read the blurb. “You don’t have to. I earn more than enough and we hardly have to pay rent,” he answered calmly and turned the book in his hands.  
  
“And what shall I do all day?” Lavi asked and examined him.  
  
“Get better,” he replied and his eyes softened. “And reorientate. You could do an internship or something.”  
  
“While you pay for everything?” Now Lavi was frowning and Yuu nodded without hesitation.  
  
“Why not?” He picked up a stack of books and started to put them in the shelf. “I only spend money for food and shit and that’s it. I can easily finance both of us, even if you want to start studying again. You can work, if you want to, but you don’t have to.”  
  
“I feel like a freeloader,” Lavi answered and didn’t look at him. “First I leeched off gramps and now off you. I’m twenty four and I don’t have a degree or anything.” He wrapped his arms around his legs and laid his forehead against his knees. “And I have no idea what to do now.”  
  
It was silent for a while until he heard Yuu moving. “You’re trying to get your shit together,” he said and Lavi heard a frown in his voice. “Yeah, you’re twenty four and that means you have statistically still fifty fucking years until you kick the bucket. You’re gonna find something that you enjoy.” Lavi looked up. Yuu’s frown was impressive. “And now take your fucking time to heal and stop worrying about money and shit.”  
  
Lavi examined him for a moment and suddenly his throat was a little too tight. He embraced him and Yuu laid the books aside. The kiss was soft and Lavi gave his best to keep his lips from trembling. “Thank you.” Lavi drew a little back and his fingers danced over Yuu’s cheeks. “Thank you,” he whispered. Yuu shook his head.  
  
“Don’t. That goes without saying,” he answered firmly and now Lavi shook his head.  
  
“No, it doesn’t,” he insisted and examined his hands. Yuu looked at him for a moment and got up.  
  
“Yes, it does,” he persisted and held his hand out and as soon as Lavi took it, he hauled him up. Lavi wrapped his legs around his hips and snorted.  
  
“It does not.” His fingers crawled under Yuu’s shirt, who walked towards the bedroom.  
  
“It does.” Yuu raised the blanket with one hand, while the other squeezed Lavi’s thigh.  
  
“It doesn’t.” The mattress was under his back and Yuu, obviously tired of their little game, threw the blanket over both of them. 

  


It was already late and they were still clearing up Lavi’s belongings. The shelf was too small for his conglomeration of novels, factual books, poetry, textbooks and specialized literature. The books about medicine disappeared under the bed, because Lavi felt uneasy looking at them.  
  
He also had too much clothes, nearly twice as much as Yuu. They somehow managed to fit everything inside until dresser and wardrobe were bulging at the seams.  
  
“Why do you have so much shit?” Yuu asked with a frown and Lavi grinned.  
  
“Because I’m a dashing young man.”  
  
Yuu groaned and Lavi laughed.  
  
Soon they took a shower together and went to bed. Lavi’s finger played with Yuu’s hair until he fell asleep. 

  


Lavi woke up only a few hours later, because rain was pounding against the window. He needed a few seconds to orientate in the darkness, before he turned over onto his other side and reached out, only to find the bed empty next to him. The linen was cold.  
  
He blinked and sat up. Dim light spilled through the door to the living room and he got up. The sound of his bare feet was drowned out by the rain. He stopped at the door and darted a look into the living room.  
  
Yuu sat in the semi-darkness on the couch and looked at the photo in his hands. Lavi didn’t have to turn his head to know that the photo of his mother was still hanging on the wall, while the one of Alma was missing. Yuu didn’t notice him and Lavi’s eye darted over his sloping shoulders and the tiredness in his face and suddenly he had the feeling to invade something private. Something he wasn’t supposed to see. He wanted to step back and disappear in the darkness of the bedroom, but a floorboard creaked under his feet and Yuu looked up. He narrowed his eyes and his face was cagey. He laid the photo down next to him and crossed his arms.  
  
“Sorry,” Lavi said softly. “I woke up and you didn’t lie next to me. I didn’t want to bother you. I’ll go back to bed, okay?”  
  
Yuu examined him for a moment and then he slowly shook his head. “It’s fine,” he said and nothing was fine. Lavi saw it in his eyes and after a moment of hesitation he stepped closer.  
  
“Can’t you sleep?” he asked and Yuu looked up to him.  
  
“I don’t sleep much,” he answered vaguely. He picked up the photo agitatedly and examined it. Alma’s smile was too bright, too beautiful.  
  
Lavi tentatively reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear and the hard line of Yuu’s mouth softened a little. “Insomnia?” Lavi asked.  
  
“Nightmares,” Yuu answered and his eyes wandered to the window. Lashing rain and a single lightning, far away. The following thunder was dulled by the sound of rain. Yuu opened his mouth and hesitated.  
  
“You don’t have to tell me,” Lavi said softly and sat down next to him. They locked eyes and Yuu looked so tired.  
  
He frowned. “I…” He rubbed his face and sighed. “I hung up the photo some time ago, even though I can’t bear seeing him. But sometimes…” He fell silent and watched the rain once more. Lavi didn’t say anything and followed suit. Another lighting, over the ocean. “I had to identify him, because his grandfather couldn’t do it.” He looked at the photo in his hands. “He was barely recognisable, aside from his hair.” He inhaled deeply and his eyes roamed through the room. “Five fucking years and I still have nightmares about it.”  
  
Lavi felt suddenly very cold and had to clench his hands to keep them from shaking. He nodded slowly. “I’m so sorry, Yuu,” he whispered and wanted to take his hand, but he didn’t because of the restlessness in Yuu’s eyes.  
  
“Me too,” he answered after long seconds and didn’t look at Lavi. He got up, the photo still in his hands. “Let’s go back to sleep.”  
  
Lavi nodded and followed him into the bedroom.  
  
They lay awake next to each other in the darkness and the only sound was the raging rain.

  


“Can we talk about something?” Lavi asked and Yuu looked up from his omelette. The night was short and both of them weren’t well rested.  
  
“Yeah?” The circles under his eyes were even darker than the day before and Lavi reached out to softly trace them with the tips of his fingers. Yuu examined him.  
  
“It’s… it’s about Alma and what you said a few days ago about his laugh,” Lavi said carefully and Yuu narrowed his eyes. He looked as unapproachable as the day he stepped out of the ocean and rocked Lavi’s world. It had been only a week, but it felt like so much more. “Okay?”  
  
Yuu’s eyes jumped over his face and towards the door. He frowned and slowly nodded. “What is it?”  
  
Lavi inhaled deeply and got up. He walked towards the bedroom and got his bag, which was still lying in a corner. Yuu watched him cautiously as he sat back down.  
  
“I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said and hence I got you something. You don’t have to accept it,” he explained and examined the hard line of Yuu’s mouth. He stayed silent. “I visited Alma’s grandfather, while you took care of my apartment. He moved two years ago and now lives in a retirement home, not far from the university.”  
  
Yuu looked at him in surprise. “Zuu Mei is still alive?”  
  
Lavi nodded. “Yes, but he’s quite sick. We talked a long time and he asked about you. I didn’t tell him much, because I didn’t want to do that over your head. But I told him that you’re still grieving and he gave me something.” Lavi reached into his bag and pulled out a CD. He held it out to Yuu, who didn’t take it.  
  
“What is that?” he asked warily and frowned.  
  
“Videos,” Lavi answered and laid the CD on the table. “He has hundreds of them. Apparently Alma liked to film.”  
  
Yuu stared at the CD and his face was very calm, but his eyes were as restless as the night before. “He had a cheap camera. He liked to record…” His voice died down and his eyes looked right through Lavi and it was silent aside from the sound of the sea. “He liked to record nature and animals.” He casted his eyes down and for a moment there was hurt in his eyes. “And me. I fucking hated it.”  
  
He was deep in thought and Lavi hardly beared seeing him like this. He cleared his throat and started to speak. “Zuu Mei watches them often. Especially the ones of him goofing around with you. He laughs a lot in those videos.”  
  
Yuu didn’t meet his eye. “Did you look at them?”  
  
Lavi shook his head. “Zuu Mei wanted to show me a few, but… it didn’t feel right. These are your memories, not mine.” He examined Yuu, who now looked at him. “We can put it away, if you want.”  
  
Yuu softly frowned and got up. “I’ll go for a walk,” he said and his voice was strained. He left the house and Lavi sighed silently. 

  


He spent the morning with reading and it was already noon when Yuu finally came home. He stopped for a moment by the door and looked at Lavi, who carefully smiled at him. Then he sat down next to him and took the book out of his hands to read the blurb. They didn’t talk about the CD, which still lay on his desk. 

  


“Where do you want to have your box?” Yuu asked and Lavi looked up. He lay on the bed and was reading. Yuu held the box up and raised his brows. It was still taped shut.  
  
“I put it under the bed,” Lavi said and sat up.  
  
“Too many books. It doesn’t fit without protruding. You’re gonna trip.” He put the box on the bed and Lavi raised an eyebrow.  
  
“And you’re not gonna trip?” he asked with a smile and Yuu deadpanned at him.  
  
“I’m light-footed like a fucking gazelle. You’re clumsy as fuck,” he said without mercy and Lavi started to laugh. He was relieved that Yuu wasn’t angry at him for visiting Zuu Mei without talking beforehand. He had noticed that his eyes kept wandering to the CD, but if he wanted to act like nothing happened, Lavi would willingly play along.  
  
“How dare you,” he answered and threw a pillow at him. “I’m dainty like a butterfly.”  
  
Yuu threw the pillow back without aiming at him. It landed right next to Lavi. “You can’t even swim in the ocean without nearly drowning every few minutes. Dainty, my ass.”  
  
“You have a lead of five years, that’s not fair.” He snorted and Yuu rolled his eyes.  
  
“Yeah, yeah,” he answered and caught Lavi’s foot. He dipped his fingers into his trousers leg and softly scratched his ankle. A shiver chased up his leg. “What do you want to do with your box?”  
  
“I’ll think about it, okay?” Lavi freed his leg and turned onto his stomach. “Can you please?”  
  
“Take the shirt off,” Yuu said calmly and Lavi did as he was told. He sat down next to him and soon his fingers gently raked down his back. Lavi closed his eye and sighed with relish.

  


In the evening they lay next to each other and now Yuu was reading his book, while Lavi played with his wonderful hair. He wrapped inky strands around his index finger and enjoyed the silky feeling.  
  
“You’re not going to ask what’s in the box?” he asked and tapped the box with his foot. Yuu looked up and examined him.  
  
“None of my business, remember?” he answered and Lavi crawled a little closer and laid his head on his shoulder. Yuu laid an arm around him and the book aside. “Do you want me to ask?”  
  
“Memories,” Lavi whispered in his hair and softly kissed his collarbone. “Of my mother. And of you, mostly of you.”  
  
Yuu’s face stayed perfectly calm. They locked eyes and Lavi wanted to descend into soft darkness, surrounded by lashes.  
  
“Did you really cry for weeks?” he suddenly asked and Lavi softly frowned. He casted his eye down and his fingers started to play fidgety with the inky sea.  
  
Then he slowly nodded. Yuu wanted to say something, but Lavi was faster. “It wasn’t only because of you,” he answered and Yuu listened. “I liked him. We weren’t close, but…” He fell silent for a moment and examined Yuu’s earnest face. “And I also started to think about my own mortality and how fast everything can be over. Those weeks were weird,” he said and traced Yuu’s collarbones with his fingers. “But yeah, I cried a lot and I was very hurt. But I knew that you had to leave.”  
  
“Did you?” Yuu reached into his hair and stroked over his neck.  
  
Lavi nodded. “Yeah, I did. You hurt me, but only because you were hurt so much more.”  
  
Yuu looked past him and Lavi knew that he examined the photo of Alma. “I am sorry,” he said after a few second and Lavi shook his head.  
  
“It’s fine.” He cupped Yuu’s cheek, whose eyes wandered back to him.  
  
“It’s not,” he answered seriously. “It’s not fine. I am sorry.”  
  
“I know,” Lavi answered and his fingers brushed over Yuu’s lips. “Thank you.”  
  
Yuu wrapped an arm around his waist and they kissed. It was slow and tender and later Lavi fell asleep in Yuu’s arms.


	5. Churned up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always I want to thank you so much for the nice comments and the kudos. You're all very kind. :)
> 
> I thought some more about the length of the story and I think, it's going to be about 8 chapters, thus a little longer than I thought before.  
> I have no idea how this happened. I wanted to write an one-shot in the beginning and the story developed a momentum of its own. But it's a lot of fun. 
> 
> trigger warnings: blood, mentions of dead animals and mentions of abusive relationships.

“Morning,” Lavi murmured drowsily and Yuu turned towards him. He was sitting at his desk, a half-empty bowl and a cup of tea next to him.  
  
“Morning,” he answered. Lavi stepped between his legs and wrapped his arms around his neck. He laid his chin on top of Yuu’s head and shot a look out of the window. It was a sunny day.  
  
“How did you sleep?” Lavi asked and twitched, because Yuu’s fingers wandered over the back of his knees. “Don’t, I’m ticklish.” He drew back a little and Yuu deadpanned at him and of course he didn’t stop tickling him. Lavi started to laugh and wanted to flee, but Yuu wrapped an arm around his waist and hooked his fingers beneath his knee. Lavi doubled over and laughed in his hair. “Don’t,” he said breathlessly and Yuu left his knees alone. Instead he looked up to him and Lavi examined his beautiful face. “How did you sleep?” he asked for the second time.  
  
“Not good, but a little better,” he answered calmly and got up. “I’ll make you breakfast.”  
  
“Thank you,” Lavi said and his hands crawled under Yuu’s shirt and started to tickle his sides. Yuu didn’t even flinch. “Seriously? Not even a little?”  
  
“You’re ticklish enough for both of us,” Yuu replied and poked him in the side. Lavi giggled and fled into the bathroom.  
  
After a cold shower Yuu handed him a bowl of porridge and sat back down at his desk while Lavi sprawled out on the couch.  
  
“Whatcha doing?” he asked and promptly burned his tongue. “Ow.”  
  
“Too hot?” Yuu got up and handed him a glass of cold water. Lavi took a sip and smiled a little embarrassedly.  
  
“Thank you. Are you working?”  
  
Yuu shook his head and stretched. “I’m just having a look on my current workload.”  
  
“And?” Lavi looked at him and blew on the porridge. His tongue hurt a little.  
  
“The fucking sensor is still broken, we have some issues and I have to write a few syntaxes for the new data. Nothing special,” he answered and wanted to speak on, but he was interrupted by the telephone. He got up and answered with a frown. “Yes? Oh, okay. Thanks. I’m coming over.” He hung up and slipped into his shoes, before he noticed Lavi’s gander. “Your new laptop. The deliveryman brings my packages sometimes to my landlady, when he has time pressure, because her house is closer to the street.”  
  
Lavi sat up and raised his eyebrows. He had totally forgotten about it. “Yuu,” he said and casted his eye down.  
  
“No,” Yuu interrupted him sternly. “Don’t start that freeloader bullshit again. I told you I’ll get you a new one.”  
  
“Yuu,” Lavi repeated and didn’t look at him. Yuu came closer and crouched down in front of him and laid his warm hands on his knees.  
  
“Your old laptop is way too slow and dated,” he said a little softer. “You need a decent one. To do some research about your possibilities and interests. And for writing.” He gently pressed his knees. Lavi looked at him and frowned slightly. “Consider it as five birthday presents in one, okay?”  
  
Lavi examined him and tucked a loose strand of hair behind his ear. “And I’m not a drain on your pocket?” he asked insecurely and Yuu sighed. “I’m serious.”  
  
Yuu answered with a counter question. “Would you do the same for me?” His dark eyes were reassuring and Lavi smiled tentatively.  
  
“I guess so.” He reached out and touched the side of his head. He wore his hair in the messy bun Lavi loved so much.  
  
“I know you would,” he answered firmly and his hands rubbed over his legs. “We can send it back, if it’s makes you uncomfortable,” he added and patted his thighs lightly. “I’m kinda fired up for it, though.”  
  
“Yeah?” Lavi cupped his cheeks and smiled. His finger brushed over Yuu’s lower lashes and he nodded.  
  
“It’s really decent.” And then he started to talk about random access memory, graphics cards and operating systems and Lavi listened, even though he only understood half.

 

Later Yuu sat at his desk and worked on a syntax while Lavi sat cross-legged on the floor and had his new laptop on his legs. Yuu had set it up for him, while Lavi had sat next to him, his head on his shoulder and his hand on his leg. He clicked through his old writing and had a weird feeling, somewhere between nostalgia and melancholia. He read the piece, which he liked the most and was genuinely proud of. For a moment he thought about asking Yuu to read it, but he casted away the idea immediately. The image of Yuu sitting with the laptop on the couch and scrolling through his writing alone made him screamingly self-conscious.  
  
“And?” Yuu asked without warning and Lavi looked up a little startled.  
  
“What?”  
  
Yuu deadpanned at him. “The laptop. How do you like it?”  
  
Lavi smiled awkwardly. “Oh, it’s nice. It’s so fast. Thanks again.”  
  
He just shook his head and contemplated for a moment. “Do you need a desk?” he asked and examined him. “Or another piece of furniture?”  
  
Lavi shook his head. “Why are you asking?” He examined him with raised brows and Yuu frowned softly.  
  
“I…” He fell silent and looked around. “Do you feel at home? This is all my stuff aside from your books.” He pointed towards the shelves and tilted his head a little. “I want you to feel comfortable.”  
  
Warmth took hold of Lavi’s chest and wandered through his limbs until it reached his fingers and toes. He smiled at him. “I didn’t feel so comfortable like here with you in a long time.”  
  
Yuu’s eyes jumped over his face and then he casted them down. “Yes?” he asked and Lavi couldn’t stop smiling.  
  
“Yes.” Lavi chuckled and put the laptop aside to draw his legs up. He hugged his knees and examined Yuu, who slowly nodded.  
  
“That’s good.” His fingers wandered over the keyboard and the frown on his face slowly disappeared. “You can redecorate, if you want to.”  
  
“Thank you,” Lavi said and smiled against his knees. Yuu nodded and went back to work, while Lavi examined the blue sky through the window and enjoyed the warmth in his chest. He got up after a few minutes and walked to the bedroom. His box was standing in a corner, right next to the wardrobe. He ripped the tape open and went through mementos, until he found what he was searching for. With a few photos in his hand he walked back into the living room and stopped behind Yuu.  
  
“May I bother you for a moment?” he asked and Yuu turned his head. Another inky strand came loose from his bun and touched his neck.  
  
“You can bother me as much as you want to,” he said and Lavi handed him the photos. He took them and looked at him wonderingly.  
  
“Can I hang those up?” Lavi asked and Yuu’s brows shot up.  
  
“You don’t have to ask,” he answered and looked at them. Lavi sat down on his lap and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. He stopped at one photo and seemed to understand Lavi’s question. Yuu examined their youthful faces and his eyes were unreadable. They were sixteen on this photo and it had been the summer Lavi slowly had started to understand the weird feeling in his chest every time he interacted with Yuu. Yuu looked sternly into the camera and there was this rebellious glint in his eyes, which Lavi loved so much even then. His eyes were fastened on Yuu and a fond smile on his lips.  
  
“I can put it away, if you want to,” Lavi offered and leaned his cheek against the side of his head. They looked so careless and unworried on this photo, so unaffected by the future. By car accidents and shards of glass. By grief and fear.  
  
Yuu sighed hardly noticeable and looked at the next picture without answering his question. “You look exactly like your mom.”  
  
Lavi smiled and took the photo out of his hands. “Thank you.” His mother beamed into the camera, full of life and endearing. His great-great-uncle had taken the photo a few days before his mother’s eighteenth birthday. “I think she would have liked you very much.”  
  
“The most people don’t like me,” Yuu answered lightly and laid an arm around him.  
  
“Because they don’t know you.” Lavi stroked his cheek and smiled. “You’re aloof and it’s hard to get to know you. But then it’s easy to like you.”  
  
Yuu looked up to him and snorted. “If you think so.” He pulled the collar of his shirt aside to kiss his shoulder. “Hang them up, all of them.”  
  
Lavi smiled and kissed him before he got up.

 

The next days were full of bliss. A new daily routine sneaked in and Lavi loved it. They spent their days with swimming, reading, walking and cooking and Lavi did some research and started to think about his career while Yuu worked. He also tried to write, but the screen stayed empty and his fingers tapped restlessly on the laptop’s case. He often stopped and examined his mother’s smile. Her picture hung right next to the ones of Yuu’s mother and Alma. The other photos stood in the bookshelves in the living room.  
  
The CD still lay untouched on Yuu’s desk.

 

Lavi sat on the floor and spoke with his great-great-uncle on the phone, while Yuu sat at his desk and brooded over a corrupted code. He shot a sullen look over his shoulder and Lavi interrupted the old man’s monologue.  
  
“Gramps, please wait a moment.” He covered the receiver with his hand. “Do you want me to hang up?”  
  
Yuu shook his head. “It’s not you, it’s the fucking code. My colleague is on leave and left this shit behind. Keep talking,” he said without turning around and entered a few lines. “The fucker is on Bali and enjoys himself and I have to deal with his badly done work.”  
  
“Just tell me, if I bother you, okay?” Lavi asked and now Yuu turned around and his frown softened a little.  
  
“It’s fine.”  
  
Lavi smiled at him and took the hand away. “I’m back.”  
  
“ _Are you guys fighting_?” the old man asked and Lavi’s smile flickered.  
  
“No, we’re not,” he answered a little less friendly than before. “We didn’t even argue once.”  
  
Yuu turned his head and darted a sceptical glance at him, before he looked back at the screen.  
  
“ _No reason to get defensive. I’m just asking_ ,” the old man answered. Lavi started to massage his temple and sighed soundlessly.  
  
“Yeah, but now we’re going to change the subject,” he said firmly and now the old man sighed.  
  
“ _I see. How does the reorientation go_?” he asked and Lavi closed his eye for a moment.  
  
“I’m reading up about different options and maybe I’m going to re-enrol, but for another field of subject,” he replied reluctantly and the old man was silent for a long moment.  
  
“ _And how are you going to finance that_?” His voice was cutting.  
  
“Financing is not an issue,” he answered silently and pulled a piece of amber out of his pocket. His restless fingers started to fidget with it and he wanted to speak on, but Yuu crouched down next to him and took the receiver out of his hand. Lavi looked at him and was a little startled. Yuu was fuming.  
  
“Lavi, would you please go for a walk?” he asked and his voice was very calm. Lavi hesitated for a moment and they locked eyes. “I would like to speak with the old man.” He took Lavi’s hand and gently pressed his fingers.  
  
“Okay,” he answered softly and got up and left the little house. He was barely outside when he heard Yuu hissing, “Why can’t you leave him alone, old man?”  
  
He didn’t want to hear the rest of the conversation and closed the door and walked away quickly. Soon the sound of the ocean drowned out Yuu’s angry voice. Cool water washed around his feet and he inhaled sea-breeze. The ocean reflected the blue sky and he enjoyed the feeling of the sun on his face. It was windy, like always, and the breeze moved his hair. It had grown quite a lot in the last months and he was very happy about it. It was nearly as long as back in their school days. It made him look a little adventurous and less proper than the short hairstyle he had before at the behest of his ex-boyfriend.  
  
His fingers played with the piece of amber and he held it up and observed the beautiful play of yellow and orange. A crab flitted over the sand and Lavi watched it climbing over seashells until it was hit by a wave and disappeared between seafoam. He watched the ocean and listened to the call of seagulls, until Yuu suddenly stepped behind him and wrapped his arms around him. He laid his head on Lavi’s shoulder and was a lot calmer than before. They watched the sea in silence together for a little while until Lavi cleared his throat.  
  
“It’s hard for me to dissociate myself since… since my ex-boyfriend,” he explained silently and Yuu kissed his shoulder.  
  
“I have your back,” he answered against Lavi’s skin and his mouth wandered slowly from his shoulder to his neck. The corners of Lavi’s mouth twitched and a shiver darted over his back.  
  
“Thank you.” He laid his hands on Yuu’s and a small wave hit their feet and bedewed their legs.  
  
“Don’t thank me yet,” Yuu said and embraced him slightly tighter. “I wasn’t very friendly.”  
  
“What did you do?” Lavi asked and looked at him. Yuu grimaced a little.  
  
“I… I kind of lost my shit,” he admitted and added after a moment, “And with that I mean that I completely lost my shit.”  
  
Lavi stared at him and started to laugh. “Oh no,” he said and Yuu snorted.  
  
“Maybe I called him a stubborn old fart.” Now Lavi couldn’t stop laughing.  
  
“Yuu,” he said and turned around. “I kinda hoped you two would get along.”  
  
“Not in this life,” Yuu answered and got serious. “You’re trying to get your shit together and pressure isn’t going to help.” He looked over Lavi’s shoulder and at the sea. His warm hands stroked slowly over Lavi’s back. “Do you want me to apologize? I’ll do it, if you want me to.” Lavi could see the reflection of the endless blue of sky and sea in his dark eyes and smiled.  
  
“Just try to get along, when you see him the next time, okay?” he asked and Yuu nodded. Then they kissed between sea and sand and Lavi’s heart bounced in his chest.

 

Bliss lingered for a few more days, until it disappeared overnight. The reason was the CD Lavi had organised in the belief that it would help Yuu refresh his memories. He hadn’t expected him to lose ground because of it.

 

The first obstacle that threatened to bring Yuu down was Alma’s face, beaming into the camera. Lavi lay prone on the bed and tried to write one night when he suddenly heard Alma’s cheerful voice from the living room.  
  
“Hello, hello! Yesterday was my birthday and grandpa got me the best thing ever. It’s-” The sound stopped and steps resonated. The door was opened and shut with a bang and Yuu was gone.  
  
Lavi got up and darted a look into the living room. Alma smiled into the camera, frozen in time. His brown eyes were glinting and he looked so happy, so blithe, _so_ alive. Lavi examined him for a long moment before he closed the video and put the CD in its cover so that Yuu didn’t have to do it. He stepped to the window and looked out.  
  
The half-moon spent dim light, enough to illuminate Yuu sitting near the water. His shoulders were sloped and he looked so small in front of the darkness of sea and sky that Lavi could hardly bear it. He wanted to go out, to embrace him, to comfort him like Yuu had done so often for him, but he didn’t. Yuu had always fought his battles alone.  
  
Lavi went to bed and lay awake until Yuu finally lay down next to him. His hand brushed accidentally Lavi’s arm and it was ice cold. They didn’t talk and both of them didn’t sleep in this night.

 

The next few days were characterized by Yuu’s tries to act like everything was as fine as before, though nothing was fine.  
  
They still spent the most of their days with each other, but Yuu went often for walks alone, which got longer and longer.

 

The second time Lavi heard Alma’s voice was on an evening, while lying on the bed and reading. This time it caught him not as much as off guard as before.  
  
“Today I saw the most beautiful double rainbow and I hadn’t my camera with me. It’s a shame. I wanted to show it to Yuu, but it was gone until I-” His voice stopped and for a moment it was very silent. Then Yuu got up and went for a walk, but this time his steps were less hectic.  
  
Lavi lay awake until Yuu went to bed and woke up in the early hours. Yuu and Alma’s photo were gone and the lights in the living room were on. This time he didn’t get up.

 

They still didn’t talk about it and the circles under Yuu’s eyes got worse. Sleep deprivation made him irritable, even though he tried to conceal it. Lavi left him alone for the most of the days and sometimes he was rewarded with an arm around his waist at night.  
  
“Yuu?” he whispered into the darkness and Yuu pulled him a little closer. He hummed and his warm breath touched Lavi’s cheek. “Can I do something? Anything?”  
  
Yuu’s fingers rubbed small circles into his side and he inhaled, before he shook his head. “No.” Lavi touched his cheek and he sighed. “I just need time,” he added after a few seconds. “I… I avoided everything connected to him for so long.”  
  
“Okay,” Lavi answered silently and started to knead his tense neck. “I’m there for you, okay?”  
  
“I know,” Yuu replied and kissed his shoulder. Both of them knew that he wouldn’t take the offer.

 

“I found a litter of kittens today,” said Alma excitedly and Lavi looked up from his book. It was the same as the last two times. Yuu was alone in the living room and Lavi lay in silence on the bed and tried to not disturb him. “I called Yuu and he acted all tough and manly, but he totally wants to see them. What a dipshit.” Alma laughed and it was such a soft and lovely sound. Yuu went for a walk and Lavi went back to reading.

 

A few hours later Lavi woke up, because Yuu accidently kneed him against the shin while getting up.  
  
“Ow,” he murmured drowsily and held his leg.  
  
“Fuck.” Yuu laid a hand on his shin and another one on his knee. “Sorry.”  
  
“It’s okay,” Lavi answered and reached for the light switch. The light was too bright and he had to close his eye for a moment.  
  
“I’ll get you some ice,” said Yuu and got up and Lavi needed a second to noticed how strained his voice sounded. He sat up and Yuu was back in an instant with a pack of ice wrapped up in a towel. He kneeled down next to Lavi and carefully placed the ice on his shin, which already started to turn blue. “I’m sorry,” he said and didn’t look at him. There was a thin film of sweat on his forehead and his eyes were a little too wide.  
  
“You didn’t do it on purpose,” Lavi answered and touched his hand. Cold and a little sweaty. “Did you have a nightmare?” he asked and Yuu’s eyes flitted towards him and then to the photos on the wall. He was pale.  
  
His dark eyes rested on Alma and he looked so tired. “The kittens were dead,” he said suddenly. “The ones he found. And their mother.”  
  
Lavi softly frowned and closed his hand around Yuu’s. “What happened?”  
  
“The storm,” he just answered and Lavi understood immediately. A very heavy thunderstorm, one year prior their graduation. Lavi had spent the whole night carrying buckets full of murky water up the cellar stairs, until his great-great-uncle had stopped him, because one of their neighbours had just nearly drowned in his basement. “We searched for them and I found them. The tree, under which they were lying, had been struck by lightning.” His cold hand stroked over Lavi’s leg. “I didn’t want him to see, but he stood suddenly next to me.” He sighed soundlessly and his eyes stayed a few more seconds on Alma’s smile, before he lifted the pack of ice. “Fuck,” he said and looked at Lavi. “That must hurt.”  
  
“You didn’t do it on purpose,” Lavi repeated and shot a look at his shin. “I’ve had worse,” he tried to cheer him up and immediately knew that he said the wrong thing.  
  
Yuu stared at him and his eyes wandered over Lavi’s destroyed eye and his scars. Lavi smiled awkwardly. “Sorry,” he said and now Yuu was frowning.  
  
“Don’t apology,” he said irritated. “That’s what happened. You don’t have to apology for talking about it,” he added and took his leg in his hands. He stroked over Lavi’s calf and placed the ice back on his shin.  
  
“Okay,” Lavi answered and reached out for his hand. They intertwined their fingers and Yuu’s hand slowly started to warm up again. They stayed like this for a long while, until Lavi’s eyelids slowly grew heavy.  
  
“Lay back down,” Yuu said. “I’m gonna take a shower, but first I’m gonna search for detumescent stuff. I think there’s some lying around in the bathroom cabinet.”  
  
“Are you going to come back to bed?” Lavi asked and Yuu got up. He shook his head.  
  
“I’m gonna work. I’m behind my workload,” he answered and went to the bathroom to rummage through the cabinet.  
  
“It’s two o’clock. Are you sure?” Lavi crawled under the blanket and Yuu came back with a tube in his hands. He folded the blanket back and applied the medicine gently on his bruised shin. It immediately started to feel cool.  
  
They locked eyes and he shook his head. “I’m going to stay awake, whether I lie next to you or sit at my desk,” he said and looked away. “Go back to sleep.”  
  
“Okay.” Lavi nodded slowly and Yuu got up. “Can you kiss me?” he asked and Yuu stopped for a second.  
  
“I’m sweaty.” He sat down on the edge of the bed and Lavi smiled at him.  
  
“I don’t care,” he replied. “Can I get a goodnight kiss, please?”  
  
Yuu supported himself against the bed frame and the kiss was brief and restless. “Goodnight.” He disappeared into the bathroom and Lavi switched off the light. He touched the empty side of the bed and sighed.

 

Lavi didn’t know whether the story about the dead kittens, his concern about Yuu or the bruise on his shin was the reason, but he was barely asleep, when he started to dream about screams, angry hands, shards of glass and blinding pain. He lay on his side in a growing pool of blood and his eye hurt terribly. It was the worst pain he had ever experienced. His fingers were wet and sticky and his phone lay out of reach. He turned over onto his back in pain and with difficulty and stared at the white ceiling and life oozed out of him. Then he heard angry steps and mortal fear threatened to drown him.  
  
“Lavi!” Two hands were on his shoulders and shook him gently. “Lavi, wake up.”  
  
Lavi’s eye jumped over Yuu’s face and he needed a moment to orientate himself. He touched his side and the fabric of his shirt was slightly wet, but when he examined his hand there was no blood on it. He took a deep breath and turned onto his side. He tucked his legs up and laid a hand over his hurting eye. He was in cold sweat and his hands were ice cold and shaking. Yuu rubbed his back and looked at him with a soft frown. “Lavi.”  
  
He wanted to say something, maybe apologise, but his voice didn’t obey and suddenly he was crying. Yuu lay down next to him and his eyes were so soft. It made him cry even harder. He wrapped his arms around Yuu, who pulled him close. Lavi hid his face in the crook of his neck and Yuu’s hand was on his back and his lips on his forehead.  
  
“You’re here with me and nobody is going to hurt you ever again,” he said silently and reassuringly and the pain in Lavi’s destroyed eye slowly ceased and he calmed down little by little.  
  
“Why has everybody nightmares today?” he asked after a while and his breath was much calmer than before. Yuu drew back a little to examine him.  
  
“No idea,” he answered and his fingers started to play with Lavi’s damp hair. “Feeling better?”  
  
Lavi nodded and took the handkerchief Yuu handed him. He wiped his face and blew his nose and looked at him through wet lashes. “I’m sorry.”  
  
“Don’t,” Yuu answered with a soft frown and his thumb moved over Lavi’s blotchy cheek. “How about I stay here with you until you’re asleep?”  
  
“I’m sweaty,” he replied and ran his fingers through Yuu’s ponytail.  
  
“I don’t care,” Yuu echoed and Lavi had to smile. “Do you want me to switch off the light?”  
  
Lavi shook his head and laid his face against Yuu’s neck, whose fingers crawled under his shirt and began to softly scratch his back. Soon he fell asleep again and this time he dreamed about grey water and seashells.


	6. Too far

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back and I brought a new chapter along!
> 
> Thank you so much for the comments, kudos and support! I've never expected so many people clicking on my stories. You're all very kind and I enjoy sharing my stuff with you very much. 
> 
> And now, please enjoy! :)
> 
> Trigger warning: sexual content, mentions of abusive relationships

Lavi felt from day to day better and more like his old self, while Yuu’s insomnia and nightmares got worse and worse. They barely talked and Yuu disappeared for hours every day.  
  
The only moments he seemed to be as unwound as before were right after they slept with each other. Lavi clung to those moments and thus he initiated whenever Yuu didn’t look bone-weary. Like now.  
  
They were on the bed and his legs were on Yuu’s shoulders. Sun spilled through a gap in the curtains and illuminated Yuu’s hand on his thigh.  
  
Sex with Yuu had been right from the beginning as good as he had always imagined and it got even better after they became more attuned to one another. Yuu’s hair was loose and slid over Lavi’s legs with each of his movements. Lavi curled his fingers into the bed linen and didn’t even try to stay silent. Their little house was secluded enough that they didn’t had to worry about uninvited listeners.  
  
“Yuu,” he gasped and Yuu’s dark eyes jumped over his face. His cheeks were a little flushed and a thin strand of hair stuck to his forehead. The phone started to ring and Yuu faltered for a moment, before he picked the rhythm back up and Lavi arched his back. It rang for a few seconds, before it was silent again and Yuu’s hand wandered from his thigh down to his side. His fingers delved over the scars Lavi was so self-conscious about and which didn’t seem to bother Yuu in the slightest. Lavi laid his hand on top of his and smiled at him. “Yuu.” He propped himself up his elbow and reached out for him and Yuu leaned forward immediately. Lavi’s legs slid down his shoulders and he wrapped them around his hips and pulled him even closer. Yuu snorted and cupped his cheek. His thumb stroke over his cheekbone and the touch was as gentle as his eyes. Lavi put his arms around his neck and their lips met. It was breathless and a little clumsy and Lavi couldn’t stop smiling. Yuu moved him and Lavi squeezed his eye shut and pressed his nails into his back.  
  
“Lavi,” Yuu whispered very soft and very silent into his ear and they locked eyes. Lavi reached into his hair and threatened to sink into secure darkness, surrounded by long lashes. Yuu sped up a little and Lavi’s toes curled.  
  
But only until the telephone started to ring once more. Yuu paused for a moment and darted an annoyed look over his shoulder. Lavi examined his beautiful face and moved his legs slightly. His heart pounded wildly in his chest.  
  
“Something important?” he asked breathlessly and Yuu softly squeezed his hip and looked at him. “Wanna answer?”  
  
“I’ll take a look at the display, okay?” he asked and Lavi nodded, because the ringing started to bug him. Yuu drew back and Lavi sighed.  
  
“Hurry up,” he said and had barely time to admire Yuu’s backside, because he was back after a few seconds. “Something important?”  
  
“Not more important than you,” he answered breathily and reached for Lavi’s thighs and then he was back between his legs. Lavi’s voice jumped and he gasped his name.  
  
Soon they lay next to each other and Lavi felt molten and Yuu looked so much calmer, serener than before. Lavi’s arm was around his waist and his head on Yuu’s arm. He gently scratched his back, because he knew how nice it felt and Yuu dozed off. Lavi closed his eye and his hand stopped moving after a while.  
  
They didn’t sleep for long, half an hour tops, and Yuu shooed him under the shower like always and changed the linen, while Lavi towelled his hair vigorously.  
  
“Do you have to work?” he asked and touched his wet hair. “Or can we cuddle some more?”  
  
“I’ll work later,” he answered and raised the blanket. Lavi crawled under it and sighed with relish. The smell of detergent reached his nose, something flowery. Yuu lay down next to him and put an arm around him. Lavi curled into his embrace and closed his eye.  
  
“Who was on the phone?” he asked after a few minutes and Yuu’s hand on his back stopped for a moment.  
  
“My father,” he answered and Lavi looked up. Yuu avoided his eyes and examined the wall behind him.  
  
“Are you gonna call him back?” Lavi started to knead his tense neck and Yuu relaxed a little, before he shook his head.  
  
“He’s going to call again, if it’s important,” he replied and hid his face in Lavi’s hair. “We don’t talk often. Also I can figure why he’s calling.”  
  
“Are you gonna tell me?” Lavi asked and his hand slowly wandered down Yuu’s back. A shiver flitted down his spine and Lavi smiled.  
  
Yuu drew back a little, examined him with furrowed brows and contemplated for a short moment. “I guess Mari’s baby was born or is about to be born.” A thin strand of wet hair slid over his cheek. Lavi’s brows shot up.  
  
“Your brother has a child?” Yuu embraced him a little tighter and nodded.  
  
“It’s their second. I talked the last time with him about six months ago and he told me about it,” he answered. “The expected day of delivery was three days ago. We sometimes send e-mails to each other.”  
  
Lavi wanted to answer, but the phone rung once more and Yuu sighed. He shot a reluctant look to the door. Lavi rubbed his back and he looked at him.  
  
“When their first child was born my father tried to get me to visit and was… he was so sad, when I resorted to excuses,” he explained slowly and frowned. Lavi touched his tense jaw and he casted his eyes down. The telephone fell silent and he exhaled in relief.  
  
“Do you want me to answer, when he calls the next time?” Lavi offered and Yuu’s frown deepened. “You talked to gramps,” he added quickly, before Yuu could say anything and he closed his mouth.  
  
“I…” He fell silent and shook his head. “I’m going to answer.”  
  
“Okay,” Lavi whispered against his skin and pulled him closer. “Just tell me, if you change your mind, okay? I’m great at talking my way - or in this case your way - out.” He kissed his collar bone and Yuu nodded.  
  
“Thank you.”

 

Froi called again the next day and Yuu, who sat at his desk and worked, picked up reluctantly. The night before was sleepless and Lavi had woken up very early in the morning, because a cup had slid out of Yuu’s overtired hands.  
  
“Hello father,” he greeted him and leaned against the wall. “Everything is fine. Why do you call?”  
  
He shot a look at Lavi, who sat cross-legged on the couch and ate an apple. He pointed towards the door and raised questioning his brows, but Yuu shook his head and mouthed, “Stay.”  
  
“Oh, really? Did everything go fine? How’s Miranda?” His voice sounded very calm, but his eyes wandered restlessly through the room and stopped at the window. The sky was grey and it looked like rain. A soft breeze moved the flowers in front of the window. “That’s good to hear. Do they already have a name for her?”  
  
Lavi got up and threw the rest of his apple away and heated some water. He rummaged through the cabinet and found the green tea Yuu liked so much.  
  
“That’s a beautiful name… Right know? I’m working. We started a new project and I’m working overtime, because we’re lagging behind.” He lied without batting an eye like Lavi had done so often in the past, whenever somebody had asked after his car accident. “I’m… I’m sorry, father, but I’m not going to make it. You know how much I work. Yes, I know. I’m sorry, but I can’t.” He sighed soundlessly and casted his eyes down. “Father, I know.” Lavi prepared a cup of tea and turned towards Yuu, who looked at him.  
  
“Do you want me to…?” he whispered silently and Yuu shook his head firmly. He laid a hand over his eyes.  
  
“Father, I’m sorry, but that’s my decision,” he said, voice less calm and a little cutting. “Yes, okay,” he added a little softer. “Yes, I know. I have to hang up now. Yes, that sounds good. Thank you. Bye. Okay, yes. Bye, father.” He hung up and took a deep breath.  
  
“Is everything okay?” Lavi sat back down on the couch and Yuu darted him a short unreadable look.  
  
“It’s a girl, they are going to call her Mina and he’s heartbroken, because I’m not going to come home to have a look at her,” he answered curtly and walked to the door. “I’m going for a walk.”  
  
“Okay,” Lavi replied and wanted to add something, but Yuu was already gone.

 

Lavi spent the rest of the afternoon outside and alone in the bedroom, while Yuu brooded over his work. He tried to write again, but still without success. His head was full of words, but none of them were willing to ensconce themselves in the empty document in front of him. Lavi laid his head down and sighed, when suddenly Alma’s voice resonated. He laughed and everything was fine until it wasn’t fine anymore. Lavi learned soon that his polite demureness had been a mistake. He should have looked at the videos.  
  
“Yuu, Yuu, come here! Show me your pretty face.” Alma laughed.  
  
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, how often do I have to tell you to get that fucking thing out of my face?” nineteen-year-old Yuu snapped harshly at him.  
  
Lavi jumped to his feet, but he was too late.  
  
“I… I just wanted to…” Alma’s voice was hurt, deeply and honestly hurt and the video stopped.  
  
Lavi looked hesitantly into the living room and paused. Yuu sat with the back to him in front of the dark screen, the hand on the armrest was clenched, the knuckles white. It was silent for another moment and then he got up and Lavi caught a glimpse on his face before he disappeared. Guilt, raw and painful. Lavi’s heart ached in his chest and he flinched when Yuu shut the door with a bang.  
  
He walked to the window and looked out, but Yuu was already too far away. His steps were angular and Lavi had the sudden feeling that his efforts made everything even worse.

 

Yuu was gone for hours, although rain started to coming down in sheets shortly after he had left. Lavi paced restlessly through the living room and more than once he was already at the door, but in the end he didn’t follow him. Yuu obviously needed time to himself. Waiting for him was hardly bearable and Lavi became more and more antsy.  
  
It was already dark and the sky clear and cloudless, when he finally came home. Lavi was sitting on the couch and didn’t dare to say something and Yuu didn’t look at him. He was wet to the skin and pale. He disappeared for a half an hour under the shower and then he sat down at his desk, still silent. Lavi prepared a cup of tea and sat it down next to him. He tentatively reached out, but Yuu moved away.  
  
“Please don’t,” he said silently and stared at the screen. His voice was too even.  
  
“Okay,” Lavi answered insecurely and cleared his throat. “I’m going to lie down and read, okay?”  
  
Yuu nodded and scrolled through a corrupted syntax. “Thank you.”  
  
“You’re welcome,” Lavi replied gently and was nearly at the door when the telephone started to ring. He shot a look and the display and was relieved to see that it wasn’t Yuu’s father. “It’s somebody from work. Do you want me to get rid of them?”  
  
“I’m coming.” Yuu got up and reached for the receiver and Lavi wanted to wrap his arms around him, but he didn’t. Instead he went to the bedroom and left him heavy-heartedly alone. The conversation was long and Yuu’s voice less and less calm throughout.  
  
Lavi listened unwillingly and learned how much Yuu was behind with his work and that his superior didn’t seem to be too happy about it. The corrupted code of his colleague, who was on leave right now, was also still not working and the same applied to the sensor of the weather station. Yuu hung up after a while and his steps were heavy. He sat back down at his desk and Lavi left him alone for a while, before he got up and walked to the kitchen unit. Yuu had skipped supper and Lavi prepared stir-fry as silently as possible. When he was done he brought him a serving and placed it right next to him.  
  
“Thank you,” he said without looking up and entered long lines.  
  
“You’re welcome,” Lavi answered kindly for the second time today, hiding his concern behind a smile, and disappeared with his own serving into the bedroom. He ate, read and after an hour he fell asleep, the book still on his chest.  
  
The clinking of dishes woke him up hours later and Lavi darted a drowsily look at his phone. Three o’clock. He got up and walked into the living room.  
  
Yuu did the dishes and turned around when he heard his steps. He looked totally exhausted and a deep frown was on his face.  
  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up.” His voice sounded strained and Lavi walked past him and started to dry clean dishes.  
  
“It’s fine,” he said and suppressed a yawn. “Are you going to come to bed with me when we’re finished?”  
  
Yuu didn’t look at him and scrubbed a frying pan. “I tried to sleep, but I can’t. Go back to bed.”  
  
Lavi examined him and hesitated for a moment. “Yuu,” he started and Yuu’s shoulders tensed up. “You don’t look very good. How about you just lie down with me? Or we could watch a movie or something?”  
  
“My superior wants to have my syntaxes by tomorrow and I’m not finished.” He still didn’t look at him and Lavi leaned against the fridge with a soft sigh.  
  
He wavered for a few seconds and then he started to talk. “Yuu, I know that you feel bad, but… Alma cherished you very much and I’m sure that he knew that you meant no harm.” He wanted to speak on, but Yuu gripped the edge of the counter and suddenly Lavi knew that it had been a mistake.  
  
“Of course he knew,” Yuu hissed and his jaw was tense. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I snapped so often at him and made him cry.” Anger seeped out of him and Lavi took a step back, but the fridge was behind him and Yuu between him and the rest of the room. “And now he’s fucking dead and there is no way to make up for it.” His voice got louder and louder. “So please, just leave me alone and go to bed!”  
  
He turned around too quickly and suddenly all Lavi could think about were screams, angry hands and shards of glass. He stumbled backwards against the fridge and his hands shot up in a desperate attempt to protect his head, even though a clearheaded part of him knew that there was no way Yuu would ever hit him. But months under pressure left behind marks.  
  
Yuu faltered and his anger was gone in an instant. His dark eyes went wide.  
  
“Yuu,” croaked Lavi and his voice trembled. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”  
  
“Lavi.” Yuu looked at him in shock. “Oh god, Lavi.”  
  
“I’m sorry, please don’t scream at me.” And now he was crying, like so often in the last months. Yuu reached out and wanted to touch him, but Lavi shook his head and he stopped dead. “Yuu, I’m sorry.” His eye flickered towards the door and Yuu backed off immediately and made way for him. Lavi brushed past him and brought a few steps distance between them. His heart was racing in his chest and he felt like back then, scared and cornered.  
  
“Lavi,” Yuu whispered and his voice was so soft. “Lavi, I’m so sorry.”  
  
Lavi struggled for words and the only sound was him panting for air. He had no idea what to do or what to say and fled into the bathroom a moment later. He sat down on the toilet lid and tried to concentrate on his breathing. He was shaking, cold sweat drenched his shirt and he hid his face behind his hands and couldn’t stop crying. He hadn’t locked the door, but Yuu didn’t come in. Lavi could hear his steps in the bedroom, anxiously pacing up and down.  
  
Suddenly Yuu’s voice flashed through his mind. _You’re here with me and nobody is going to hurt you ever again_. Softly spoken into his ear. Lavi squeezed his eye shut and repeated the words again and again in his head and finally after a long time, which felt nearly endless, his breathing became slower and more even. He slowly lowered his hands and took a few deep breaths until he felt less dizzy.  
  
Then he got up to wash his face and looked in the mirror, only to lay eye on the same sight he had seen so often in the last months of his last relationship. His eye jumped over his blotchy cheeks, reddened eye and scars and suddenly he got angry, so angry.  
  
Yuu softly knocked and Lavi clenched his fists.  
  
“Can I come in?” His voice was full of remorse and Lavi knew that he was sorry, but anger roared in his chest. He tore open the door and Yuu looked at him wide-eyed. He stepped back to make room for him and Lavi brushed past him and into the living room. “Lavi-”  
  
“I’m going for a walk,” he said through gritted teeth without looking at him and was surprised how firm his voice sounded. He opened the door and stepped out on wet sand. Yuu didn’t follow him and Lavi walked into the darkness. The moon wasn’t more than a sliver, but the sky was full of stars and Lavi walked until his feet touched cold sea water and took deep breaths. His hands were still shaking, but he wasn’t crying anymore. Anger didn’t persist for long, as usual. Lavi had never been an angry person. It fumed away and made room for exhaustion. He examined the stars and their reflection on the serene sea.  
  
Yuu was running on empty, Lavi knew that. He had lived in peace and solitude, far away from reminders of car crashes, aside from a single photo in his bedroom, and then Lavi had stumbled back into his life and made a mess of it. He also knew that Yuu was right now sitting in his little house and agonized about what had just happened. He turned around and examined the house, their small and secluded home, his hideaway. The door was still open and Yuu appeared and leaned in the doorway. Lavi saw only his silhouette, while Yuu probably couldn’t make him out in the darkness. His shoulders were as sloped as days before and after a moment he disappeared. Lavi sighed and shoved a hand into his pocket and started to fidget with a piece of amber. He couldn’t see it in the darkness, but the surface felt cool and smooth between his antsy fingers. He frowned slightly and after a moment he walked through the darkness.  
  
Yuu leaned against the counter and looked up as soon as he came back in. “Lavi,” he said and remorse oozed out of his dark eyes.  
  
Lavi stopped in the doorway and took a deep breath. “Screaming scares me,” he explained softly and shivered slightly in his wet shirt. He examined Yuu and his frowned deepened. “You know what happened in my last relationship. I don’t want to be scared anymore.” He looked at the piece of amber in his hands and then into Yuu’s dark eyes. “Promise me that you will never scream at me again. Promise me.”  
  
“Never again, I swear it.” Yuu stepped closer, but he still maintained a small distance between them. He casted his eyes down and this time Lavi didn’t step back. “Lavi, I’m so sorry.”  
  
“Okay.” Lavi took a shaky breath and finally he couldn’t endure the situation any longer. He more or less fell into Yuu’s arms and they embraced each other tightly. They stood there for a long time like this and Yuu’s cold hands moved over his back. Lavi closed his eye and his throat started to feel tight, but this time not because of fear, but rather of the insight that the months under pressure were truly over. Yuu noticed, because he always did, and wanted to look at him, but Lavi tightened his arms around him and they stayed like this. The door was still open and the sound of the ocean wafted into their home and made it a little easier to breathe. They only moved slightly apart to kiss.  
  
They didn’t sleep for the rest of the night and they also didn’t talk much. Yuu was withdrawn into himself and Lavi didn’t know what to say.  
  
They finished the dishes, Lavi took a shower and afterwards they walked hand in hand over the wet sand and watched the sunrise. Yuu’s pale face looked less worn out in soft hues of yellow and rose. They had breakfast and then Yuu went back to his desk.  
  
Lavi left to do the groceries shopping, because he was still so restless, and pondered the whole time how he could help him. The most urgent problems were his insomnia and the nightmares. Maybe they could go on a short trip together, far away from memories and Alma’s smile. He was home soon and wanted to suggest his ideas, but Yuu’s unhappy face made him stop dead.  
  
“Is everything okay?” he asked and put down the grocery bags. His stomach started to hurt.  
  
Yuu didn’t look at him and sat down on the couch. “Can we talk?” he asked and Lavi stared at him. He slipped out of his shoes and slowly sat down next to him.  
  
“Is everything okay?” he asked again and his breath hitched in his throat, because Yuu didn’t take his hand when he held it out. “Yuu?”  
  
“I… I thought about what has happened tonight and…” He frowned and examined his hands. “Lavi, you should leave.”  
  
It was like a slap in the face. Lavi stared at him with mouth agape and struggled for words. “What?” he rasped finally out and Yuu closed his eyes for a moment.  
  
“It’s… It’s been five years and I’m still like this. I’m always going to be like this. It _always_ has been like this. It’s fine for some time and then it gets worse.” He stood up and walked to the window. “I shouldn’t have agreed with you moving in. I’m sorry.”  
  
Lavi took a deep breath and got up. “So, you want me to go, but not, because you want to break up with me, but rather because you don’t want to be a burden on me?” he asked and anger, his new friend, was back. “Did I understand you right?”  
  
Yuu turned around and frowned. “Lavi, you were scared of me.”  
  
“I was scared of your screaming and not of you. My ex screamed the whole fucking time at me. I’m not scared of you,” he countered and walked towards him. “You apologized and it’s fine.”  
  
Yuu took a very deep breath and anger darted across his face for a moment. “Stop saying it’s fine. It’s not fine. Nothing is fine. You were _scared_. And…” He struggled for words and his eyes flitted aside. “I’m a fucking wreck. I can’t sleep, I can’t work, I can’t eat and I fucking can’t treat you like you deserve.” His voice was strained and Lavi grabbed his shoulders and squeezed them a little too hard. Yuu’s dark eyes jumped to his face.  
  
“You’re all banged up, like me. We’re both wrecks, okay?” His throat started to prickle and he had to blink a few times. “I don’t want to go. Yuu, I love you.” The words stumbled out of his mouth, hardly audible, and hung in the air between them for a moment. Yuu’s eyes were very dark and very soft.  
  
“And I can’t escape the feeling that I’m going to hurt you.” His shoulders tensed up like they did hours ago, but this time rage wasn’t the reason.  
  
“Don’t make me go, please?” Lavi whispered and now his eye spilled over. He wrapped his arms around him and Yuu hugged him back, immediately. “Please don’t make me go.”  
  
Yuu didn’t cry, but his voice was less firm than usually. “I don’t want you to go down with me.”  
  
“Nobody is going to go down.” Lavi drew back and wiped his face. He slipped the eyepatch off and threw it aside. “You didn’t go down in five years and I didn’t go down, even after somebody pushed me through a glass door. We’re going to ride this out.”  
  
They locked eyes and Yuu took a deep breath. His eyes started do wander over Lavi’s face and he softly frowned. “Are you sure?” he asked and Lavi nodded instantly.  
  
“It’s going to work out. I know it.” His cold hands moved over Yuu’s tense shoulders and into his hair. “I know it.”  
  
Yuu looked at him for a long time and finally he nodded. “Okay.” Lavi’s heart felt a little lighter and he couldn’t stop the smile.  
  
“I love you,” he whispered and it was wonderful and awe-inspiring at the same time.  
  
Yuu’s face softened and he cupped Lavi’s scarred cheek. Grey light spilled through the window and the call of a seagull resonated.  
  
“I love you, too.”  
  
Lavi couldn’t stop the sound from escaping his lips, something between laughing and crying and Yuu rubbed his back and made it even worse.  
  
“Sorry.” Lavi beamed teary-eyed at him and Yuu kissed his wet cheek.  
  
“Don’t, it’s fine,” he said reassuringly and gently took his face in his hands.  
  
They kissed and it was so soft and tender and the world stood still.

 

A short time later Yuu went and got him a handkerchief and his hand lay on the small of Lavi’s back, while he wiped his face. Together they put the groceries away and afterwards Yuu went out for a swim, probably needing a few moments to himself.  
  
It was raining heavily and the sky was full of clouds and Yuu’s dark hair stood out between the grey in grey. Lavi stood in the open door and watched him. Concern and uneasiness swirled in his stomach and his antsy hands played restlessly with the door’s keys. Yuu was nearly at the water, when Lavi called his name.  
  
He ran through the rain, while Yuu waited for him, already ankle-deep in the water. His hair clung to his face and shoulders and drops of rain to his lashes. He looked less tense than before, but still exhausted.  
  
“Yuu,” Lavi called out breathlessly and grey sea water washed around their feet. He took Yuu’s hand and gently pressed his fingers. “Don’t swim out too far.” It was very silent for a moment and both of them knew that Lavi wasn’t talking about the sea.  
  
Yuu’s face was very calm and his hand warmer than before. “I’ll try,” he answered and intertwined their fingers. “Lavi, I’ll try.”  
  
“Okay.” Lavi cupped his cheeks and they kissed between grey sky, grey sea, grey rain, until Yuu softly squeezed his hips and then he stepped back and plunged into the sea.  
  
“Don’t swim out too far,” Lavi repeated silently and stood in the rain, waiting for him to return.


	7. Golden Beacon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for a new chapter!
> 
> Thank you so much for the comments, kudos and hits! I'm delighted and you're all so incredibly kind and supportive. 
> 
> As you can see I changed the number of chapters to nine, because I'm already working at chapter number eight and I think I need another one to complete the story.
> 
> The next chapter should come in about two weeks. See you soon!
> 
> Trigger warnings: mild sexual content and life threatening situations.

It was still raining when Yuu was back at his desk. Lavi sat on the couch and drank a cup of tea to warm up. He watched Yuu, who had a deep frown on his face and stared at the screen. The blueish light made him look even paler than he already was. The circles under his eyes were dark like bruises and exhaustion oozed out of his eyes.  
  
“Yuu,” Lavi said softly and he looked up. “I… I am worried. You look terrible.”  
  
Yuu examined him for a long moment and leaned back without answering. He laid a hand over his eyes and sighed soundlessly. “I know,” he finally replied and looked back at the screen.  
  
“Maybe you shouldn’t work for a few days,” Lavi suggested tentatively. “We could lie down and take a nap? You didn’t sleep the whole night.” He took a sip of tea and traced the rim of the cup with his index finger.  
  
Yuu contemplated for a long moment while he scrolled through his code, before he sighed once more and got up. “I’m gonna call the town’s physician and take some sick leave, I think.”  
  
Lavi sighed in relief and nodded. “That sounds like a good idea. I’ll drive you.”  
  
“You don’t have to.” Yuu dialled and shot him a short look over the shoulder. “You look tired. I can walk.”  
  
Lavi got up, walked to him and wrapped an arm around his waist. “No way, I’m gonna drive you.” His nose nearly touched Yuu’s cheek and he gave him a soft smile.  
  
“Okay, but you don’t have to.” He wanted to speak on, but somebody answered. “Hello, could I drop in today? The name’s Kanda.”  
  
Lavi patted his shoulder and went to search for his keys, which he had lost in the chaos in the morning. Yuu hung up after a while and helped him searching and finally found the keys on the floor, half behind the couch.  
  
A few minutes later they sat in the car and drove in silence to his doctor’s office. The sky slowly started to clear up and the sun crawled out. Lavi spotted a faint rainbow and intertwined his fingers with Yuu’s, until he had to reach for the gear shift.  
  
Soon they arrived. “Do you want me to tag along?” Lavi asked when they got out of the car, Yuu shook his head.  
  
“I’ll probably have to wait some time. I can walk back home, so you don’t have to wait,” he suggested and now Lavi shook his head.  
  
“No way,” he said for the second time today and smiled at him. “I’m gonna explore the town a little. Where’s the bookstore you told me about?”  
  
Yuu explained the way and Lavi’s hand found its way into his still wet ponytail. They kissed goodbye, Yuu disappeared into the doctor’s office and Lavi followed his directions. He found the bookstore and soon he stood between shelves and the stack of books in his arms got bigger and bigger.  
  
Since moving in he had read so much more than in the last year, mainly because he was finally more at ease than before. It wasn’t only Yuu, but also the solitude and the ocean. Lavi smiled and took another book in his hand to read the blurb. He also looked for something, that Yuu would like, even though he didn’t seem to be very choosey with his reading material. Mostly he tended to snitch the book Lavi was reading, despite his half-serious protests.  
  
He found another interesting sounding book and wanted to reach for the next, when suddenly two warm hands took hold of his waist. He turned his head and Yuu examined the books in his arms.  
  
“I guess we need a bigger bookshelf,” he said and took the stack out of his hands. “That looks heavy.”  
  
“Thank you.” Lavi smiled at him and Yuu glanced around until he found the register.  
  
“Can we leave or do you want to look around some more?” he asked and read the blurb from the topmost book.  
  
“Let’s go.” They walked to the register and Lavi wanted to pull his wallet out, but Yuu was faster. “You don’t have to pay for my stuff,” he said with a slight frown and Yuu darted a look over his shoulder while he paid.  
  
“You paid the groceries this morning,” he answered and took the bags with books in one hand and Lavi’s hand in the other. “Let’s go home.”  
  
He led the way and Lavi followed him, their fingers still intertwined. “I feel uncomfortable, when you pay for my stuff,” Lavi explained after a while and Yuu let go of his hand, but only to put an arm around his waist.  
  
“I make more money than you at the moment, therefore it’s in my opinion appropriate that I pay for the most,” he said earnestly and examined Lavi. “It’s temporary until you start working. Where’s the problem?” He curled his fingers into his side and Lavi took a deep breath.  
  
“If I re-enrol then it’s going to be like this for a few years, until I’m gonna have a better job than a sideline,” he answered seriously and pressed his lips together when Yuu shrugged.  
  
“I don’t care.” They reached the car and Lavi fumbled for his keys. “I just want you to be…” He fell silent and frowned while his dark eyes jumped over Lavi and the bags with books in his hand. “I just want you to be worriless. At least in terms of finances.”  
  
Lavi unlocked the car and inhaled deeply. They locked eyes and after a moment he smiled softly. “Okay, but as soon as I start to earn a decent wage I’m gonna buy you everything you want,” he gave in and Yuu nodded contently while he put the books in the trunk. They got in the car and Lavi started to grin. “You know what?” Of course he went the extra mile. “You’re gonna be my sugar babe.”  
  
Yuu paused and grimaced and Lavi burst into laughter. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Lavi couldn’t stop laughing and needed a moment, before he could start the engine. Yuu was a lot calmer than in their school days, but he was still as easily to irritate as back then.  
  
“You are going to get used to the idea by then,” he teased and Yuu rolled his eyes and looked long-suffering at him. Lavi laughed and took his hand and Yuu snorted. They hit the road and it was silent for a while until Lavi spoke on. “Are you gonna tell me about your appointment?”  
  
“I’m on sick leave for a week. I’ve already called my superior,” he answered and leaned back. “He was kinda pissed off, but that’s my first leave this year, so I don’t really give a fuck.”  
  
“Great.” Lavi beamed at him. “Do you want to stay home and relax? Or do you want to go away on a trip?” he asked and examined his tired face.  
  
“Stay home, I think,” he answered and suppressed a yawn. “And sleep.”  
  
“Sounds nice.”

 

They spent the rest of the day in bed and Yuu looked a little less tired after a short nap. Lavi started to rub his back and he turned over onto his stomach and sighed silently.  
  
“Take your shirt off,” he said and Yuu sat up and threw his shirt aside. Then he lay back down and Lavi straddled him and started to knead the tense muscles of his back. His hands stroked from Yuu’s nape over his bronzed shoulders and back down to his tailbone and the same way back up. He took his time and massaged bit by bit until his muscles felt softer under his fingers.  
  
Yuu’s breath slowed down and Lavi laid a hand between his shoulder blades and felt his heartbeat, calm and leisurely. He smiled and kept going, while Yuu dozed off under him.  
  
After a while Lavi legs started to get numb and he shifted his weight a little and Yuu opened his eyes. He turned his head and looked up to Lavi, who smiled at him and kneaded his shoulders. “Close your eyes and go back to sleep,” he said softly and Yuu blinked sleepily.  
  
“Aren’t you getting tired?” he asked and his warm hand touched the side of Lavi’s knee. Lavi didn’t answer, instead he took the tie out of his hair and started to massage his scalp. Yuu’s eyes fluttered shut and he exhaled deeply while his fingers curled against Lavi’s knee.  
  
“You’re getting feather-bedded today,” he said with a smile and ran his hands through his hair. This made Yuu open his eyes and a frown appeared on his face. Lavi raised his brows and tried to meet his eyes. Yuu examined him unreadably for a moment, before he turned around and wrapped his arms around Lavi. He pulled him down next to him and the frown on his face didn’t vanish. “What’s wrong?” Lavi asked and curled into his embrace. Yuu didn’t answer and Lavi raised his head. “Is it because of tonight?” he assumed and hit the bull’s eye. Yuu casted his eyes down and Lavi spoke on softly, “It’s fine. We talked about it. Forgiven and forgotten.” Yuu still didn’t look at him and Lavi gave him a light kiss. “Yuu, please.”  
  
Yuu looked into his eye and nodded slowly. “Okay,” he said silently and pulled him closer. Their noses nearly touched and Lavi didn’t get tired of examining his beautiful face.  
  
They lay like this for a while, Yuu’s warm hands gently scratching Lavi’s back and his own fingers kneading his now a lot less tense neck. It started to rain once more and big drops pounded against the window. Lavi enjoyed the warmth and cosiness of Yuu’s embrace and hid his face in the crook of his neck.  
  
“Yuu?” he whispered a little later and Yuu reached into his hair. He hummed and drew back to look at him. “Can I ask you something?” Lavi examined him carefully and Yuu nodded with a soft frown. “Have you ever thought about…” He hesitated and Yuu cupped his cheek.  
  
“What is it?” he asked and his thumb brushed over Lavi’s lower lashes.  
  
“Have you ever thought about counselling?” Lavi asked tentatively and to his big surprise Yuu nodded.  
  
“I had a few sessions some time ago, but it didn’t really work out,” he answered and played with Lavi’s hair. “You know me, I can’t talk about feelings and shit.”  
  
Lavi nodded and traced his collarbone with the tips of his fingers. “Sorry to hear that.”  
  
Yuu shrugged. “That’s the way it is,” he answered composedly and twisted his fingers into Lavi’s hair. The sunset stained the sky in different tones of red and orange and it slowly got darker in their little bedroom. Yuu blinked tiredly and Lavi smiled at him.  
  
“Wanna sleep?” he asked and Yuu nodded and closed his eyes.

 

For a change Lavi was the one, who couldn’t sleep. He lay for an hour next to Yuu, who finally rested, before he silently got up and tiptoed into the living room. He took a bottle of water, a blanket, a pillow, a torch and his laptop and closed the front door as silently as possible. The cool night air crawled under his clothes and he walked a few steps through the darkness, until he sat down and powered on his laptop. He looked up to the stars and sat there for a while with the blanket around his shoulders and his laptop on his legs.  
  
And for the first time in months Lavi wrote.

 

The world around Lavi started to move and he blinked drowsily and was seriously confused for a second, until he looked up and into Yuu’s slightly annoyed face. He carried Lavi into the house and through the living room, one arm beneath his knees and the other around his back.  
  
Lavi rubbed his eye and yawned. “Hey.”  
  
“Why the fuck do I find you sleeping outside?” Yuu asked irritated and a little breathlessly and Lavi laughed silently.  
  
“Sorry,” he murmured and wrapped his arms around his neck. “I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t want to wake you up.”  
  
They stopped in front of the bed. Yuu laid him down carefully and wanted to step back, but Lavi didn’t let go and wrapped his legs around him. Yuu, now on top of him, drew back and examined him. “This doesn’t explain why you sleep in fetal position on the beach. I woke up and you weren’t there.”  
  
“Sorry,” Lavi repeated and smiled at him. “I wanted to write and come back in later, but I fell asleep. Have you ever slept on the beach? It’s so nice with the stars and the sounds of the ocean. My back kinda hurts, though.”  
  
“You had a crab in your hair,” Yuu replied without mercy and Lavi started to laugh.  
  
“You are just fucking with me.” His hands found their way into Lavi’s hair and softly curled against his scalp. A shiver erupted between his shoulder blades and darted over his back.  
  
“I wanted to pick it out of your hair, but it disappeared into your ear. Can’t you feel it?” The corners of Yuu’s mouth twitched slightly and Lavi laughed.  
  
“Ew, stop it. I’m gonna get nightmares.” There was a glint in his dark eyes and he pinched lightly Lavi’s ear. “Leave my ear alone.”  
  
“I guess it’s going to come out when it gets hungry.” He tugged playfully at his ear and Lavi snickered. “Your back hurts?”  
  
“Lower back,” Lavi replied and Yuu got up, but only to turn him around in a fluent motion. “You’re so strong,” Lavi admired and noticed pleased a smug look darting over Yuu’s face while he pushed up his shirt. His hands started to massage his lower back and Lavi closed his eye with a smile.  
  
“You gained a little weight,” Yuu said after a while and his hands moved slowly over Lavi’s sides. His rips were less prominent now, so were his hip bones.  
  
Lavi darted him a look over his shoulder and stretched his legs. “You’re feeding me all day.” He turned a little until he could grab Yuu’s hand. “Come, lay down next to me.”  
  
Yuu did as he was told and Lavi crawled closer. Yuu wrapped an arm around him and Lavi laid his face against the crook of his neck and it was so intimate and secure like they had never been apart.  
  
“I love you,” Lavi whispered and his voice got a little tight. Yuu pulled him closer and his warm hand rubbed between his shoulder blades.  
  
His lips touched Lavi’s forehead and he felt the words more than he heard them. “I love you, too.” It was silent for a while and Lavi blinked against his skin, while Yuu’s hand moved slowly over his back. “I’ve never said that to anyone before,” he suddenly added and a shiver wandered through Lavi’s body and this time Yuu’s hands weren’t the reason. He wanted to raise his head, but Yuu laid a hand on his cheek and pushed him back down and Lavi smiled against his heated neck. The last time Yuu had been this flustered was five years ago, right after their first kiss. He hadn’t blushed - other than Lavi -, but his eyes had been everywhere but on Lavi’s face.  
  
Lavi refrained from teasing him and closed his eye, still smiling.

 

Yuu lay sprawled out on the couch with one of Lavi’s new books and read. He looked up, when Lavi stopped in front of him, the laptop in his hands.  
  
“Can I show you something?” he asked and Yuu sat up and nodded. He moved over and Lavi sat down next to him and handed him the laptop. Lavi drew his legs up and hugged his knees and watched him closely, while Yuu flipped open the laptop and examined the opened page. He raised his brows and looked at Lavi.  
  
“Linguistics,” he said and Lavi nodded with an excited smile. “You wanna study linguistics?”  
  
“How do you like the idea?” Lavi asked and nestled to his shoulder. Yuu draped an arm around him and looked back at the webpage.  
  
“Sounds good to me,” he answered and scrolled down.  
  
“I can study from home, which was kinda important for me, because I don’t want to move,” he explained and Yuu frowned slightly. “What is it?”  
  
“You don’t have to do that. I’m sure we could manage a long-distance relationship,” he said slowly and examined Lavi, who raised his brows.  
  
“But I don’t want to move. I want to stay here with you,” he answered and put the laptop aside to lay his legs over Yuu’s lap. “I’m happy here.”  
  
“But I don’t want you to waive your plans or something,” Yuu replied and palmed his thighs.  
  
“I toyed with the idea of studying linguistics since our graduation, but in the end I choose medicine. I’m not waiving anything,” Lavi explained firmly and leaned against his shoulder. “It’s perfect. I’m into it and I can study from home and stay here with you.”  
  
Yuu was silent for a moment. “Well, okay.”  
  
“So, you like the idea?” Lavi wanted to know and Yuu nodded.  
  
“Yeah, sounds good to me. You’re interested in it and you have a thing for languages, literature and shit, so I guess it’s the right thing,” he said and raised a brow. “Why is it so important for you what I think about it? I don’t care as long as it makes you happy.”  
  
“So you would support me, even if you would hate the idea?” Lavi examined him and Yuu nodded without hesitation.  
  
“Yeah, of course,” he answered and frowned. “You would do the same for me.”  
  
Lavi smiled and hugged him. “Yeah, I would.” He looked up and into his dark eyes. “I’m so excited. Do you want to have a look at the different courses I can choose from?”  
  
“Yeah, show me.”

 

“Yuu, show me your pretty face!” Alma beamed into the camera and threw an arm around Yuu’s shoulders. His miffed face appeared and he rolled his eyes.  
  
“What the fuck, Alma.”  
  
Alma tugged playfully at his ponytail and dodged before Yuu’s hand made contact with the back of his head. “Come on, we have to leave your pretty face to posterity.”  
  
He turned the camera in his hand and Yuu deadpanned into it. “Go fuck yourself.”  
  
“Oh my god.” Alma laid a hand over his mouth with mocked shock and his eyes glinted. “Yuu, you impolite fucker.”  
  
“Yeah, you’re right.” Yuu took the camera out of his hand and the corners of his mouth twitched. “Ladies and gentlemen of posterity, _please_ go fuck yourself.”  
  
Alma burst into laughter and took a few more steps, until bluster resonated and he wasn’t in the shot anymore. Yuu stopped and facepalmed. “Did you just walk into a fucking streetlamp?”  
  
“Maybe a little.” He jumped on his feet and held his head and laughed heartily and Yuu joined in after a moment.  
  
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Yuu threw back his head and laughed like Lavi had never seen him laughing. Alma wrapped an arm around his neck and laid his forehead against his cheek and together they doubled over with laughter.  
  
Lavi sat with headphones in front of Yuu’s computer and kept replaying the video. He was delighted and couldn’t get enough of Yuu’s laugh.  
  
He went through the videos and sorted them. So far there had been two, in which Yuu snapped at Alma. The rest was full of levity, laughter, smiles and glinting eyes. Needless to say, Lavi enjoyed the task a lot.  
  
He clicked on the next video and started to laugh, because Alma and Yuu lay on their backs next to each other and insulted one another with the most creative terms.  
  
Yuu came through the door and Lavi quickly closed the video. “Done?” he asked and slipped out of his shoes. He had disappeared an hour ago for a run and Lavi had forgotten the time. “Why are you laughing?”  
  
“I don’t know, dubiously doll-faced dipshit.”  
  
Yuu stopped and stared at him. “Oh, for fuck’s sake, I totally forgot about that.”  
  
Lavi laughed and leaned back. “I’m super slow, because I keep watching them over and over again.” He stretched and got up.  
  
Yuu took the tie out of his hair and dark locks spilled over his shoulders and back. Lavi’s fingers dove into the dark sea and Yuu examined him for a moment, before he started to speak.  
  
“Are there more…?”  
  
Lavi shook his head and lied without batting an eye, “No, so far not. I guess it was the only one.” He cupped Yuu’s cheek and withstood his scrutinizing look easily. “The rest is really nice. He laughs so much.”  
  
Yuu nodded slowly and his heated hands stroke over Lavi’s hips. His dark eyes wandered towards the window and he seemed to be deep in thought. “Like you,” he finally said. “Both of you laughed so much back then.”  
  
“Gimme a few more months in solitude and at the sea and I’m my old self again,” Lavi answered and wrapped his arms around his neck. Yuu’s hands brushed over his lower back and Lavi heard a frown in his voice.  
  
“Don’t say that. You’re fine the way you are.” His voice got lost in the crook of Lavi’s neck.  
  
Lavi closed his eye and smiled and they poised for a long moment like this. Lavi in Yuu’s steady arms, bathed in the sound and scent of the sea.  
  
“Do you want to read something I wrote?” The words stumbled out of his mouth and Yuu paused for the blink of an eye, before his hands started to move again.  
  
“Only if it doesn’t make you uncomfortable,” he answered and Lavi smiled, because his breath tickled his skin. He backed off, but only a little, and examined him for a moment.  
  
“It’s going to be awkward as fuck, but I still wanna show you.” Yuu’s dark eyes danced over his face and he nodded.  
  
“Okay, I’ll take a shower and then I’m gonna read your stuff. But I don’t know shit about literature,” he pointed out, but Lavi waved his hands.  
  
“I don’t want a review, it’s fine.”  
  
In the end _awkward as fuck_ was an understatement. Yuu lay on the bed with Lavi’s laptop on his legs, while Lavi wandered through the living room and was jazzed out of his mind.  
  
“Lavi.” Yuu stood suddenly in the doorway and frowned. “I’m a slow reader and you pattering around like that doesn’t really help. Do you want me to stop?”  
  
“Do you want to stop?” Lavi asked without answering his question and fidgeted with a piece of amber in his pocket.  
  
Yuu shook his head and his frown disappeared. “No. I only read a little, but… no, I don’t want to stop.”  
  
“Do… do you like it?” Lavi asked with a tentative smile and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Yuu nodded and Lavi couldn’t stop the smile.  
  
“How about you go for a walk or something?” Yuu suggested and shoved his hands into his pockets. Lavi was apparently not the only one feeling a little awkward.  
  
“Okay.” Lavi threw his arms around him and kissed him ardently, before he turned on his heels and fled. He clearly heard him snorting behind his back and had to laugh while closing the door.  
  
It was already early evening and the sun was hidden behind grey clouds. The sea was heavy and a strong breeze ruffled Lavi’s hair and brought the scent of salt along. The sand under his bare feet was slightly wet and scrunched with every of his steps. Lavi walked towards the water and sea foam washed around his ankles. He inhaled deeply and tilted his head back.  
  
The longer he lived at the sea the more it was beyond him how he was ever able to live in a tiny one room apartment in a plattenbau. He had felt comfortable in his small room, surrounded by books and learning every night, but that had been before shards of glass and nightmares and traumata. In the end he had spent his days lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and wallowing in self-pity. Mostly because of the eye, academically failure and the fear of never going to be able to get involved with a new love. Not after the ruins of his last relationship.  
  
Then the old man had encouraged him to go on a short vacation and everything had changed. Yuu had appeared out of the sea and suddenly everything had been so much easier, so much livelier. Yes, both of them had their crosses to bear, Lavi in the form of nightmares and scars and Yuu in the form of grief and Alma’s blinding smile, but everything was going to be alright. Everything was going to work out. Lavi just knew it.  
  
It started to rain and he raised his hands and smiled into the grey in grey of his new home. He pulled the hood of Yuu’s wide pullover over his head and shoved his hands into his pockets and started to walk. The waves got higher and higher and sea water splashed against his calves, but Lavi kept walking.  
  
The sun was already setting when Yuu caught up to him. He had reached the dunes in the meantime and walked between bleached out tufts of grass. Yuu doffed his rain jacket and wrapped it around Lavi’s shoulders. He was soaked to the bone, but he still beamed at Yuu, who raised his brows.  
  
“What the fuck are you doing? You’re gonna get sick.” He laid an arm around his waist and together they walked back home. The rain was so strong that Yuu was soaked in minutes. His dark hair stuck to his face and neck and Lavi reached out to brush it aside.  
  
“Wow, what a storm.” Lavi’s voice was nearly drowned out by the wind. It was now so strong that it was noticeably harder to walk. “Are storms like this normal?”  
  
“Not really at this time of the year,” Yuu answered and squinted against rain. Drops of water clung to his long lashes and went flying with each of his blinks. “The institute issued a gale warning, but I saw it only just.”  
  
They finally reached the house and the door flew out of Yuu’s hand and slammed against the wall knocking over flower pots.  
  
“Your plants,” Lavi said, but Yuu shook his head and pushed him inside.  
  
“Fuck the plants. Get inside. I don’t want you to get hit by something.” He pulled the door close with visible difficulty. Lavi walked over to the window and shot a look outside. The waves were huge and splatters of sea water reached the pane.  
  
“Yuu, do I have to be worried?” he asked and turned around. Yuu wrapped a towel around his shoulders and started to rub his chilled back.  
  
“Nah, don’t worry. It looks worse than it is,” he answered and pushed the soaked rain jacked down his shoulders. He wanted to speak on, but suddenly the light went out and both of them stood in silence next to each other.  
  
“Are you sure?” Lavi asked. He could barely see him in the little rest of daylight, that got through the wet window.  
  
“Yeah, that sometimes happens.” Yuu stepped back and Lavi heard his naked feet wandering away. “We light some candles and tomorrow everything is going to be alright. Aside from my plants, maybe.”  
  
“And what do you want to do until we go to bed?” Lavi doffed his wet hoodie and towelled his hair off. He heard the crackle of a match and Yuu came back with a candle in his hand.  
  
“Warm you up,” he said a little breathy and his dark eyes went all over Lavi’s naked upper body. Lavi simultaneously grinned and blushed and stepped closer until their noses were nearly touching.  
  
“Yeah? All night long?” He reached out and slowly started to unbutton his soaked shirt and Yuu leaned in closer. His warm breath wafted over Lavi’s ear and a shiver darted across his entire body.  
  
“All night long,” he whispered and Lavi took a last long look at his beautiful face, until Yuu moved closer and their lips touched.

 

Candlelight gave Yuu’s skin a golden tone. They lay next to each other on a spread out blanket on the floor of the living room and Yuu didn’t grow tired of examining Lavi’s face. In the beginning he had felt inferior with his scars and flaws in comparison to Yuu, whose face was as unblemished as five years ago, but the feeling had died down. Mainly because of the way Yuu looked at him. Lavi cupped his cheek and couldn’t stop smiling, because he was so… so happy. As happy as he hadn’t been in years.  
  
Yuu frowned and raised his head a little and now Lavi noticed that he saw everything through a haze. “What’s wrong?” Yuu asked and his voice was so soft and so tender that Lavi’s eye spilled over. His warm fingers brushed over his wet cheek and Lavi smiled at him.  
  
“I’m so happy to have you back,” he whispered and Yuu’s frown smoothed out. “Sorry.”  
  
Yuu just shook his head slightly and propped himself up on his elbow. He wiped Lavi’s cheeks and then his hand wandered into his hair and his fingers curled gently against Lavi’s scalp. “It’s…” He fell silent for a moment and frowned softly. “It’s so weird that we just met here. After all these years.” He wrapped a wet strand of hair around his finger and Lavi nudged their feet together.  
  
“Lucky me.” Lavi smiled at him and took his face in his hands. “And lucky you.”  
  
“Yeah, lucky me.”

 

They spent the whole evening on the blanket. They took a quick - and dark - shower and afterwards Yuu laid another blanket around his shoulders and pulled out a piece of paper. Lavi tried to have a look at it, but Yuu kept it out of his range.  
  
“Don’t,” he said and Lavi leaned back.  
  
“Okay,” he answered a little puzzled and Yuu laid his head onto his stomach and unfolded the piece of paper. Lavi reached into his wet hair and twisted his fingers into the inky strands.  
  
“Don’t you dare to laugh,” Yuu warned and cut him a look.  
  
“I promise.” Rain pondered against the window and the cluttering of flower pots resonated.  
  
“I’m shit at this, but fuck it. We’re doing that now.” Yuu cleared his throat and examined his notes. “This is a list with everything I liked.”  
  
Lavi frowned and contemplated for a moment, if he could braid Yuu’s hair without avenge, until it dawned him. “Wait, about my writing?” he asked wide-eyed and raised his head. Yuu laid a hand on his forehead and pushed him back down. “You made notes?”  
  
“It’s important for you,” Yuu answered a little impatiently. “Of course I took fucking notes. My memory is shit. And now stop talking.”  
  
“But-” Lavi protested and gesticulated wildly. “But I’m flattered. That’s so nice of you.”  
  
Yuu scowled at him and Lavi came to the conclusion that this was obviously a moment he should shut up. He lay back down, examined the ceiling and acted like he didn’t feel the heat on Yuu’s neck.  
  
And Yuu started to read out his list and Lavi was immediately embarrassed, flustered and cajoled at the same time. It was a long and elaborated list.  
  
“Okay, and my conclusion is the following: if you would write a book, I would buy it,” he topped off and shot a look at Lavi’s reddened face. “And fight everybody, who gives you a bad write-up.”  
  
Lavi burst into laughter and gave Yuu, whose head still lay on top of him, a good shake. He rolled his eyes, but the corners of his mouth twitched.  
  
“Thank you,” Lavi said after a few moments and patted his head. “Can I please keep the list? Pretty please?”  
  
“My handwriting is horrible,” Yuu answered reluctantly and frowned at him, but only until Lavi gave him his best puppy eyes. He groaned and rolled his eyes once more. “Okay, keep the fucking list, but don’t complain, if you can’t read shit.”  
  
“Thank you!” Lavi curled around him and covered his face with kisses. “You’re the best.”  
  
“It’s not a big deal,” he replied a little self-conscious and bit Lavi’s bottom lip, probably to shut him up. It worked.  
  
They kissed, while the storm raved outside and ruined Yuu’s little garden. Yuu’s mouth wandered over his neck and his warm hands pushed up his shirt.  
  
“Wanna go to bed?” he asked huskily and looked up to him. The flickering light of the candles reflected in his dark eyes.  
  
Lavi shook his head and wrapped his legs around him. “Way too far away.”  
  
“Come on-“ Now it was Lavi’s turn to shut him up. He reached between his legs and Yuu fell silent with a little gasp.  
  
“Yuu,” Lavi whispered a short while later. Yuu was on top of him and his skilled fingers in the progress of opening the tangled knot of Lavi’s sweatpants.  
  
“Mh?” he hummed and pressed a kiss right under his navel.  
  
“Your phone’s vibrating.” Lavi propped himself up his elbows and Yuu raised his head and arched a brow. “The whole time.”  
  
“Yeah?” He sat up and reached out for his phone, which was on the desk right next to them. “My landlady.” He shot a quick look at the clock on the wall and frowned. “Yes? What? The reception is shit.” His hand played with the seam of Lavi’s pants, until the movement suddenly stopped. “Are you fucking shitting me?” He jumped up and reached for his shirt. “Tell her to fucking stop that nonsense. I’m coming.”  
  
“What’s wrong?” Lavi got up and pulled his shirt down.  
  
“The landlady’s granddaughter. Her fucking boat threatens to drift off and the old hag is out in the fucking storm and tries to save the fucking thing. Stay here.” He was nearly at the door, when Lavi caught his arm.  
  
“No way, I’m coming with you.” He dug his fingers into his wrist and Yuu stared angrily at him.  
  
“No, you’re not. It’s fucking dangerous out there. You’re staying here,” he hissed, but Lavi didn’t budge. He opened the door and both of them got hit by a gust of wind. Yuu’s loose hair waved wildly and he brushed it aside impatiently. “You’re not coming with me.”  
  
“No way,” Lavi repeated firmly and blinked against the sprinkling of rain and seawater. “I come along or you stay here with me.”  
  
They locked eyes and Lavi’s grip around Yuu’s wrist tightened. Rain and wind extinguished their candle and Lavi could barely see him, but he still didn’t budge. Finally Yuu harrumphed and freed himself. “Okay, but you stay back,” he gave in angrily and reached past Lavi, who took his hand. Yuu switched on a flashlight and then they ran next to each other over the slick sand. The sight was miserable, but Yuu lead the way.  
  
Forked lightning way too close for Lavi’s taste illuminated the scenery and his heart sunk, when he saw two figures fighting with a boat on the aged stage.  
  
“Grandma!” The voice was shrill and full of panic. “Grandma! Stop!” The light of a flashlight jumped around.  
  
“No! This boat was your grandfather’s pride and joy! No!”  
  
Yuu started to sprint and was way faster than Lavi. Lightning after lightning flashed over the sky and it was barely enough to see. Yuu nearly flew over the aged stage and jumped over a tangled mess of rope.  
  
“What the fuck is wrong with you!?” he shouted furiously and wrapped an arm around the old lady. “Let go of the fucking rope and come inside!” He started to drag her towards the shore, but the old lady fought tooth and nail.  
  
“I can’t lose the boat! I can’t!”  
  
Lavi finally reached them and saw in the frantic light of torch and lightning that the wetness on her cheeks wasn’t only because of the rain. Her granddaughter was likewise crying.  
  
“I don’t give a fuck!” Yuu growled and carried her a few steps, until his bare feet lost their grip on the slippery stage. He landed flat on his back and hissed in pain. The old lady scrambled to her feet and reached for the tether.  
  
“Yuu!” Lavi nearly stumbled over the mess of rope.  
  
“I’m fine,” he answered and his voice nearly got drowned out by the storm raging around them. He held his side and inhaled deeply.  
  
Lavi laid his hands on the old lady’s shoulder and talked insistently to her. “Please, come inside. It’s too dangerous out here.”  
  
“But-” she sobbed and a harsh tug on the rope caused her to nearly lose her footing. Lavi reached for the rope and held her up with his other hand. Yuu got on his feet and wanted to grab her, but Lavi moved in between them.  
  
“I know that your boat is important for you, but do you really think that your husband would want this?” Lavi insisted and the granddaughter laid a hand on her grandmother’s arm.  
  
“He’s right. Grandpa wouldn’t want you to risk your life. Please, please come inside with me.”  
  
The stage got hit by a wave and Yuu’s hands closed vice-like around Lavi’s upper arms. The old lady nearly lost her balance, but her granddaughter and Lavi supported her.  
  
She looked at the boat, which jumped over waves, and with a sob she let go of the rope. Her granddaughter wrapped an arm around her shoulders and sighed in relief.  
  
“Inside, now,” ordered Yuu brusquely and let go of Lavi to take her arm and lead her over the stage. The granddaughter looked at Lavi and laid a hand on his upper arm. “Thank you so much,” she said nearly inaudible and Lavi wanted to answer, but another huge wave hit the stage. They nearly fell into the ocean and somehow they managed to cling to each other and stay on top.  
  
“Fuck!”  
  
“Come here!” Yuu exclaimed against the raging storm. He stood at the end of the stage, his hand still closed firmly around the old lady’s arm, who wept bitterly.  
  
“We’re coming!” Lavi pushed the granddaughter softly and was right behind her.  
  
But only until he stepped blindly into the tangled mess of rope. The boat was hit by another wave and a yank went through the rope.  
  
Lavi lost his footing and didn’t even have time to scream. His head collided violently with the stage and suddenly the world was veiled in cotton and spun wildly. He turned over onto his side and laid a shaky hand on his aching head. His hair felt hot and sticky and when he drew back his hand he saw crimson red in the shine of the granddaughter’s flashlight.  
  
“Lavi?” Yuu’s worried voice wafted over to him. Bluster resonated and he heard Yuu cursing after he lost once more his footing, “Fuck! Lavi, I’m coming!”  
  
The granddaughter took his arm and tried to help him up, but only until another way stronger yank went through the rope, which tightened around Lavi’s ankle. Suddenly he got dragged over the stage and now he screamed. The rotten wood scraped up his skin, but he barely felt it in his panic. The granddaughter stumbled after him, eyes wide, and shrieked stridently. She rammed her nails into his hand in a desperate attempt to help, but she couldn’t hold him.  
  
Yuu broke his promise and his scream pierced through wind and rain. “Lavi! _Lavi_!”  
  
Lavi’s nails scratched helplessly over the wood of the stage and then he fell into the darkness. In the next moment he was surrounded by cold water. It was so dark and he felt so dizzy, but he fought with all his might, and somehow his head broke through the surface. He gasped for air and coughed and frantically turned his head, but he couldn’t see the stage in the darkness. The salty water burned in his eye and his head wound and he inhaled water and couldn’t stop coughing. Something pierced through the raging storm and maybe it was a voice. Lavi kicked and tried desperately to stay above water. He had never been this terrified in his life, not even on a rainy day lying in a pool of his own blood.  
  
The brightest lightning he had ever seen blinded him for a moment and illuminated the huge wave right next to him. Time stood still for an endless moment and a feeling of pure dread overrun him.  
  
Then the wave hit him and he had no chance. He got dragged under water and only flashes of lightning came through the pitch blackness of the raging sea. He struggled and frantically tried to free his leg and get to the surface, but he got tossed around by waves and became helplessly lost. There was nothing more than darkness. Above him, underneath him, around him. His lungs screamed for air and his heart throbbed against his ribcage.  
  
Another lightning illuminated the sky and he caught a glimpse of his own pale hand, desperately reaching for the surface, which was so far away and suddenly a weird feeling of calm took hold of him.  
  
His movements grew weak and for another moment he levitated motionless in the dark sea, cradled by the storm, and he just knew that it was over. That he would die.  
  
Yuu, bathed in golden light, flashed through his mind and instead of warm skin and soft hair Lavi’s hand grasped into nothingness.  
  
Yuu disappeared and all that was left was darkness.


	8. Vulnerability

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> I'm back and brought chapter number 8 along.  
> One more to go after this one. I already finished a rough first draft of the last chapter and it's going to be quite long, I think about 15k words, so brace yourself for a long grand finale. It's going to come in about two weeks, I think.
> 
> Also I want to thank you once again for your support, hits, kudos and kind words! I enjoy sharing Grey Surges with you very much.
> 
> And feel free to pay me a visit on tumblr for headcanons and ficlets: https://a-q-d.tumblr.com/
> 
> I wish you a beautiful weekend!
> 
> Trigger warnings: hospitals, injuries and mentions of abusive relationships

The world stayed dark and foggy for a while, interrupted by short bright moments. The feeling of sand on his lips. The clatter of a gurney. Light above him. And finally a hand on his cheek.  
  
Lavi cracked open his eye and closed it immediately, because the world was too bright and his head ached.  
  
“Lavi.” The hand on his cheek started to move and Lavi blinked.  
  
“Gramps?” he whispered hoarsely and moved slightly, only to grimace in pain. Not only his head, but his whole body hurt. “What…?”  
  
“You’re in the hospital,” his great-great-uncle explained silently. Lavi’s eye slowly got used to the brightness and he examined him. The old man was very pale. “Do you remember what happened?”  
  
Lavi blinked slowly and then it dawned on him. The storm. A slippery stage. Ropes around his ankle. The dark sea around him. His breath hitched in his throat and he tried to sit up, what was apparently a mistake, because in the next second a wave of nausea hit him.  
  
“Lay back down.”  
  
The old man pushed him down and reached for a kidney dish, not a moment too soon. Lavi hung over the edge of the bed and gagged and coughed, his fingers curling into the linen. His great-great-uncle patted his back and heroically held the bowl until Lavi sank back down on the mattress. His throat hurt and he gratefully accepted a glass of water.  
  
“You have a concussion,” the old man explained and examined him with worry in his eyes. “You nearly drowned, my boy.”  
  
Lavi looked at him and pressed his lips together. _My boy_ , the last time the old man had called him like this had been right after his mother’s death. Lavi had lain for hours curled up under the kitchen table and the old man had sat next to him and held his hand. “Sorry,” he murmured, because he had no idea what to say. Then he faltered. “Yuu! Is he okay?”  
  
The old man nodded and Lavi exhaled in relief. “He has to rest, but he’s fine. I’m never going to say another word against him.” He leaned back and Lavi frowned slightly, before he understood. His throat started to feel tight.  
  
“He saved me,” he whispered softly and the old man nodded with a little smile. Lavi’s eye started to burn and he took a shaky breath. “Can I see him?” he croaked and wiped his face with the back of his hand. The old man handed him a handkerchief.  
  
“He has to rest,” he repeated. “He nearly drowned, like you. Give him a little rest. You can see him later. He’s here, in another room.”  
  
“Okay.” Lavi crumpled up the handkerchief in his trembling hand and nodded.  
  
“And you should rest, too. Try to sleep a little more.”

 

The next few days passed by in a haze. Lavi slept a lot and when he was awake he suffered from a persistent headache and nausea. The old man sat the whole time next to him and dabbed his forehead with a damp cloth.  
  
“He paid you a visit, while you were asleep.”  
  
Lavi looked in surprise at his great-great-uncle. He had asked after Yuu once more.  
  
“He was here?” he asked and sipped at his soup, even though he wasn’t hungry at all and his stomach rebelled. The old man nodded.  
  
“Yes. He didn’t want to wake you up, so he sat at your bed and I went for a walk.” He leaned back and examined Lavi, who softly frowned.  
  
“Where’s his room? I want to see after him.” Lavi sat slowly up and immediately felt dizzy. The old man held him back.  
  
“You’re confined to bed. You are going to get discharged in a few days. Until then you should rest and concentrate on your health,” he said sternly and frowned when Lavi handed him the cup of soup. “You should eat more.”  
  
“I don’t feel very good. I’m going to sleep for a while,” Lavi answered stiffly and turned away from him.

 

Lavi didn’t see Yuu even once until he got discharged. He stopped asking after him and in the night before he was allowed to go home, he lay awake and his stomach hurt, not only because of the concussion. Yuu got discharged at the same day and the old man offered driving them home.  
  
Lavi walked next to him through the corridor, slowly and carefully, because he still felt queasy, even though not remotely as bad as before. They didn’t talk with each other, because of Lavi’s concern about Yuu’s withdrawal and the fact that he saw himself for the first time since the accident in a mirror shortly before. The side of his face was slightly swollen and distinctly bruised. The sight made his skin crawl, because it reminded him of the aftermath of a bad fight with his ex-boyfriend. Lavi had stayed one week home back then, because he didn’t knew how to explain the bruises on his face.  
  
Nonetheless he brightened up as soon as he saw the well-known shock of dark hair in the hospital’s foyer. He started to run despite the old man’s protest and a feeling of dizziness. Yuu looked at him and turned a little towards him and Lavi threw his arms around him.  
  
“Yuu,” he whispered against his shoulder. “Yuu.” His voice got thin and Yuu’s cold hands moved slightly over his back. Lavi tightened his embrace, but stopped immediately, because Yuu flinched noticeably. “Sorry.” Lavi drew back and examined him. Yuu’s dark eyes wandered briefly over his face and then aside.  
  
“It’s fine,” he said and now Lavi noticed his pale face and the dark circles under his eyes, even worse than before. “Just a few bruises.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” Lavi repeated and tried to meet his eyes, but Yuu didn’t look at him. “Yuu?”  
  
“Let’s go home,” he said and exhaustion oozed out of his dark eyes. He started to move towards the exit and Lavi followed him after a moment.  
  
Soon they sat on the back seat of the old man’s car. The drive was very silent. Yuu stared out of the window and Lavi had no idea what to do, until he tentatively reached out and took his hand. He softly pressed his hand and after a moment Yuu intertwined their fingers. He still didn’t look at him, but Lavi’s heart nonetheless felt a little lighter.  
  
The old man examined them in the rear-view mirror. Of course he noticed the mute tension, but he stayed silent. He only started to talk to ask for directions and finally shortly before they reached their goal.  
  
“Lavi, do you feel sick? You’re pale.”  
  
Yuu turned his head quickly and for the first time he really looked at him. A deep frown appeared on his forehead. “Old man, pull over.”  
  
“No,” Lavi disagreed and closed his eye for a moment. “We’re nearly there. I just have to lie down later.”  
  
“Are you sure? The car is new, you know,” the old man said warily and Lavi snorted, but he didn’t answer, because opening his mouth didn’t seem to be the best idea.  
  
He unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the door as soon as they were there and even managed a few steps, before he lost his scarce breakfast. Yuu laid a hand on his back and the old man handed him a handkerchief and a bottle of water.  
  
“Do you feel dizzy?” he asked and Lavi slowly nodded.  
  
“A little,” he admitted and gasped in surprise, because Yuu put an arm around his back and the other one beneath his knees and lifted him up. “Wait, you’re hurt.”  
  
Yuu didn’t answer and started to walk, but Lavi noticed the pain in his narrowed eyes.  
  
“Yuu, let me down, you’re in pain,” he demanded, but his voice sounded everything but firm.  
  
“Lavi,” Yuu just answered through gritted teeth without looking at him and Lavi decided to shut up. He closed his eye and concentrated on his breathing, because his stomach felt like it would start to rebel once more any time. “Old man, the keys are under the doormat.”  
  
Lavi opened his eye and sighed. All flowerpots were broken. Somebody seemed to have cleaned up, because they were all piled up right next to the door. A single poppy petal clung to one of the windows, the only spot of red in the grey in grey of the clouded sky and sea.  
  
His great-great-uncle opened the door and Yuu carried Lavi to the bed, where he laid him down carefully. Then he leaned on the bedpost for a moment and held his side while taking deep breaths. He noticed Lavi’s gaze and casted his eyes down. “Just bruises. It’s fine. You should sleep for a while.”  
  
He left and Lavi lay alone on the bed and stared at the ceiling. His exhaustion was the only reason he as able to fall asleep.

 

It was already afternoon when he woke up. He slowly sat up and rubbed the unswollen side of his face. Then he got up and walked into the living room, after a short detour through the bathroom.  
  
The old man sat on the couch with one of Lavi’s books and looked up as soon as he came in. “How do you feel?” he asked and Lavi sat down next to him.  
  
“Kinda whacked, but better than before,” he answered and examined his great-great-uncle. “Where’s Yuu?”  
  
The old man sighed and laid the book down. “He sits on the beach and stares at the sea. For hours.”  
  
Lavi stretched and shot a glance out of the window and there he was. Yuu sat with the back to their little house and watched the sea, which was so much calmer than days before. “Are you staying tonight?” Lavi asked and looked away.  
  
The old man nodded. “Kanda offered me to stay a few days.”  
  
Lavi gave him a faint smile. “A little vacation at the shore, eh?”  
  
“Yes, it’s beautiful here. I can see why he lives here,” he answered and patted Lavi’s knee. “Are you hungry?”  
  
“No.” Lavi ruffled the hair on the back of his head and yawned, before he shot another glance at the window. “I’m gonna go and look after him, okay?”  
  
“Yes, do that.” The old man opened the book and went back to reading and Lavi got up. The sand under his feet felt soft and dry and Yuu turned around when he heard him.  
  
“Hey,” Lavi said and sat down next to him.  
  
“Hey,” Yuu answered evenly and looked back at the sea. He didn’t say more and Lavi had no idea what to say. His restless hands found a seashell and started to fidget with it. The sky was full of clouds, but the sea was calm. A soft breeze moved a loose strand of hair over Yuu’s cheek and Lavi hesitated before he reached out and tucked it behind his ear. Yuu’s dark eyes moved slightly, but didn’t look at him, a deep frown on his face.  
  
“Yuu?” Lavi asked cautiously and examined the seashell in his hand. “Is everything okay?”  
  
Yuu didn’t answer for a moment, until he took the seashell out of Lavi’s hand and turned it in his own, brushing his thumb over the rough surface. “I’m tired,” he finally answered and gave the seashell back to him. “I’m gonna cook and then go to bed early, okay?”  
  
“Yuu,” Lavi began, but he got up and went inside without looking back and Lavi stayed behind alone in the grey of sea and sky.

 

Dinner was silent and tense. Yuu sat at his desk and stared at his plate, while Lavi sat next to the old man and picked listlessly at his food. His great-great-uncle threw a glance from Yuu to Lavi and raised a brow but stayed silent.  
  
Yuu got up as soon as he was finished, put his plate aside and disappeared into the bedroom. Lavi waited another moment, before he put his plate down.  
  
“I think I’m gonna go to sleep, too. Do you have everything you need?” he asked his great-great-uncle, who nodded. “Do you need a pillow or something?”  
  
“Kanda already gave me one and a blanket. Go to sleep, you look exhausted.” He patted Lavi’s shoulder and got up to take care of the dishes. “Sleep tight.”  
  
“Good night.” Lavi smiled at him and followed Yuu, who sat on the bed and looked at him as soon as he opened the door. “Hey, Yuu,” he said softly and closed the door. Then he sat down next to him and examined him. “Do you want a tea or something?”  
  
“No, thank you,” he answered and wanted to get up, but Lavi laid a hand on his shoulder and the other one on his pale cheek and kissed him, his lips feeling tense under his own. Yuu didn’t pull away, but he also didn’t kiss back and when Lavi drew back he had a lump in his throat.  
  
“Yuu?” he asked softly. “Yuu, talk to me. What’s wrong?”  
  
Yuu casted his eyes down and wanted to say something, before he changed his mind and shook his head. “I’m gonna take a shower.”  
  
“Yuu, talk to me,” Lavi repeated and his eye started to burn. “Why do you avoid me?”  
  
He took his hand, but Yuu freed himself and got up and finally Lavi snapped. “Yuu, talk to me!” He paused and shot an unreadable glance at Lavi, before he shook his head a second time. Lavi got up and tried taking his hand once more, but Yuu evaded him and finally his eye spilled over. “Talk to me!” His own loud voice made him wince and it was very silent for a moment, until steps resonated from the living room. The old man left the little house and closed the door with a bang, probably to let them know he was leaving them alone. “Yuu?”  
  
“You fucking nearly died!” Yuu shouted, but fell silent immediately and took a step back. “No, I’m not gonna scream. I’m sorry. I’m not gonna…” He took a very deep breath and spoke on, this time a lot calmer. “Lavi, you nearly died.”  
  
“I know,” he hissed, on edge because of Yuu’s loud voice and his headache, and his own anger surprised him. “I was fucking there.”  
  
Yuu clenched his fists and gritted his teeth, but he didn’t scream. “I told you to stay back.”  
  
“I’m sorry, okay? Yuu, I’m sorry. The next time I will stay back and watch idle.” Lavi knew that he was childish and unfair, but he was hurt and his headache got worse and worse. He also started to feel nauseous. His voice was too loud and Yuu needed obviously all his mind not to shout back. Instead he just stared at him. His face was full of anger, but there was something different, hidden behind dark eyes and rage, his oldest friend. “Why the fuck don’t you just talk to me, instead of avoiding me for fucking days while I lie with a concussion in a hospital bed and agonize over what the hell is going on?” He wiped his face with the back of his hand and his anger disappeared as fast as it had emerged and all of a sudden he felt just so exhausted. “Why don’t you talk to me?” he asked silently and sat back down and his fingers started to fidget with the seam of his shirt.  
  
Yuu went to the bathroom and for a moment Lavi thought he was going to close the door behind him, but instead he came back and handed him some toilet paper.  
  
“Thank you.” Lavi wiped his face and blew his nose, before he looked up to Yuu, whose anger was also gone.  
  
“Lavi, you nearly died.” He took a step back and for a moment his barricade tottered. “You nearly died,” he repeated, this time much softer.  
  
“Like Alma,” Lavi answered and pain darted over Yuu’s face. He casted his eyes down and nodded slowly.  
  
“I can’t do that,” he admitted silently and sat down next to him. Lavi wanted to lay a hand on his shoulder, but he moved slightly aside and so he drew back. Instead he examined him with a frown.  
  
“I don’t understa-” Then it hit him. The crumpled toilet paper fell out of his hand and for a moment he had no words. “Do you want to- do you want to break up with me?”  
  
“No, I won’t,” Yuu answered immediately and started to massage his temple with narrowed eyes. Lavi relaxed a little and let out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “But… I want to.”  
  
“And run away?” Lavi asked and Yuu’s hand sank down and he slowly nodded.  
  
“Yes,” he whispered with sloped shoulders.  
  
Lavi picked up the tissue and wiped his face. “Why don’t you talk to me? I didn’t know what was wrong.”  
  
“Because I’m not like you,” Yuu said a little too cutting with a deep frown on his face. “I don’t cry and I don’t talk about my feelings and shit.” His dark eyes roamed restlessly through the room. “I live all alone in a secluded house at the shore. I work from home and spend days without talking to anybody. I never see my family. I’m running the whole time and when I’m not running then I plunge into the ocean and swim out as far as I can. I’m _not_ like you,” he repeated silently and looked up when Lavi took his hand. They locked eyes and Yuu pressed his fingers softly. “I’m not like that. I’m sorry.”  
  
“And now I’m here and I nearly died. Like Alma,” Lavi said and Yuu nodded.  
  
“It’s been five years and I can’t even watch a video of him without feeling like suffocating. And now it nearly happened again.” He rubbed exhaustedly his face and shot a look at Lavi. “Can you…” he stopped and shook his head.  
  
“What? What is it?” Lavi moved closer and this time Yuu didn’t moved away, but he shook his head once more.  
  
“No, nothing.” He intertwined their fingers and examined the bruises in Lavi’s face, before raising a hand, cool fingertips brushing over his cheek.  
  
“I know I nearly died, but I didn’t. Because you were there.“ Lavi took his face in his hands and his eye threatened to well over once more. “Yuu, you saved me.”  
  
“Of course I did.” Yuu’s eyes were very dark and very soft.  
  
“Gramps said you nearly drowned.” Lavi’s hands dropped and he wrapped his arms around Yuu, who returned his embrace tentatively. “Thank you so much.”  
  
Yuu drew back with a frown and shook his head. “Don’t. That goes without saying.”  
  
“Yuu, you jumped in the fucking rough sea to save my ass and nearly died,” Lavi replied firmly. “There’s no way I can ever repay that.”  
  
“Don’t talk like this,” he answered irritated and curled his cold fingers into Lavi’s back. “Don’t act like I did something heroic and shit. I didn’t just do that for you. I did it for you _and_ me.”  
  
“But-,” Lavi began, but Yuu interrupted him and his hands tightened around Lavi’s shoulders.  
  
“No. Stop that,” he said and let go of his shoulders, but only to cup his cheek. “Please.”  
  
“You’re so stubborn,” Lavi answered after a moment and smiled wryly at him. Yuu wanted to reply, but Lavi reached into his hair and kissed him. He stayed rigid for a moment, before he exhaled soundlessly in a huff and leaned into the kiss. It was soft and innocent and after a while Yuu tilted his head and his lips wandered to Lavi’s ear.  
  
“We should sleep. You’re so pale,” he whispered amidst warm breath, sending a shiver down Lavi’s spine and his eye fluttered shut. “Do you feel sick?“  
  
“A little,” Lavi replied and leaned against him. Yuu started to rub his back, but only until Lavi shifted his weight. He tensed up and Lavi drew back immediately. “Sorry, I forgot.”  
  
“It’s fine,” Yuu replied and took a deep and slow breath. Lavi’s hand crawled towards the hem of his shirt, but not under it.  
  
“Show me where you’re hurt,” he said softly and his fingertips brushed over the skin showing between shirt and pants.  
  
“Later. You’re really pale.” He caught his hands and gently pressed his fingers. “You go to sleep and I’ll go outside and get the old fart. It kinda looks like rain.”  
  
“Okay.” Both of them got up and Lavi pressed his lips once more in Yuu’s, before he went to the bathroom and Yuu outside. Lavi quickly brushed his teeth and changed into soft pants and a wide shirt and was already half asleep, when Yuu lay down next to him. “Can you put your arm around me?” he murmured tiredly without opening his eye and Yuu didn’t answer, but he moved closer until he lay right behind him and put his arm around his waist. Lavi shifted slightly back and towards Yuu’s warmth.  
  
It was silent for a long moment, before Yuu moved slightly and his lips brushed Lavi’s ear. “I’m sorry,” he whispered barely audible and Lavi blinked into the darkness, before he took his hand.  
  
“Just try to tell me next time, okay? I didn’t know that was wrong,” he answered, likewise silently and stroked slowly over the back of Yuu’s hand. “Or write me a note, if you can’t tell me. Just don’t leave me in limbo, okay?”  
  
“I’m sorry,” Yuu repeated, voice soft, and pulled him closer. “I… I try not to be… like this.”  
  
“I know,” Lavi answered gently and nudged their feet together. Yuu moved his legs, until Lavi’s cold feet were between his own warmer calves, but didn’t answer. Lavi clearly heard him swallowing hardly. “Yuu, no hard feelings. I love you.”  
  
“Thank you.” Yuu leaned his face against his nape and Lavi felt his lashes fluttering over his skin. “I love you, too.”

 

It was already noon when Lavi woke up to an empty house. He shot a look out of the window and to his surprise Yuu and his great-great-uncle sat next to each other with their backs to the house and watched the sea.  
  
He took a quick shower and prepared some tea. Afterwards he made a sandwich while the tea was steeping and finally left the small house balancing everything on a plate, because Yuu apparently didn’t own a tablet.  
  
A strong breeze blew in his face and Yuu and the old man didn’t hear him coming.  
  
“Finding him wasn’t the problem. He still had this fucking rope around his leg,” Yuu’s voice wafted over to him and Lavi paused. “Getting out was the problem.”  
  
“And how did you get out?” the old man asked and lit another cigarette.  
  
“The old hag ran off as soon as I tried to jump after him and got a lifebelt.” Yuu picked up a seashell and turned it in his hands. ”She was a lifeguard in her youth.”  
  
“Tried?” The old man took a pull on his cigarette and examined him.  
  
“Her granddaughter tried to stop me, but I kinda floored her.” He turned his head and then a little more after catching a glimpse out of the corner of his eye. He examined Lavi for a moment, before he got up to give him a hand with the cups of tea. “Morning.”  
  
“How do you feel?” the old man asked and patted the sand next to him. “Come here and sit down.”  
  
“Better,” Lavi answered and took a seat next to him. Yuu handed him and his great-great-uncle their cups and sat down on his other side, close enough that their legs were touching. “Keep talking.”  
  
But Yuu just shook his head, eyes softer than before, and took a sip of tea. “How’s your headache?”  
  
“Better,” Lavi repeated and took a bite of his sandwich. He shot Yuu an intent look, which he deliberately ignored. But he laid a hand on Lavi’s knee and after a short side glance he curled his fingers into the hollow of his knee. Lavi nearly choked on his sandwich and examined Yuu’s tense face with an unsure smile for a moment, before he decided to let himself in for this little game, because he didn’t miss the conscience-stricken restlessness in his eyes. “Stop tickling me.” Yuu exhaled slowly and did stop, but only after poking him a second time. “Why are you such a prick?” he asked and giggled. “I’m sensitive.” Yuu’s face loosened up, but only a little.  
  
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Yuu deadpanned, but there was a glint in his dark eyes, hardly visible behind reticence.  
  
“How debonair,” the old man commented and tapped the ash off his cigarette. “Are you always this lovely to each other?”  
  
“No,” Yuu said and reached out for Lavi’s foot, but he held it out of reach.  
  
“No, leave me alone.” He laughed and the old man rolled his eyes with a snort.  
  
“I’m not doing anything.” Yuu got up. “I have to make a phone call. See you later.” He didn’t leave without poking his side and walked off before Lavi could take revenge.  
  
Lavi laughed and noticed the old man examining him. “He’s a prick, but that’s okay, since he’s my prick.” He sipped of his tea with a smile. He was relieved, because Yuu clearly tried to make up for his behaviour.  
  
They sat next to each other in silence for a while and watched the sea, until the old man started to speak.  
  
“You were fighting yesterday, because he gave you the cold shoulder.” It wasn’t a question.  
  
“He wasn’t cold,” Lavi answered and his smile disappeared. “He was scared.”  
  
The old man frowned and looked at him in surprise. “Scared?”  
  
Lavi sighed and side-eyed him for a moment. “Loving someone makes you vulnerable and that’s something, that’s nearly unbearable for some people. Like Yuu.” He put his empty plate down. “You know what happened to Alma.” He emptied his tea and reached into his pocket to fidget with a piece of amber. “And now you stop talking like this about him.”  
  
“I’m just worried,” he disagreed and put his cigarette out. “You didn’t see each other for five years and now you already moved in.”  
  
“Gramps,” Lavi said irritated and pressed his lips together. “There is no reason to be worried. He’s wonderful and now we change the topic.”  
  
The old man wanted to say something, but he changed his mind and his face relaxed. “You just called him a prick.” His tone was less serious and Lavi knew that it was an olive branch. His irritation died down.  
  
“Yeah, but I also called him my prick.” Lavi stretched his legs and examined his great-great-uncle. “Do you want to do something today? We could drive to the town and get some food?”  
  
“No, just sitting at the sea is perfect,” he replied and patted Lavi’s knee. Then his face got more serious. “Can I ask something? About Alma?”  
  
Lavi shot him a look and wavered for a long moment. “Depends on the question,” he finally answered and the old man contemplated for a bit.  
  
“I’m just wondering… he left head over heels after the poor boy died. Were they…?” he asked unusually carefully and Lavi sighed silently.  
  
“A couple?” he asked and shook his head after the old man nodded. “No, they were close, but not in this way.” He pulled the piece of amber out of his pocket and examined it. “Alma was his best friend and…” He fell silent and looked at the old man with a soft frown. His head was always full of words, but he failed miserable at the try to describe what had been between Yuu and Alma. “Alma was… he was the most important person in Yuu’s life,” he explained slowly and watched the play of yellow and orange in his hands. “Yuu loved him very much and he still does, even after five years,” he explained and his voice was less firm than before, because the thought about how incredibly hurt Yuu was even after all these years nearly broke his heart. “This is all very hard for him, but he bears up so well.”  
  
“I see,” the old man answered and lit another cigarette. They didn’t talk and both of them dwelled on their own thoughts, in Lavi’s case how he could help Yuu to get closure, until Yuu opened the door.  
  
“Wanna eat?” he asked and Lavi smiled at him, before helping his great-great-uncle up. “Nothing special, don’t be so excited,” he added with a frown and Lavi snorted. “Just some stir-fry.”  
  
“His stir-fry is the best,” he said to the old man and together they went inside.

 

His great-great-uncle stayed for two more days, which consisted mainly of walks over the beach, sitting at the sea and a visit in the town to eat some fish. Lavi felt less queasy, but he still suffered from headache quite often.  
  
Yuu was still very withdrawn. Lavi saw it in his eyes, which were often everywhere but on him, but Yuu seemed to try to compensate with more body contact, maybe as an apology for his behaviour in the days right after the storm. A hand on Lavi’s hips, between his shoulder blades, on his waist. Tickling fingers in his neck, his side, beneath his knees. At night an arm around his waist, warm breath in his neck, another arm under his head. Lips on his cheek, on his forehead, on his wrist. Gentle touches on his bruises, the scratches on his arms and legs, the healing wound hidden under red hair.  
  
Lavi didn’t bring up the subject once more, because Yuu clearly didn’t want to talk about what had happened in the inky darkness of a raging storm, and just tried to be there, available, _alive_. And even though he knew that Yuu’s above-average need for body contact was a symptom of vulnerability, fear of loss and guilty conscience, he couldn’t stop himself from enjoying his attention.  
  
Yuu and the old man got along better than before, probably mainly because Yuu was the only reason Lavi was still alive and his great-great-uncle knew that. They still didn’t talk a lot and cut each other looks, but at least they didn’t quarrel with each other, besides from sharp remarks like _old fart_ and _impolite brat_.  
  
On the old man last night by the sea Lavi told him about his plans for the near future and even though he clearly noticed that he wasn’t very fond of the idea, he abstained from overly harsh critique. Yuu’s glare was probably one of the reasons for his moderate reaction.  
  
On the day he left, they ate Yuu’s delicious omelettes and afterwards they walked together to the old man’s car. Yuu carried his suitcase, until the old man stopped him.  
  
“Let’s say goodbye. I would like to go the last metres alone with Lavi,” he said and Lavi sighed soundlessly, because he assumed a bollocking, probably because of his plan to study linguistics. Yuu seemed to think the same and wanted to say something, but he noticed Lavi’s look and stayed silent. “Thank you for your hospitality.” He reached out and Yuu shook his hand.  
  
“No problem,” he answered curtly and shoved his hands into the pockets of his washed-out jeans. “Thank you for driving us home from the hospital.”  
  
“That goes without saying.” They examined each other for another moment, before Yuu stepped back.  
  
“Goodbye, I guess.” He shot a short look at Lavi, who smiled at him. “I’ll go ahead, okay?” Lavi nodded.  
  
“Goodbye,” the old man said and with a last nod Yuu turned around and walked back to their house. “Lavi.” He looked up to him.  
  
Lavi picked up the suitcase. “Yes?” he asked and smiled vacuously, because he could already imagine what would follow. To his surprise it was something completely different. “Does he make you happy?”  
  
Lavi faltered for a moment and looked in surprise at him, before he nodded. “Yes,” he answered and took the suitcase from one hand into the other. “It’s complicatedly and often not really easy, but yes, he makes me happy. As happy as I haven’t been in years.” He smiled at his great-great-uncle, who slowly nodded.  
  
“That’s good to hear.” He looked up to Lavi and smiled at him. “He’s impolite and rude and loves to aggravate me, but you’re so much more at ease since you live here,” he explained and sighed.  
  
Lavi snorted and ruffled the hair on the back of his head. “Yeah… and he stands up for me.”  
  
“Oh yes, he does,” the old man answered and started to laugh only a moment later. “ _Old fart_ , seriously.” Lavi joined in and it was relieving. “And now come here,” he added and hugged him. Lavi wrapped his arms around him and they stayed like this for a few moments, before they walked the last metres towards the old man’s car.  
  
They hugged each other once more and then Lavi waved until his car was out of sight.  
  
Yuu sat on the beach in front of the house and got up as soon as he saw Lavi.  
  
“Did he give you shit?” he asked with an impressive frown, which disappeared as soon as Lavi threw his arms around him and kissed him with a smile.  
  
“No, he didn’t,” he whispered against his lips and examined Yuu’s beautiful face. His hands wandered feather-lightly over Yuu’s sides. “Let’s go inside.”  
  
“And then?” Yuu asked silently and curled his fingers into Lavi’s shoulders.  
  
“Show me where you’re hurt.” Lavi gave him a short kiss on the lips and another one on his cheek.  
  
Yuu examined him for another long moment and a soft breeze moved his hair. A thin strand brushed over Lavi’s cheek and sent a shiver down his spine. Yuu stepped back and took his hand and together they went inside.  
  
They ended up on the bed and it was slow and soft. For the first time since the evening of the storm, on a blanket in the living room and bathed in golden light, it went beyond innocent touches and tickling fingers. They took their time, hands only exploring above clothes.  
  
Mouths on skin, wandering over necks and collarbones, gentle bites, blooms of red left behind by eager lips. Fingers dipping into shirts, curling against skin, soft scratches. Silent sounds lost between lips, whispers amidst warm breath, words tangled in hair.  
  
It was slow and soft and then it stopped, because Lavi pulled Yuu’s shirt over his head and faltered.  
  
“Yuu,” he whispered, voice silent and upset, and his fingers brushed over bruises in various shades of healing. Blue, red, yellow, all over his side and down his hip.  
  
“Lavi,” Yuu started, but fell silent when Lavi opened his belt and pulled his pants down to examine the rest of him. Yuu raised his hips to help him and frowned, when a silent sound escaped Lavi’s lips.  
  
“It’s fine,” he said calmly and Lavi looked up from a mess of blue and yellow on the side of his thigh. “The most of that happened when I slipped on this fucking stage.”  
  
“And the rest of it?” Lavi asked and Yuu examined him for a long moment, before he reached out and his thumb evened out the frown on his face.  
  
“While getting out of the water,” he answered reluctantly. “The wood was so slippery and when we finally got you out I fell back in another time and a wave pushed me against the stage.” He sat up and cupped Lavi’s cheek. “It’s not as bad as it looks.”  
  
Lavi leaned his face into the touch and groped for words. “That sounds terrible. And so scary.” He moved closer and took Yuu’s face into his hands.  
  
Yuu’s jaw tensed up and his eyes wandered over Lavi’s face, before he started to speak. “Terrifying, but…” He interrupted himself and his eyes were so soft. “I would do it again. Anytime.”  
  
Lavi took a shaky breath and Yuu moved closer and laid his hands on his upper arms. “No, don’t cry.” His hands crawled up and over his cheeks. “Lavi.”  
  
“Yuu,” he answered and wiped his face with his sleeve. “You can’t say something like that and then tell me not to cry.” He smiled teary-eyed at him and Yuu’s face relaxed a little.  
  
“Sorry, I guess,” he deadpanned and Lavi snorted. “Come here.” He pulled him closer and enfolded him in his arms. They lay back down, legs tangled and noses nearly touching, and there were just the two of them, enshrouded by the scent and sounds of the ocean.  
  
It was complicatedly and often not easy, but yes, he made Lavi happy. As happy as he hadn’t been in years.


	9. Closure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> This is it, the last chapter of Grey Surges. I want to thank you all once more, for all the kudos, comments and support! I enjoyed writing this story so much and had so much fun sharing it with you. (also I'm really proud because that's the first time I manage to finish a longer story). 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the last chapter!
> 
> trigger warnings: mild sexual content

A few days passed and Lavi suffered less often from headache. The bruises started to fade and finally he could shave without being bothered by memories of angry hands and shouts.  
  
Yuu was still withdrawn, but less than before. His sleep stayed restless and the nightmares started to occur more often, but he was a little less on edge, because he didn’t had to work. His sick leave was over and after a few more phone calls he informed Lavi that he took all his residual leave, which was still left from the previous year, and didn’t had to work for three more weeks. The break did him good, but his shoulders still felt tense under Lavi’s hands.  
  
Lavi lay sprawled out on the couch and read when Yuu stepped out of the bedroom. He only wore bathing shorts and Lavi peeked over his book at his athletic build. Yuu lost weight in the last weeks, but he was still as fit as the day he stepped out of the sea and back into Lavi’s life.  
  
“Nice,” he commented with a grin and Yuu rolled his eyes, but Lavi noticed the smug glint hidden behind lashes. He sat down right next to Lavi, put an arm around him and pulled him close. Lavi dropped the book and wrapped his arms around his neck. The bruises on Yuu’s body were still visible, but they faded and hurt a lot less than before. “Wanna go for a swim?” he asked and smoothed his hands over Yuu’s broad shoulders.  
  
Yuu examined him and started to play with his hair. “Yeah,” he said. “And I want you to tag along.”  
  
The smile on Lavi’s face flickered. “I’m reading,” he answered elusively and knew that Yuu wasn’t buying it.  
  
“Come along,” he repeated and his thumb brushed over Lavi’s cheek. “You didn’t even dip your feet into the ocean since the storm.”  
  
Lavi’s smile finally disappeared and he casted his eye down, but Yuu laid a hand under his chin and examined at him. “You noticed that?” He nodded and stroked over his bottom lip. Lavi looked up and into his eyes and sighed. “I’m scared,” he admitted silently.  
  
“I know,” Yuu answered softly and Lavi leaned into the embrace, until their noses nearly touched. “Come along. I’m gonna be the whole time right next to you.”  
  
He sighed and contemplated for a long moment. Yuu was right. Avoidance wouldn’t solve the problem, but the mere idea of swimming in the ocean reminded him of the inky blackness of the raging storm “But only up to the waist,” he gave in and Yuu nodded.  
  
“Okay, then come.” He got up and pulled Lavi with him.  
  
“Now?” he asked surprised and Yuu nodded.  
  
“Yes, now, before you change your mind.”  
  
The sea was serene and the sky clear and blue. Lavi’s heart raced, but he stepped bravely into the ocean, but only to stop as soon as the water reached his knees. Yuu examined him calmly and gently squeezed his hand. They didn’t talk and Lavi took a deep breath, before he started to move.  
  
In the end they stopped when the water reached the middle of his thighs and Yuu let go of his clammy hand, but only to close his arms around him. Lavi returned the embrace immediately and leaned his face against Yuu’s shoulder. Seafoam and small waves washed around them and a soft breeze played with Yuu’s ponytail. Lavi tangled his hand into the dark strands and closed his eye. Yuu was as solid as a rock in his arms and his heart throbbed a little less hard against his ribcage. Yuu seemed to feel it, because he drew back to examine Lavi.  
  
“Wanna brave it out? Or enough for today?” he asked and the tips of Lavi’s fingers slowly stroked over his cheek and curled back into his hair.  
  
“Enough for today,” he answered and Yuu nodded. “This is for you also the first time in the ocean since the storm, right?”  
  
“Yes.” Yuu examined the sea and frowned with narrowed eyes. “Fuck it, I’m gonna ride it out.” He squeezed Lavi’s hips and looked at him. “Want me to accompany you first?”  
  
Lavi shook his head with a smile and stepped back. “Go for it,” he said and so Yuu did.  
  
He plunged into the sea, even though the hard line of his mouth spoke volumes. Lavi waded back to the beach and wrapped the towel around himself, before he sat down and watched Yuu powering though it. He swam and swam until his limbs had to feel like lead and finally he stepped out of the sea and sat down next to Lavi. His face was more relaxed than before.  
  
“Tired?” Lavi asked and touched his thigh. His skin felt cold under his hands.  
  
“A little.” Yuu caught his hand and intertwined their fingers. “Wanna take a shower?”  
  
Lavi nodded with a smile and together they went inside.

 

Later that day somebody knocked at their door and Lavi got up to open. Yuu, who took care of the laundry, peeked out the bathroom.  
“Who is it?”  
  
Lavi had barely opened the door when somebody threw their arms around him.  
  
“Young man!” It was the landlady and Lavi was surprised for a moment, but then he returned the hug, mainly because the old lady looked like she would burst into tears any moment. “Young man, I’m so sorry.”  
  
“Grandma, let him at least open the door beforehand.” Her granddaughter smiled at Lavi. “How do you feel?”  
  
Lavi smiled back and thought for a moment about inviting them inside, but Yuu came out of the bathroom and the heavy sound of his steps alone announced an impending explosion. “How about we talk outside?” he said quickly, shoved the old lady out and shut the door in Yuu’s face.  
  
Yuu opened the door only a moment later and his glare would have made Lavi uneasy if it wouldn’t have been directed at his landlady. “You,” he growled, but Lavi stepped between them and laid a hand on his shoulder.  
  
“Yuu, please,” he said softly and Yuu looked at him for a long moment, before he gritted his teeth and went back inside, but not without closing the door with a bang. Lavi turned towards their guests and smiled awkwardly.  
  
The landlady sighed. “He has every right to be furious. Both of you nearly drowned,” she said full of remorse and laid a hand on his arm. “I want to apologize. I’m very sorry.”  
  
Lavi smiled at her and nodded. “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”  
  
“Thank you.” She patted his arm and smiled at him. “I would have come earlier, but your grandfather suggested giving you some rest.”  
  
“You talked to gramps?” Lavi asked surprised and the granddaughter nodded.  
  
“We were in the hospital and wanted to visit both of you,” she explained. “He said you had a concussion. Do you feel better?”  
  
“I have a hardhead, don’t worry,” he replied with a grin and both of them laughed. The landlady examined him for a moment and then she nudged her granddaughter with her elbow.  
  
“He’s charming, I told you. Anja is single, you know,” she now said to Lavi, who had to bite back laughter.  
  
“Grandma!” the granddaughter, Anja, said scandalized. “Stop it.”  
  
“I’m just saying.” The old lady shrugged. “He’s a good catch.”  
  
“Grandma, it’s not like I need your help to find a man and seriously…” She stopped and looked at the small house. “He and Kanda live together.”  
  
“Yes, he’s his intern,” she answered casually and her granddaughter stared at her for a moment, before she looked long-suffering at Lavi, who now really laughed.  
  
“Grandma. They live together. In a small house. With one bedroom.” She gesticulated wildly and her grandmother looked puzzled at her for a moment, until it dawned on her.  
  
“Oh my,” she said. “Oh my.” Then she scrutinized Lavi with narrowed eyes. “It’s because of the curmudgeon’s pretty face, isn’t it?”  
  
Lavi burst out in laughter, not only because of the shameless old lady but mainly because of the horrified look of her granddaughter.  
  
“Grandma!” Anja was bright red and Lavi laid a hand on her arm.  
  
“It’s fine,” he said, still laughing. “She reminds me of my great-great-uncle.”  
  
“You’re way too nice.” She shook her head and smiled embarrassedly. “I’m so sorry.”  
  
“It’s fine,” he repeated and wanted to add something, but both the old lady and her granddaughter looked past him. Yuu had opened the door once more and walked towards them. He looked calmer than before, but still shot a sullen glare at the old lady. “Yuu,” Lavi said softly and examined him questioningly.  
  
“Anja, I want to apologize for flooring you on this fucking stage,” he said bluntly and laid a warm hand on the small of Lavi’s back.  
  
She smiled at him and shook her head. “No, it’s fine. You were scared for him.”  
  
“Kanda,” the old lady started and his jaw tensed up. “I want to apologize.” He took a very deep breath, gritting his teeth once more, and Lavi and Anja locked eyes for a second, before both of them started to speak.  
  
“Let’s talk about that another time, okay, grandma?”  
  
“Let’s go back inside, Yuu.”  
  
And so they separated and Yuu looked less tense as soon as they closed the door behind them. Lavi wrapped his arms around him and leaned against him. “Please try to calm down, okay?”  
  
“Sorry,” he answered a little reluctantly and laid his hands on Lavi’s hips. “I’m just so… you nearly died. Because of this fucking boat.”  
  
“I know,” he answered and rubbed his back. “Sorry for shutting the door in your face.”  
  
“It’s fine.” They stayed like this for another long moment, then Lavi drew back and examined him.  
  
“How about some noodles for dinner and going to bed early? You look tired.” He smiled at him and Yuu nodded.  
  
“Okay,” he said and closed his hand around Lavi’s.

 

A few days passed and Lavi woke up every night to an empty bed and dim light in the living room. He contemplated for days and finally he decided to suggest his idea.  
  
“Yuu?” he said softly and Yuu stirred next to him. He rolled in one fluent motion on top of Lavi and his fingers found their way into his hair.  
  
“Round two?” he asked and his lips brushed Lavi’s ear. A shiver wandered over his whole body and just saying yes was more than inviting. Especially with a stark naked Yuu on top of him.  
  
“Can we talk about something?” Lavi resisted the temptation and Yuu examined him with a soft frown.  
  
“Is something wrong?” he asked and moved aside until he lay next to him.  
  
“No.” Lavi shook his head and started to fumble with a corner of his pillow. “I was just thinking about… about Alma.”  
  
Yuu’s jaw tensed up and Lavi reached out to knead his neck. Yuu didn’t say anything, but he relaxed, though only minimally.  
  
“You weren’t on the funeral, because you left beforehand,” he spoke on and Yuu examined him warily. “And, you know, I thought that you never really had the chance to say goodbye.”  
  
“I had to identify his body,” Yuu answered brusquely and sat up. “I didn’t need a funeral after that.” He wanted to get up, but Lavi laid his hands on his shoulders.  
  
“Yuu, please listen,” he requested softly and Yuu faltered for a moment, before he sighed and stayed.  
  
“I don’t know what you want from me,” he said irritated and looked at Lavi. “Why are you talking about that all of a sudden?”  
  
“Because I thought that saying goodbye could be a good idea,” he answered and moved a little closer. His hands stroked over Yuu’s arms and down to his hands.  
  
Yuu’s eyes stayed hard. “No.”  
  
Lavi intertwined their fingers and examined him for a moment. “I did that after my mom died and it helped,” he explained. Yuu’s frown softened a little and his dark eyes wandered over Lavi’s face and then down to their joined hands.  
  
“Yes?” he asked and Lavi nodded.  
  
“I wasn’t on the funeral, because I was still a child and terrified of the idea of seeing the coffin. After a while I started to feel bad about it and someday I told gramps. He thought about it and suggested saying goodbye and so we did.” He let go of one hand and reached into Yuu’s hair, his thumb brushing over the line of his neck. “I just want you to think about it. We don’t have to do it. But maybe it would help.”  
  
Yuu didn’t answer and also didn’t look at him. The hand Lavi was holding moved slightly and after a while he cleared his throat. “I want to change the subject.”  
  
“Okay.” Lavi smiled at him and finally Yuu looked up. “Round two?”  
  
“Round two,” he answered and Lavi’s back hit the mattress.

 

They didn’t broach the topic a second time in the next few days. Instead they approached another problem: Lavi and the ocean.  
  
Yuu was at the same time relentless and reassuring and each day they went in a little further, until Lavi clung on a rainy day to Yuu, who kept them at the surface. It was quit windy and the waves small, but his heart was racing nonetheless.  
  
“Fuck this shit.” Lavi’s teeth were clattering, not only due to the cold water, and Yuu rubbed his back. “Fuck everything of this.” A wave hit them and he got a bit of water in his face, not much, but still enough to press his nails into Yuu’s back.  
  
Yuu examined him. “You’re doing well,” he said and his voice was as warm as his hands. Lavi looked at him and smiled tentatively.  
  
“Only, because you’re there,” he answered and nestled up to him. Yuu’s moving legs brushed his own and he inhaled deeply. Salt, soap and tea. “I saw you, you know.” His mouth was faster than his brain and he clearly heard the frown in Yuu’s voice.  
  
“What?” Lavi drew a little back and they locked eyes.  
  
“Underwater,” he explained. “I saw you. Before I passed out.” His eye wandered aside and to the beach, which was so much more inviting than the grey sea.  
  
“When I came for you?” Yuu asked and his hands moved over Lavi’s back down to his hips, which he gently squeezed. Lavi shook his head and examined him for a moment.  
  
“Not like that. More… like we lay in the living room. Kinda golden,” he answered and started to laugh, because Yuu’s face got a little bewildered. “Because of the candlelight.”  
  
Yuu stared at him, before he softly frowned. “I forget sometimes how hard you hit your head.” He snorted and Lavi gasped in mocked indignation.  
  
“How dare you,” he said and laughed. Yuu pulled him closer and Lavi felt so secure and warm in his embrace. His heart slowly started to calm down.  
  
“Really?” Yuu asked after a moment and Lavi nodded against his shoulder.  
  
“It was… it was kinda nice. Like my brain tried to show me a last positive thing, before…” he fell silent, because he felt how Yuu tensed up. “Sorry.”  
  
“I’m…” Yuu took a deep breath. “I’m just so relieved that…” His voice died down.  
  
“I know. Me too,” Lavi answered softly and drew back to kiss him. “I love you so much.”  
  
“I love you, too.” Yuu’s voice was lost between lips and waves and they stayed, until Lavi felt less antsy and calmer, before they swam back to the beach.

 

Lavi lay prone on the bed and read, when Yuu came in and lay down in a fluent motion right next to him. His loose hair pooled around his head and Lavi abandoned his book to run his hands through the silky strands.  
  
“Hey there,” he said with his most charming smile, but got serious when he saw Yuu’s face, examining him contemplatively with a soft frown on his face. “What is it?” Lavi asked and traced the line of his cheekbone.  
  
Yuu opened his mouth and closed it after a moment, before he turned over onto his back and looked up to the ceiling. He was silent for a few seconds until he started to speak, voice and eyes cautious. “How… how did you do that? Saying goodbye?”  
  
Lavi mirrored his pose and examined the ceiling, still not a single cobweb. “We went to mom’s favourite place, the forest behind gramps’ old house. We lit a candle and…” Lavi took a deep breath and blinked. “Gramps read a short part of her favourite book and I told her that I loved and missed her very much.” He wiped his face with his sleeve and regained his composure quickly. “I also wrote her a letter beforehand and burned it. It was nice to say goodbye to her.”  
  
It was silent for a while, until Yuu inhaled deeply. “Did you feel better afterwards?” he asked stiffly and Lavi smiled.  
  
“Yeah, kinda… relieved, you know?” he answered and Yuu nodded slowly. Then he got up.  
  
“I’ll go for a walk,” he said and Lavi nodded.  
  
Later that night Yuu didn’t went to bed with him. Instead he took a stack of paper out of his printer, sat down at his desk and wrote. Lavi lay in bed and listened to the scratching of the pen and the crumpling up of discarded drafts, until he fell asleep.

 

A few days passed and Lavi emptied the wastebasket next to Yuu’s desk two times, until Yuu finally broached the subject a second time.  
  
“I… I’m going to hate it, but let’s do it,” he said on a sunny afternoon and Lavi looked up from his book.  
  
“Okay.” He got up and Yuu watched him with a frown crawling under the bed.  
  
“The fuck are you doing?” he asked and Lavi emerged with dust bunnies in his hair. He held up a little box. “What’s that?”  
  
“A water lantern,” he answered. “I saw it online a few days before we talked about my idea and ordered it. It was delivered to your landlady and I got it when you went for a run.” He sat down on the bed and examined Yuu. “We don’t have to use it, but I thought it could be a nice idea.”  
  
Yuu examined him for a long moment, until he nodded. “Sounds… not bad, I think.” He casted his eyes down and exhaled slowly. “Let’s do it tonight. Before I change my mind.”  
  
“Okay.” Lavi smiled at him and got up. “Your landlady’s boat was retrieved by the sea rescue and is already repaired. I could call her and ask her to lend it to us tonight. Would you like that?”  
  
Yuu examined the water lantern for another moment, before he nodded. “Thank you.”  
  
“You’re welcome, my love,” Lavi replied and laughed, when Yuu raised a brow. “What?”  
  
“Stop being so corny,” he answered and got up. He walked past Lavi, not without brushing his fingers over the skin showing between pants and shirt. Lavi caught his hand and kissed him. Yuu’s body and his lips were tense and Lavi drew back to examine him.  
  
“Everything is going to be alright,” he said softly and Yuu nodded slowly, before he handed Lavi the receiver and left the house for a walk.

 

The night was clear and full of stars. The moon was hidden behind the horizon, while the Milky Way loomed palely over the dark blue sky. The air was crisp and it would have been a beautiful night, had it not been for Yuu’s heavy eyes and steps. They walked together through the darkness, the dry sand only illuminated by the flashlight in Lavi’s hand.  
  
He had talked with the landlady, who had promised to stay in her house and give them the time they needed. Yuu’s cold fingers were clutched around the letter, long and neatly written. Lavi carried the water lantern in his other hand and a box of matches.  
  
They stopped in front of the stage, which was repaired like the boat, and looked a lot sturdier than before. The wood was dark and not yet bleached by sun and felt smooth under Lavi’s feet. He felt Yuu looking at him more than he saw it in the darkness and turned his head. They locked eyes and the reflection of stars in Yuu’s dark eyes caused affection to swirl warmly somewhere under his heart. Lavi held his hand out and after a moment Yuu took it. Together they walked in silence over the stage.  
  
The sea was serene and sprinkled with the stars’ reflections. They stopped in front of the boat, which was freshly painted and pristinely white. Yuu stepped inside and Lavi waited until his hands closed around his waist and laughed when he lifted him with difficulty into the boat.  
  
“I’ve gotten kinda too heavy for that, haven’t I?” he asked smilingly, but Yuu only nodded. His hands felt cold and a little clammy and Lavi curled his own fingers around them after they sat down. His thumbs stroked over the back of Yuu’s hands and they stayed like this for a few seconds, until he drew back and undid the rope. He didn’t start the engine, instead he took the oars and they started to move.  
  
Lavi reached out and the tips of his fingers touched the cool surface of the dark sea, which looked so much less fear-inducing than in the night, which had nearly been his last one. Yuu didn’t row for long, when he stopped the stage was still visible in the glow of Lavi’s flashlight. Soft waves moved them and Lavi heard Yuu’s sigh.  
  
He moved slightly and turned the letter in his hands. Lavi handed him the water lantern and the matches and Yuu took them without a word. A few seconds passed, before he stirred once more and started to speak.  
  
“I can’t.” His voice was fraught and Lavi blindly nudged their feet together. “Not in front of you,” he added after a moment and Lavi hooked one of his feet behind Yuu’s ankle.  
  
“Okay, then let’s row back and I wait on the stage, okay?” he offered and Yuu’s nodded. He took the oars and they moved back. Lavi watched the play of the flashlight’s reflection on the sea until they reached the stage. He got up and smiled, because Yuu did the same and held his hand until both of his feet were on the stage. Lavi handed him the flashlight and sat down. “I’ll wait here for you.” He smiled encouragingly at him and added, “Take your time.”  
  
Yuu nodded, pale in the glow of the flashlight, and started to row without answering. Lavi moved until he was cross-legged and tilted his head back to examine the night sky. Yuu, now farer away, switched off the light and was swallowed by velvety darkness.  
  
It was silent for a long time and Lavi’s eye became adjusted to the darkness. He could see more and more stars and the Milky Way got brighter. The reflection of the night sky in the smooth sea gave him the feeling to be lost somewhere, far away and between the stars. The boat was a dark spot in some distance and finally Yuu started to talk.  
  
His voice was barely audible, but loud enough for Lavi to notice that he was speaking Chinese, Alma’s mother tongue. Lavi had learned a little Japanese in their school days, not enough for a real conversation, but enough for Yuu to acknowledge his efforts and for Lavi’s cheeks to rose, because of the look Yuu had given him. But Chinese had been Yuu’s and Alma’s language for topics nobody was supposed to hear. Lavi had always liked the sound of the language. Soft vowels wafted over the calm sea, lost between stars.  
  
After a while Lavi saw the first lit match devouring a page of the letter. And then another, another, another. Red and orange glowing sparks danced through the air and disappeared in the dark sea. The scent of burning paper and grief touched Lavi’s nose and he sighed soundlessly.  
  
Sometime later the last page was burned and finally the water lantern slowly wandered over the water, a soft warm glow. The lantern floated out to the sea and the light got smaller and smaller until it was finally swallowed by a wave and ceased.  
  
It took Yuu another while until he was ready and rowed back to the stage. Lavi got up and waited for him. “How do you feel?” he asked gently and Yuu stepped onto the stage and tied the boat down.  
  
“Fine,” he answered, voice cutting, and Lavi fell silent. Yuu strode past him and Lavi followed him after a moment. He caught up to him at the end of the stage and in silence they walked back to the house. Yuu’s steps were angular and his breath strained.  
  
“Yuu?” Lavi asked softly, when they nearly had reached the house, and he stopped, a few metres away from him. Yuu took a very deep breath, but stayed silent. “Yuu?”  
  
“Lavi,” Yuu rasped out, voice stretched to breaking point. He opened the door and stepped inside and Lavi followed him with a soft frown.  
  
Yuu didn’t cry, but his jaw was working and his eyes were reddened. Lavi examined him and stepped closer. “Yuu, it’s fine,” he said, voice even softer than before, and Yuu froze for a moment, before he did another step. “Yuu, you will feel better afterwards, I’m sure.”  
  
“I can’t!” Yuu finally snapped, voice too loud, and Lavi did a step back. Yuu faltered and swallowed hardly. “I’m sorry,” he murmured, eyes jumping from Lavi’s face to the floor.  
  
“It’s fine,” Lavi answered, relieved that his voice was calmer.  
  
“No, it’s not. I promised to never scream at you again and this was the second time. I’m sorry,” Yuu spoke on and shoved his antsy hand into his pockets. “I just… I can’t.”  
  
“Okay,” Lavi replied and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “What do you need?”  
  
“I… I don’t know,” he answered silently and looked everywhere but at Lavi. “I’ll go for a walk, I think.” He disappeared back outside and Lavi looked after him until he was swallowed by darkness.  
  
The rest of the night was rest- and sleepless. Yuu wasn’t gone for long. Afterwards he did the laundry and the dishes. Then he swept and mopped. Later he cleaned the windows and dusted every single surface.  
  
Lavi lay in the bedroom and stared at the ceiling, until Yuu shooed him aside to put fresh linen on the bed. His hands and eyes were uneasy and Lavi just wanted to wrap his arms round him, but he didn’t.  
  
“Can I do something?” he finally asked. He leaned against the wall next to the bed and Yuu hesitated for a moment.  
  
His dark eyes jumped over Lavi’s face and then down his body. He didn’t say anything, but Lavi understood and stepped closer. “Come here,” he said and Yuu did. For a moment they just looked at each other, until Lavi reached out and his cool fingers smoothed out the sharp lines between his brows. Then his mouth was on Yuu’s and his ice cold fingers curled into Lavi’s shoulders.  
  
Yuu’s hands, his mouth, his body were frantic and less gentle than usually and Lavi knew that he was running. From grief, goodbyes and tears. He didn’t look him in the eye. Movements urgently, eyes hounded, hands holding him tight like a lifebelt. And Lavi gave his best to clear the chaos in his head, to dash anguish away, using hands and mouth, sucking blooms of red into skin, raking nails over his back.  
  
Yuu faltered, when Lavi inhaled sharply a few minutes later. Their clothes lay on the floor in a messy pile Yuu would surely clean up later. His eyes, a little too wide, snapped up and he looked with a frown at Lavi.  
  
“Just a little slower, okay?” Lavi asked and Yuu’s frown deepened.  
  
“I’m hurting you,” he said silently and wanted to draw back, but Lavi hooked his legs around him.  
  
“Stay.” He took a deep breath and smiled at him, but Yuu’s frown didn’t disappear. “Just gimme a moment and go a little slower.”  
  
“I’m hurting you,” he repeated and closed his hands around Lavi’s legs to free himself. “Lavi, I’m sorry.” Then he drew back and his hands smoothed over Lavi’s thighs. “Why didn’t you say anything?”  
  
“I just want you to go a little slower,” Lavi replied and sat up. “Come here. Let me take care of you,” he whispered and took his hand to pull him close, but Yuu shook his head and got up.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he said once more, breath going too fast. His eyes flitted over Lavi and then to the window. “I’ll… I’ll go for a run or something. Or another walk, I don’t know.” He picked up his clothes with fidgety hands and went, no, fled into the living room and Lavi looked after him with a soft frown.  
  
He stayed on the bed for another minute, until the door closed behind Yuu and then he got up and took a lackluster shower, before slipping back into his clothes. He reached for his book and started to read, even though he could barely concentrate.  
  
Yuu desperately tried to contain himself, to not lose control, not even for a moment. Lavi remembered his words, the day both of them were discharged from the hospital. _I’m running the whole time and when I’m not running then I plunge into the ocean and swim out as far as I can_. Yuu ran for five years, as fast as he could and at any sacrifices. He had left everything behind, his family, his friends, Lavi, and had started a new life, far away and all alone in a small house at the sea, the only reminder of the severest loss of his life a single photo in the bedroom.  
  
Lavi turned over onto his side and sighed soundlessly. Yuu had jumped after him into a raging storm and had nearly died saving him. Afterwards he didn’t even want to hear Lavi’s gratitude and that was just the way he was. Very brave, very fearless and at the same time so desperately terrified to open his barricade, to leave out what was rioting behind his eyes, after festering for years. Lavi wanted to help him, to hold him, but even when Yuu was right in his arms, he was out of reach.  
  
After a while Lavi started to pace through their little house, their hideaway, and when Yuu was after more than an hour still not back, Lavi took the spare flashlight out of the kitchen cabinet and went out to look after him. He didn’t need long to find him, he clearly heard him coughing somewhere in the direction of the dunes.  
  
“Are you fine?” he asked and walked quickly towards him and nearly stumbled over a piece of driftwood. Yuu stopped retching and waved his hand with a last cough.  
  
“I’m fine,” he answered raspy and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “I just shouldn’t have gone for a run without eating supper.”  
  
Lavi laid a hand on his clammy back. “Do you feel dizzy?” he asked and Yuu shook his head.  
  
“I’m fine,” he repeated, even though he was pale, sweaty and swayed a little. He wanted to brush past Lavi, but he wrapped an arm around his waist.  
  
“Come,” he said softly. “Let’s get you inside.”  
  
“I’m fine,” he insisted once more, but Lavi just pulled him with him and towards their home. They walked in silence next to each other and Yuu disappeared as soon as they were inside into the bathroom.  
  
Lavi sat down on the edge of the bed and waited, until Yuu opened the door, hair wet and wearing nothing more than a towel around his hips.  
  
“Still feeling queasy?” Lavi asked worriedly and got up to get him fresh clothes.  
  
“I’m fine,” Yuu replied, but both of them knew that nothing was fine. His eyes were as restless as before, roaming through the room. Lavi stopped in front of him and handed him fresh clothes, before he reached out and touched his cheek. Yuu looked at him with a frown, before his eyes flitted aside. Lavi’s thumb brushed over his lower lashes and he didn’t miss how hard Yuu swallowed.  
  
“How about a snack? And then you go to bed with me,” he suggested softly and the tension in Yuu’s body threatened to well up in his eyes for a moment, but then he started to blink and stepped back.  
  
“Go to bed, Lavi,” he only said, voice less firm than usual, and walked back into the bathroom to change.  
  
Lavi sighed soundlessly and in the end he did as he was told, because Yuu clearly wanted to be alone. He didn’t went to bed with Lavi, instead he cleaned the already spotless living room once more, then the bathroom and afterwards he started to sort the books in the shelves, just to give his uneasy hands something to do, and finally Lavi fell asleep.  
  
But not for long. When he woke up, it was still dark, but the sky already started to lighten. Yuu didn’t lie next to him and Lavi noticed the missing photo on the wall. He lay there for a while and examined the empty spot next to the smiles of two mothers, died to young, and then he got up.  
  
His naked feet were nearly soundless on the wooden floor and when he peeked into the living room his heart started to ache.  
  
Yuu sat on the couch, Alma’s photo in his hands, shrouded by grief and exhaustion, and looked up to Lavi. Anguish ran over his cheeks and dropped from his chin, disappearing between the stitches of his worn-out cardigan. Lavi hesitated for a moment, before he stepped closer and stopped in the middle of the living room.  
  
“Yuu,” he said gently and started to play with the hem of his shirt. “May I sit here with you for a while?” he asked and Yuu examined him for a moment until he wiped his face with the back of his hand and moved over a little. Lavi sat down next to him without touching him and looked at his sloped shoulders.  
  
“I miss him so much.” Yuu’s voice was very silent and he sounded defeated, thoroughly defeated.  
  
“I’m so sorry,” Lavi said likewise silently and finally Yuu’s barricade opened. He fought tooth and nail against the tears, but to no avail. He laid a hand over his face, curled his body around the photo of Alma’s blinding smile and cried.  
  
Lavi pressed his lips together and looked at him, shoulders and breath shaking, finally falling apart after years of holding together and running, without ever slowing down, not even a second. He laid a hand on Yuu’s shoulder and wanted to move closer to comfort him, but Yuu flinched. “Please don’t,” he croaked and wiped his face with his sleeve. “Lavi, I can’t.”  
  
“Sorry.” Lavi made room for him and examined him with a lump in his throat. “I’ll just stay here with you, okay?”  
  
Yuu nodded without looking at him and hid his face behind his drawn up knees.  
  
Pain, grief and sorrow spilled out of him after being bottled up for so long. Lavi just sat next to him, cried with him and watched the sky getting lighter and lighter in soft hues of yellow and rose.  
  
They went to bed when Yuu’s breath was a little calmer and lay next to each other without touching, Yuu on his back, Alma’s photo still on his chest, Lavi on his side, examining him. Soft grey morning light crawled through the curtains.  
  
Yuu raised the photo to look at it, before closing his eyes for a moment. “It’s just so unfair,” he whispered, voice husky and pained, and Lavi nodded.  
  
“Yes, it is,” he answered and Yuu looked at him, eyes reddened, face twisted in misery. The sight nearly broke Lavi’s heart.  
  
“It’s so unfair,” he repeated with a thin voice. Lavi inhaled shakily and nodded. Yuu looked at him for another long moment and finally he started to move towards him, even though it was visibly difficult for him. Lavi took him in his arms and Yuu lay stiff in his embrace, fingers fidgeting with his shirt, breath strained. Lavi hesitated and moved slightly, before he started to speak.  
  
“From now on it’s going to go uphill. I’m sure.” He touched the back of Yuu’s head and his cold fingers paused.  
  
“And if not?” he asked after a moment. “Lavi, I’m… I’m so tired of being like this,” he whispered and looked up to him.  
  
“I know,” Lavi answered likewise silently and inhaled shakily. “I’m so sorry, Yuu.”  
  
Yuu wanted to reply something, but the words didn’t want to leave his lips and then he cried against the crook of Lavi’s neck, like it had happened so often before in reverse roles. Lavi laid a hand between his shoulder blades and curled his body around him. He just wanted to keep everything away, sadness and mourning, but grey surges kept sloshing over both of them and flowed through his fingers.  
  
Yuu threatened to drown in the torrents of his personal tragedy and Lavi gave his best to keep him at the surface.

 

They stayed the whole day in bed. Yuu couldn’t fall asleep without jolting awake only minutes later and so Lavi stayed awake, too, even though Yuu told him repeatedly that he didn’t need to. They just lay next to each other and after a while Lavi started to talk.  
  
“Was that the first time you cried since Alma died?” he asked cautiously and Yuu stirred next to him. He lay with his back to Lavi, whose hand slowly wandered up and down his spine.  
  
“The second time,” he answered after a moment, voice less firm than usually. “The first time was right after I had to identify him, in the fucking restroom of the hospital. But not long, since I had to take care of his grandfather.” He was less tense than before and the muscles under Lavi’s hands felt softer. “I fucking hate it,” he added sullenly and Lavi smiled.  
  
“I know,” he answered and crawled closer. He wrapped an arm around Yuu’s waist, nudged their feet together and hid his face in his hair. “I love you so much.”  
  
Yuu didn’t answer and for a moment Lavi thought he didn’t hear him, until Yuu moved to face him. His eyes, reddened and puffy, were unreadable. “Promise-” he fell silent and frowned.  
  
“What do you want me to promise?” Lavi asked and cupped his cheek. Yuu’s dark eyes wandered over his face and then aside.  
  
“It’s ridiculous,” he answered reluctantly.  
  
“Tell me.” Lavi moved closer and Yuu looked at him with a frown, before he casted his eyes down.  
  
“Promise me not do die,” he breathed, voice thin and vulnerable. Lavi inhaled deeply and pulled him close.  
  
“I promise it to you.” Lavi looked into his eyes. “Yuu, I promise,” he repeated earnestly.  
  
“You can’t promise that.” A single tear crawled over his cheek and disappeared in the dark sea of his hair.  
  
“But I do,” Lavi said urgently and scattered kisses over his wet cheeks, swollen lids, his nose, his lips. “Promised, Yuu.”  
  
Yuu fell silent, squeezed his eyes shut and curled his ice cold fingers into Lavi’s back.

 

“Can you get the laptop and the videos?” Yuu asked after a while, cheeks still blotchy but not wet. Lavi got up immediately and then they sat next to each other and watched.  
  
Alma telling about his day, filming the birds and squirrels in his grandfather’s garden, teasing Yuu. In the beginning the videos were light-hearted, but it didn’t take long until seventeen-year-old Yuu snapped at Alma. It was one of the videos Lavi didn’t go through and his eye flitted towards Yuu, who this time didn’t jump up to go on a walk. Instead he stayed next to Lavi and closed the laptop.  
  
“Yuu,” Lavi started, a hand on his shoulder. “He knew that you didn’t mean it.”  
  
“That doesn’t stop me from feeling absolutely shitty.” Yuu’s dark eyes wandered over Lavi’s face and then towards the slowly darkening sky. “I’m a fucking asshole.”  
  
“No, you’re not.” Lavi came closer and wrapped an arm around him.  
  
Yuu stared at him with a deep frown. “Yeah? Then tell me how you call someone, who snarls repeatedly at a person like Alma.” He casted his eyes down and took a deep breath. “Kind and so warm-hearted.”  
  
“You couldn’t know and he loved you just how you were back then.” Lavi moved and tried to meet his eyes. “Yuu, you were a teenager. When I was one I did a lot of dumb shit, even more than you. Alma loved you.”  
  
Yuu’s jaw worked under Lavi’s fingers and he pressed his lips together. “I feel so bad.”  
  
“I know.” Lavi pulled him closer and Yuu hid his face in the crook of his neck.

 

When Lavi woke up the next morning Yuu still lay next to him, curled up, hair ruffled and eyes closed. Lavi watched him sleep while listening to the rushing of the sea.  
  
He looked so much younger in his sleep and so vulnerable that Lavi had once more the wish to keep everything away, every painful memory, guilt, grief. He just looked at Yuu, exhausted and hurt, and warmth spread out in his whole body. Lavi had a few relationships in the last years, the catastrophic last one, but also more positives ones before. He had been in love and happy with every one aside the last one, but he had never loved with an intensity like this. It was beautiful and scary and breathtaking and invigorating at the same time and Lavi’s throat felt tight, confined by the blooming in his chest.  
  
_I want to stay with you forever_ , he thought and had to smile and cry at the same time and got up, because he didn’t want to wake Yuu up.  
  
He went into the bathroom and washed his face and then he prepared silently breakfast at the kitchen unit. When he came back into the bedroom, Yuu was sitting upright and rubbed his face tiredly. “Morning,” he murmured.  
  
“I made you breakfast,” Lavi replied and sat down on the edge of the bed.  
  
Yuu frowned. “You don’t have to coddle me.”  
  
“But I do,” Lavi answered lightly and handed him the plate. “It looks shitty, but tastes kinda okay. My omelettes are not as pretty as yours.”  
  
“Mine looked even worse in the beginning,” Yuu answered and took a bite. “A lead of five years, you remember?”  
  
Lavi laughed and lay down next to him, eye glinting and heart blooming. “I do.”  
  
A soft sea breeze came through the open window and Lavi examined Yuu for a while, until he turned his head and looked at him. “Can I help you?” he asked with a little frown and Lavi smiled at him.  
  
“How do you feel?” he asked and Yuu’s frown deepened. He didn’t answer for a moment, instead he reached out and into Lavi’s hair. His fingers curled against Lavi’s scalp and sent a shiver down his back.  
  
“Not as much better as I hoped,” he answered earnestly and picked at his food.  
  
“Not hungry?” Lavi sat up and wrapped an arm around him.  
  
“Not really. Sorry.” He leaned against him and Lavi took the plate and put it on the nightstand. “But it tastes good. Better than mine.”  
  
Lavi buried his nose in Yuu’s dark hair and pulled him close. “What can I do for you?”  
  
Yuu moved slightly. “I don’t know,” he admitted and turned his head towards Lavi, who examined him. Yuu looked less tense, but still exhausted.  
  
“Wanna stay in bed?” he suggested, fingers tangling in his loose hair. “And sleep some more?”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
They embraced each other and Lavi placed a hand between Yuu’s shoulder blades and felt his heartbeat, soon calmer than before.

 

Later that day the telephone rang and it was Yuu’s superior, who wanted to ask for a favour, despite Yuu’s leave. Lavi choked him off, in the beginning very polite and in the end less, because the man didn’t want to give up.  
  
“Who was that?” Yuu lay on his side, a pool of ink around his head. Lavi flopped down next to him and his fingers dove into the dark sea, which felt so smooth and silky against his skin.  
  
“Your boss is kind of an ass.” He wrapped a long strand around his finger and looked at Yuu, who examined him with a frown.  
  
“What did he want?” Yuu threw his hair over his shoulder and Lavi’s now empty hands started to play with his wide shirt.  
  
“I didn’t ask. I just told him that you’re on leave and therefore not available,” he answered and dipped his fingers under Yuu’s shirt.  
  
“I didn’t know that you could sound so pissed off.” Yuu pinched his cheek slightly, before he traced the scars on his face with his cool fingertips.  
  
“Yeah, I’m full of surprises.” Lavi laughed and put an arm around him.  
  
“Yeah.” Yuu closed his eyes and curled his fingers into Lavi’s shirt.

 

In the end Yuu stayed for four days in bed. He was withdrawn into himself and caught up on some sleep.  
  
Lavi gave him time and space and spent his days outside or reading on the couch. When Yuu didn’t sleep, he watched Alma’s videos and sometimes Lavi heard silent sounds. Sometimes amused snorts, sometimes the crumpling of handkerchiefs and shuddered breath. It was hard to listen without doing anything, but Yuu needed his alone time and Lavi would have done everything to make him feel better.  
  
His superior called once more, obviously hoping to get a hold of Yuu, but the only one who answered was Lavi, now a lot less friendly then before. He heard Yuu snorting after ending the call and when he peeked into the bedroom, he lay on his back, the laptop on his chest and wiping his cheeks.  
  
“You sound like a shrew,” he said, voice nasal and breathy, and Lavi laughed.  
  
“Come on, you’re on well-deserved leave,” he answered and Yuu closed the laptops. “Done with watching?”  
  
“I’m nearly as bad as you. Crying because of every dumb shit,” he jibed and Lavi smiled at him.  
  
“Yep, it rubbed up on you.” He laughed silently and sat down on the edge of the bed. “You want to be alone?”  
  
Yuu looked up to him, eyes soft and reddened, and nodded. Lavi leaned closer and kissed him, before getting up. “I’m on the couch, if you need me.”  
  
Yuu didn’t answer. Instead he closed his eyes and turned over onto his side.

 

On day five Lavi left the house to do the grocery shopping and when he came home, the arms full of bags, Yuu stepped out of the ocean, still pale, but a lot livelier.  
  
Lavi beamed at him, put the bags down and run towards him. Yuu raised his brows and caught him with a snort. Lavi threw his arms around him and kissed him ardently.  
  
“You’re getting wet,” Yuu grunted against his lips and Lavi reached into his soaking wet hair.  
  
“I don’t care,” he answered and wanted to speak on, but Yuu hooked a hand behind his neck and kissed him, long and slow.  
  
They slept with each other on the messy bed, scattering sand and sea water all over the linen. Yuu smelt like the ocean and was so much more at ease as days before. Lavi absorbed his little sounds, gasps, sighs and moans, and his heart bounced joyously in his chest.  
  
Afterwards they lay next to each other, legs tangled and noses nearly touching. “You’re feeling better,” Lavi whispered and gave him a kiss, first on the nose, then another one on the cheek and at last one on the forehead.  
  
Yuu examined him and frowned softly. “Not as much as I hoped,” he said once more and Lavi nodded understandingly.  
  
“But a little?” he asked and caught his lower lip between his own.  
  
“A little.” Two words, lost between lips and sea breeze.

 

The next days were slow and silent. Yuu still spent a lot of time on the bed with Lavi’s laptop on his stomach and Alma’s smile reflecting in his dark eyes, but afterwards they went out for long walks under the evening sky, tinted in red and orange.

 

“Thank you.”  
  
Lavi opened his eye and looked at Yuu, who lay next to him, his arms around Lavi.  
  
“For what?” he asked likewise silently and twisted his fingers into dark strands.  
  
“For…” Yuu looked at him and then past him and towards the window. The sky was full of clouds, looking heavy and at the same time soft. “For taking a vacation, right here, I guess,” he answered and his fingers stroked over Lavi’s neck and down his naked chest.  
  
Lavi beamed at him. “Thank you for inviting me in your pretty house,” he whispered and tucked a strand of hair behind Yuu’s ear.  
  
Yuu didn’t answer, instead he kissed him.

 

“Alma would be angry as fuck,” Yuu suddenly said. He lay on the bed and watched videos, while Lavi was next to him, prone and reading.  
  
“What?” he asked a little confused, his gaze still on the words in front of him.  
  
“That I’m still all fucked up,” Yuu answered a little impatiently. “Because of him.”  
  
“Do you think so?” Lavi turned over onto his side to examine him.  
  
“You don’t understand that,” Yuu explained and closed the laptop. “That’s the biggest difference between the two of you. You’re so much calmer. He would be so angry.”  
  
Lavi frowned and reached out to play with Yuu’s hair. “I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed him being really angry,” he said slowly. “I always thought that he was very sweet.”  
  
“He was very sweet, but only when he wasn’t angry,” Yuu answered and looked at the photo at the wall. “That fucker.” His voice was nothing but fond and Lavi smiled at him.

 

A day later Lavi woke up from a nap and when he looked out of the window he saw Yuu in a good distance walking home.  
  
He went to meet him half way and Yuu closed his arms around him.  
  
“Did you have a good sleep?” he asked and Lavi wrapped his arms around his neck, while nodding.  
  
“Where have you been? Did you visit your landlady?” he asked with a little frown and Yuu stepped back and took his hand.  
  
“Yeah, I killed her and dumped her body in the ocean,” he deadpanned and Lavi stared at him for a moment, before he started to laugh.  
  
“Oh my goodness, don’t joke about something like this, especially not with that face.”  
  
Yuu rolled his eyes and let go of his hand, but only to retie his messy bun. “Anja called and told me that she’s still very sorry and since I don’t want the old hag to get a heart attack and shit, I talked with her.”  
  
“Without bloody murder?” Lavi asked and nudged their shoulders together.  
  
Yuu nodded and sighed. “I’m still pissed. A lot,” he added and started to walk. Lavi took his hand and followed him. “But she’s sorry and you’re still alive, so…”  
  
“That was very kind of you.” Lavi smiled at him and started to laugh, when Yuu raised a brow.  
  
“What the hell are you talking about? I’m a prick.” Lavi laughed even louder and he rolled his eyes once more.

 

Later that day Lavi chopped vegetables for omelettes - practice makes perfect – when Yuu leaned against the counter next to him.  
  
“Can you go for a walk? I have to make a call,” he said and examined the chopped bell peppers on the cutting board. Lavi raised his brows and looked at him, but only until he noticed the self-consciousness in the hard line of his mouth.  
  
“Okay,” he answered, washed his hands and was already half out the door after quick peck on Yuu’s cheek, when he stopped. “But you aren’t calling your superior, are you?”  
  
“What? No, fuck that guy,” Yuu replied with an impressive frown. “I’m on fucking leave.”  
  
“That’s what I wanted to hear. See you in a bit, my love.” Lavi didn’t have to look at him to know that Yuu was rolling his eyes and closed the door with a little laugh.  
  
Lavi walked over dry sand until his feet touched water and sat down. Sea foam washed around his feet and he watched the sky, full of clouds. In some distance the lighthouse stood out with its red and white strips in the grey in grey. Lavi curled his toes into the wet sand and picked up a sea shell, which shimmered pearlescent on one side.  
  
He didn’t hear Yuu, until he was right behind him and sat down, one leg on each of his sides and Lavi leaned back. “Already finished?” he asked and tilted his head to look at Yuu, who was even in this unflattering angle gorgeous.  
  
He nodded and moved his legs slightly, when Lavi’s hands smoothed over his thighs. “Wanna go back inside?”  
  
“Let’s stay a little longer.” Lavi closed his eye, enjoying Yuu’s warmth. Yuu didn’t answer, instead he started to play with Lavi’s hair, which sent a pleasant shiver down his back.  
  
“Don’t you wanna know whom I called?” Yuu asked after a minute and Lavi opened his eye reluctantly.  
  
“Only if you want to tell me,” he answered and turned enough to face him. Yuu looked at him for a long moment, but didn’t say anything and so Lavi closed his eye once more and nestled up to his chest. Yuu dipped his fingers into his shirt and started to scratch his back and Lavi couldn’t stop smiling. “That feels so nice.”  
  
They stayed like this for a while, Lavi dozing off in Yuu’s arms, until Yuu suddenly started to talk. “I’m gonna give it another try.”  
  
“What?” Lavi asked without opening his eye.  
  
“Counselling,” Yuu answered after a long moment and now Lavi looked up. “It probably will end like the last time, but I guess, I can try it once more.” He pressed his lips together and Lavi looked away to make it easier for him.  
  
“What gave you the idea?” he asked carefully and traced a seam on Yuu’s thigh with his index finger.  
  
“Talking about him… it kinda helped,” he answered slowly and gently scratched Lavi’s scalp. “And I want to make you happy and I don’t know how, when I’m like this,” he added after a moment and Lavi’s eye snapped towards him.  
  
He sat up and laid his hands on Yuu’s knees. “You’re making me happy, very happy.”  
  
Yuu examined him for a very long moment, before he casted his eyes down. “Yes?”  
  
“Yes,” Lavi replied firmly and took his face in his hands. “I like that you give counselling another chance, but I love you the way you are. So much.”  
  
Yuu didn’t reply anything, instead he looked at Lavi, eyes so soft, and cupped his cheek. Lavi wrapped his arms around him and they kissed, enshrouded by breeze and sea.

 

Two days later Lavi was surprised by heavy rain, while he was on a walk, and somehow managed to run home without slipping on the wet sand. He nearly walked into Yuu, who wanted to leave the house with an umbrella in his hands and wearing his rain jacket.  
  
Lavi nearly lost his footing, but Yuu grabbed his arm and together they stayed on their feet.  
  
“Thank you,” Lavi puffed breathlessly and smiled at him. “Where are you going?”  
  
“Looking for you,” Yuu answered and stepped back inside. “Come, I don’t want you to get sick.”  
  
“Oh, that’s nice.” Yuu threw jacket and umbrella aside and pulled Lavi’s soaking wet hoodie over his head. “Come on, you just want to undress me.”  
  
Yuu rolled his eyes and went to get a towel. “Yeah, of course,” he snorted and Lavi started to laugh, but only until Yuu threw the towel over his head and started to dry him off furiously. “Stop moving so much.”  
  
“Stop ruining my hair,” Lavi countered and snatched the towel. “And now you.”  
  
“I’m not wet,” Yuu answered with a frown and dodged. “Leave my hair alone.”  
  
“I clearly see a drop of rain on your forehead. Come here.” Lavi laughed and started to chase him and Yuu fled into the bedroom, of course not without rolling his eyes. He avoided Lavi easily and then he grabbed him by the waist and pushed him on the bed. “Hey, that’s unfair. You’re stronger than me.” Yuu, obviously not caring, straddled him and took the towel. “You’re ruining my hair.”  
  
“It’s already ruined and now get out of your wet clothes.” Yuu threw the towel aside and reached for his belt.  
  
“I knew it. You just want to undress me. Admit it.” Lavi raised his hips obediently and his pants landed on the floor.  
  
“Yep,” Yuu deadpanned, poked his fingers into Lavi’s sides and made him laugh even louder.

 

Later Lavi woke up from a little nap and Yuu didn’t lie next to him, instead he sat at his desk. He turned around, when he heard Lavi’s steps.  
  
“What are you doing?” Lavi asked and stepped between his legs to wrap his arms around him. Yuu laid his warm hands on the small of his back and his breath ghosted over naked skin.  
  
“Miranda sent me an e-mail with photos,” he replied and looked up to Lavi, who smiled at him.  
  
“Of the baby?” he asked excitedly and Yuu nodded. He wore his hair once more in the messy bun Lavi loved so much. His hand crawled towards Yuu’s nape and wrapped a thin loose strand of hair around his fingers.  
  
“Wanna take a look?” Yuu’s fingers rubbed small circles into Lavi’s sides. “It’s quite a lot. I just started to look at them.”  
  
“Yeah.” Lavi sat down sideways on his lap and Yuu wrapped an arm around his back, before he started to click through the photos, but they only made it to the first one when Lavi stopped him. “Oh my god, that’s adorable.” A little human with tiny hands in the arms of her proud father.  
  
Yuu looked at him and raised his brows. Lavi snorted and felt heat crawling over his cheeks.  
  
“Hey, don’t judge me. I love babies.” Yuu narrowed his eyes and Lavi started to laugh. “I don’t want to have one myself, but they’re so adorable,” he explained and Yuu scrutinized him for another long moment. Lavi raised his brows and examined him amusedly.  
  
“Just to get that right,” Yuu started with a frown. “You like them, but you don’t want to have one?” he asked slowly.  
  
“No, I can’t even take care of a plant,” he replied and was now really laughing, because of Yuu’s relieved sigh.  
  
“Thank god,” he said and snorted, when Lavi didn’t stop laughing. “I don’t like children.”  
  
“What a surprise.” Lavi winked at him and Yuu rolled his eyes. “But no, don’t worry.” He stroked over his head. “But she’s adorable, isn’t she?”  
  
Yuu looked at him and then he deadpanned at the picture. “Well, it’s a baby,” he said after a moment and Lavi snorted, before putting an arm around him.  
  
“Show me the rest.”  
  
It were a lot of photos. Little Mina lying on her father’s chest, sleeping in her mother’s arms, held by her big sister Johanna, who was as cute as her baby sister and had lots of chocolate brown curls and big dark eyes. The last one was of the proud grandfather. Froi held Mina, while Johanna sat on his knees. He beamed into the camera and looked so happy. He got visibly older, even though it was only five years ago that Lavi had seen him the last time. His brown hair was nearly completely grey and he had even more laugh lines around his eyes than before.  
  
Yuu stared at his father’s face for a long time, not noticing Lavi looking at him, until the call of a seagull resonated. He turned his head and met Lavi’s eye. “He got so old,” he said slowly, eyes wandering back to the photo, and Lavi nodded. “The last time I saw him was on the photos of Marie’s and Miranda’s wedding.”  
  
Lavi didn’t answer and so they sat in silence for a while, until Yuu cleared his throat. “Maybe…”  
  
“Yeah?” Lavi tucked a strand of hair behind his ear and Yuu looked up to him, before he shook his head.  
  
“It’s not important.” He leaned his face against Lavi’s shoulder and closed his eyes for a moment.  
  
“You’re thinking about visiting them, aren’t you?” Lavi asked carefully and Yuu nodded without opening his eyes.  
  
“Probably not,” he answered and Lavi nodded with a smile.  
  
“Okay,” he replied and then Yuu printed one of the photos, not the one with his father, and put it with a magnet on the fridge.

 

Lavi was already half asleep, when Yuu stirred next to him. His warm hand moved over Lavi’s waist and up to his rips.  
  
“Lavi?” he whispered barely audible and his warm breath touched Lavi’s nape.  
  
“Yeah?” he answered drowsily and turned over onto his other side.  
  
“I thought you were still awake. Sorry.” He could barely see him in the darkness, aside from a part of his neck, illuminated by silvery moonlight creeping through a gap in the curtains. Lavi crawled closer until he could hide his face in the crook of his neck. One of his hands sneaked under Yuu’s shirt and over his back.  
  
“It’s fine. What do you want?” Lavi stroked over waist and sighed in relish, bathed in warmth and comfort.  
  
“Do you wanna tag along?” Yuu asked after a moment and started to play with his hair. “Visiting,” he added when Lavi didn’t answer immediately.  
  
“Yeah.” He raised his head and looked at him through the darkness. “I would love to.”  
  
Yuu curled his fingers against Lavi’s scalp. “Okay, then let’s do it tomorrow, before I change my mind, which I’m probably going to do,” he replied silently and Lavi nodded with a smile.  
  
“Sounds like a plan.”

 

They didn’t sleep a lot in this night. Lavi woke up repeatedly, because Yuu didn’t stop tossing and turning next to him. In the morning they ate Lavi’s tasty but not really pretty omelettes, or at least Lavi ate, while Yuu picked at his food.  
  
Lavi hooked his foot behind his ankle and smiled at him and Yuu’s frown softened a little. “I’m probably going to chicken out,” he said and Lavi nodded.  
  
“That’s okay by me,” he answered and then he devoured Yuu’s serving, too, still playing footsies under the table.  
  
Soon they sat in the car and drove in silence, landscape slowly changing to soft hills and forests. Yuu stared out of the window and Lavi left him alone for a while, dwelling on his own thoughts. Yuu’s fingers thrummed on his thigh and Lavi saw his jaw working and finally he reached out and brushed over his cheek. Yuu didn’t look at him, but he leaned his face slightly into the touch and the thrumming stopped.  
  
“I love you very much,” he said after a while and Lavi needed a moment to understand, why his heart bounced against his ribcage, but then it dawned on him. This was the first time Yuu said it on his own accord and not as an answer. Lavi inhaled shakily and his grip around the steering wheel tightened. Then he beamed at him, his eye a little wet.  
  
Yuu met his eye, the line of his mouth soft, and it was a wonderful moment, until Yuu started to frown after a few seconds. “Could you please look at the road?” he asked and stared at him.  
  
Lavi flinched. “Oh my god,” he answered and started to laugh. “I’m sorry,” he said and Yuu sighed long-drawn-out.  
  
“I kinda don’t want to die,” he pointed out and cut him a not really serious look and now Lavi was really laughing.  
  
“I’m so sorry,” he repeated. “I was just so smitten. I love you, too.” He smiled at Yuu and reached out to take his hand. “So much.”  
  
Yuu intertwined their fingers and didn’t even roll his eyes. “Smitten?” he repeated after a moment with a long side-glance.  
  
“Yeah,” Lavi admitted and felt a little blush on his cheeks. “Very much. Can you say it again?”  
  
Yuu frowned, but Lavi didn’t miss the heat creeping up his neck. “I love you,” he said slightly hesitantly and then he looked away. Now Lavi was smitten and pressed his fingers fondly.  
  
“Thank you. I love you, too.” Yuu shot him a look and the corners of his mouth twitched a little. Once more they lapsed into silence, hands still joined.  
  
Soon Yuu tensed up next to him. They came closer to their exit and Lavi shot him a quick look and when he didn’t protest, Lavi started to indicate. It was silent for a few seconds, until Yuu stirred next to him.  
  
“Chicken!” he said all of a sudden a little too loud and startled Lavi enough to brake hard. Fortunately nobody was behind them.  
  
“A chicken? Where?” he asked wide-eyed and Yuu stared at him for a long moment.  
  
“What? I want to chicken out,” he answered confusedly and Lavi eyed him surprised for the blink of an eye, before he burst into laughter. “What the hell?”  
  
“Yuu, you gave me a fucking heart attack.” Lavi stopped indicating and they drove past the exit. He couldn’t stop laughing and to his big surprise Yuu joined in after a moment, even though a lot more composed than Lavi. Sincere laughter and not just a snort.  
  
“What the hell is wrong with you?” he asked him laughingly and Lavi had to pull over, because he was tearing up and he couldn’t stop looking at Yuu and the glint in his dark eyes.  
  
They stood at the street’s shoulder and Yuu needed only a minute to regain his composure and was nice enough to hand him a handkerchief.  
  
“I’m driving like a maniac today,” Lavi said, still giggling, and wiped his cheeks.  
  
“No, you don’t,” Yuu answered, voice very even, and his face was as strained as before, humour somewhere lost between churned up memories. Lavi examined him for a moment, before he unbuckled his seat belt and leaned closer. He took his face in his hands and smiled at him.  
  
“Wanna drive home?” he asked softly and Yuu nodded slowly. “Okay.” Lavi kissed him on the hard line of his mouth, before he belted up.  
  
They took the next exit and turned at the first opportunity. Soon they were back on the road, but Yuu didn’t look more relaxed. Instead he threw a contrite look at Lavi, while chewing his bottom lip.  
  
“What is it, my love?” he asked and Yuu even ignored the pet name. He didn’t answer immediately and his eyes flitted aside. “Changed your mind?” Lavi ventured a guess and Yuu sighed silently.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he said, but Lavi stopped him with a wave of his hands. He indicated and took the next exit to turn once more.  
  
“Don’t, it’s fine,” he answered lightly. “And if you want to chicken out once more, it’s also fine.” He smiled at him and Yuu laid a hand on his thigh.  
  
But Yuu didn’t change his mind. Instead he squeezed Lavi’s thigh when they took the exit and drove to his parental home. Yuu was uneasy and pale and Lavi couldn’t blame him. It was incredibly weird to drive through their old home town after all that had happened. After a car crash and a lost eye, hard months and years, grief and trauma.  
  
“Maybe he’s not home,” Yuu said after a while and nearly sounded hopefully.  
  
“Yeah, maybe,” answered Lavi and turned into his old street. “My goodness, everything looks so different and at the same time exactly the same.” They slowly drove past the house, which once had been Lavi’s home and was now occupied by another family. He saw a swing set and neatly cut lawn. “It’s so weird.”  
  
Yuu didn’t answer, but his fingers fidgeted with the seam on the outside of Lavi’s thigh. Lavi shot him a look.  
  
“Home?” he asked, but Yuu shook his head.  
  
“I’m gonna brave it out,” he answered and pressed Lavi’s leg. “Plunging into the fucking ocean was easier.”  
  
Lavi smiled and nodded. “Yeah, it was.” He laid his hand on top of Yuu’s, before he had to change gears. He turned into the next street and then they were there. Yuu’s parental home looked nearly the same as five years ago, the only difference were the flowers next to the door. Even the same garden gnome stood next to the apple tree, only more faded out than before.  
  
“He still has that ugly thing,” Yuu said sullenly and Lavi started to laugh.  
  
“I thought the same.” He parked in front of the house and stopped the engine. He unbuckled his seatbelt and was ready, but Yuu didn’t move and so Lavi reached out and laid a hand on his shoulder. “Wanna go in?” he asked softly and Yuu darted a short look at him, lips pressed together.  
  
“I…” He fell silent and started to play with the hem of his shirt, but only until Lavi reached into his pocket and handed him a piece of amber. Yuu turned it between his fingers, a soft frown on his face. “I wasn’t a very good son,” he finally said and his frown deepened.  
  
Lavi leaned over to him and tucked a loose strand of hair behind his ear. “You lost somebody, who was very important to you. You had to leave, that were your own words, right?” Lavi cupped his cheek and Yuu looked at him, eyes unusually insecure. “Maybe you weren’t a good son, but you’re still a good person.”  
  
They locked eyes and after a moment Yuu gave him a smile, tiny, barely visible and hidden behind dark lashes. “Thank you,” he said faintly, took Lavi’s face in his hands and kissed him. It was soft and gentle and then they got out the car and walked hand in hand towards the door.  
  
Yuu knocked, the hand in Lavi’s cold and clammy, and they only had to wait for a few seconds, until somebody opened. It wasn’t Yuu’s father, but a woman with soft dark locks and an even softer smile. Miranda, Marie’s wife.  
  
She examined them for a moment and then she faltered. “Yuu?” she asked honestly surprised.  
  
“Kanda,” he corrected her and held out his hand. “Hello Miranda.”  
  
“Hello Kanda,” she answered with a shy smile while shaking his hand and then she looked at Lavi. “I think I know you from photos.”  
  
“Lavi,” he introduced himself and shook her hand. “Congratulations to the birth of your second daughter. I saw the pictures. She’s adorable.”  
  
Miranda beamed at him and casted her eyes down. “Thank you so much.” Despite the dark circles under her eyes, she radiated so much bliss that Lavi had to smile.  
  
Yuu didn’t say anything and so Lavi did. “Is Froi home? And Marie?”  
  
“Marie and Johanna are on the playground nearby. Froi is in his studio,” she answered and stepped aside. “I can call Marie?”  
  
“No,” Yuu answered quickly. “I mean, he’s probably going to come home sometime, right?” He stepped past her and shot a quick look over his shoulder at Lavi, eyes wide and mouth tense. Lavi smiled reassuringly at him.  
  
“Okay,” Miranda answered a little surprised, but didn’t say more. Yuu stepped into the corridor and looked around, until his eyes set on a painting right next to him. Two children, dark-haired and dark-eyed. One of them with a huge smile, the other one earnest. Yuu examined Alma’s face for a long moment, before he kept going, only to pause once more at the door to his father’s studio.  
  
Lavi stepped a little closer and Miranda closed the door behind him. Froi sat on a stool in front of a nearly finished painting with the back towards the door. Heavy sea and a sky full of clouds, absolutely beautiful. Lavi had always loved Froi’s paintings.  
  
“Who was at the door, Miranda?” he asked without turning around, voice serene and friendly. Yuu stepped closer and cleared his throat.  
  
“Father,” he said with a very even voice and Froi froze for a second, the brush levitating over seafoam, until he turned around. He stared at Yuu, eyes wide and mouth agape, and the brush fell out of his hand.  
  
“Yuu,” he said softly and got up. He stood there motionlessly for a moment, until he inhaled deeply. Tears started to run over his cheeks and a huge smile spread out on his whole face. “Yuu, oh my god.”  
  
“Father,” Yuu repeated stiffly and then his father stumbled towards him and embraced him.  
  
“Yuu, oh, Yuu.” His hands were full of paint, but neither he nor Yuu cared. He laid a hand on his son’s cheek, leaving a stain of storm grey behind, before he pulled him close. He cried against his shoulder and Yuu tentatively returned the hug after a moment. He relaxed slightly and patted his father’s back. Lavi darted a look at Miranda, who seemed to be as touched as he was. She smiled at him and wiped her eyes with her sleeve.  
  
They stood there like this for a while, father and son shrouded by the smell of paint and walls full of drawings. Landscapes, still lifes, portraits. Yuu as a child, as a teenager, as a young man. Alone, with Alma, with his brother and on one even together with Lavi, two green eyes and no scars.  
  
Froi needed a while to regain his composure. Yuu’s hand moved patiently over his back and after a while he slightly turned his head and shot a look at Lavi, who smiled at him, but only until he mouthed, “Help.”  
  
Miranda and Lavi both started to laugh and Froi looked up. “Oh my, you don’t like being hugged. I’m sorry, I forgot,” he said with a sheepish smile and let go of him, shoving his hands into his pockets in the search of a handkerchief.  
  
“It’s fine,” Yuu replied and Froi followed his eyes and looked past him and at Lavi. His eyes widened once more.  
  
“Oh my god, Lavi!” He beamed at him. “I didn’t see you in forever, son.”  
  
“Hello.” Lavi smiled at him and got a hug, too. Froi patted his back and faltered only for a moment, when his eyes wandered over the scars in Lavi’s face and the eyepatch, but he didn’t say anything. Instead he pressed his shoulders, only to wince when he saw the stains of colour.  
  
“Oh no.” He smiled embarrassedly. “I didn’t though about the paint. I’m sorry.”  
  
Both of them had a few stains on their clothes in different shades of ocean and sky. “It’s fine,” Lavi said reassuringly and patted his shoulder. “Don’t worry about it.”  
  
Froi nodded and then his eyes wandered from Lavi to his son and he raised his brows. Lavi started to smile and stepped closer to Yuu to nudge their shoulders together. Froi looked a little puzzled at them, until he paused.  
  
“Wait,” he said and then he started to beam. “Don’t you tell me… You two?”  
  
“Yep,” Yuu answered and laid a cold hand on Lavi’s back.  
  
“That’s wonderful!” Froi immediately forgot about the paint on his hands and clothes and threw his arms around both of them. They nearly knocked their heads against each other and Lavi laughed, because Yuu looked less tense now and instead a little annoyed. “How long are you together?” Froi wanted to know and stepped back.  
  
“Not long,” Lavi answered smilingly. “I was on vacation and we just met again.”  
  
“Really? That’s wonderful,” Froi repeated and was clearly thrilled. “I always thought that the two of you are a great match.”  
  
Yuu only nodded and then it was silent for a moment and his eyes wandered back to the painting behind them. Young Yuu was stern, but Alma’s smile was bright and soft. Lavi clearly felt him tensing up and laid a hand on the small of his back.  
  
“How about some tea?” Miranda offered, sensing what was going on.  
  
“Yes, thank you,” Lavi replied immediately and then they followed her into the kitchen, only Froi excused himself to change into clean clothes. Miranda prepared tea and Yuu disappeared into the guest bathroom. Lavi knocked faintly and walked in as soon as Yuu opened the door. “Are you fine?” he asked and Yuu nodded.  
  
He stood in front of the mirror and washed the paint on his cheek off. “Yeah. Just a lot of memories.” He swallowed hardly and Lavi placed his hands on his shoulders.  
  
“Do you want to go home?” He examined him through the mirror and they locked eyes for a moment, but Yuu shook his head.  
  
“It’s fine,” he answered softly and turned his head, when Lavi leaned closer. He gave him a kiss on his now clean cheek and then another one on the lips.  
  
Froi was already back in the kitchen, when they left the bathroom, and rummaged through one of the cabinets. “Lavi, are you still such a sweet tooth?” he asked and Lavi nodded with a smile, even though he wasn’t particular hungry. Froi handed him a package of cookies.  
  
“That’s very nice. Thank you.”  
  
Miranda served the tea and Lavi took care of the conversation, while Yuu sipped his tea in silence, steadily fidgeting with a piece of amber under the table. Lavi laid a hand on his knee and Yuu’s cold fingertips brushed over his wrist.  
  
Froi was clearly very happy about their visit, but he seemed to notice how uneasy his son was. His eyes often rested on his pale face, but he didn’t address it and mostly talked with Lavi, probably to give him some time.  
  
Lavi just talked about their house at the beach, when the front door was opened and only a moment later a little girl flew through the kitchen door and into the arms of her mother. She eyed Lavi and Yuu for a second, before she leaned to her grandfather and whispered into his ear.  
  
“That’s your uncle and his boyfriend, honey,” he answered gently and Yuu got up.  
  
“Are we having visitors?” Marie asked and slipped out of his jacket. “And please let me take your shoes off or at least wipe your feet, Johanna.”  
  
“Hello Marie,” Yuu said silently and Marie froze for a moment, before he frowned, dark eyes wide.  
  
“Yuu?” he asked incredulously and blinked. “Is that really you?”  
  
“Yeah,” he answered. “It’s me.”  
  
Marie tentatively stepped closer. “Did something happen?” he asked and reached out. Yuu took a quick step, until Marie’s hand touched his shoulder.  
  
“No, just saying hello,” he replied and Marie started to smile. He hugged him, less rapturously than their father, and his eyes got a little wet.  
  
“That’s great.” His hands rubbed over Yuu’s back and he frowned once more. “You’re so much less lean than the last time we saw each other. You’re swimming a lot, aren’t you?” His hand wandered up and he touched Yuu’s bun. “And your hair is still so long. Can I touch your face?”  
  
“Go ahead,” Yuu said and closed his eyes. Marie’s fingers brushed over his jaw and cheeks and up to his forehead.  
  
“And you got a broad jaw. My, you really grew up.” Marie beamed at him. “It’s wonderful to see you.”  
  
Yuu didn’t reply, but he nodded and Marie drew his hands back. “I’m not alone.”  
  
“Hello Marie,” Lavi said with a smile. “Do you remember me?”  
  
“Lavi?” Marie smiled and reached out.  
  
“Yep, it’s me.” Lavi took his hand and they hugged. Marie patted his back and then he laid his broad hands on his shoulders.  
  
“It’s great to see you, but allow me the question, what are you doing here?” He frowned softly and smiled at him.  
  
“They’re a couple!” Froi chimed in. “I always said that they’re great match, didn’t I?”  
  
Marie raised his brows. “Really?” His smile grew wider. “Yeah, you did, dad.” He patted Lavi’s back once more. “That’s nice to hear.”  
  
“Yeah,” Yuu said and it was silent for a moment, until Johanna tugged at Lavi’s sleeve.  
  
“Yes?” He smiled at her and she kept tugging, until he crouched down.  
  
She examined him for another moment, before she grabbed his shoulder and whispered into his ear, “Are you a pirate?”  
  
Lavi started to laugh and nodded without skipping a beat. “Yeah, of course I am.”  
  
She looked at him with wide eyes. “Do you have a ship? And a parrot?” she asked and her mother winced, because she could guess what her daughter just asked.  
  
“Johanna, please,” she said and smiled embarrassedly. “Lavi, I’m sorry.”  
  
“Not, it’s fine,” he answered with a huge smile and looked back at the little girl. “No, but I live at the sea and, you know, they call me captain,” he explained casually and Yuu snorted. “He calls me captain, doesn’t he?” He looked up at Yuu, who raised a brow.  
  
“Yes, captain dipshit,” he answered, only to pause after a moment. “And that’s a word I probably shouldn’t say in front of a child. I’m sorry.”  
  
“What’s a dipshit?” Johanna asked and Lavi started to laugh.  
  
“Yuu,” he said. “That’s your first interaction with your niece and the first thing you do is to teach her expletives.“  
  
“It’s fine.” Marie picked his daughter up with a laugh and patted her back. “Don’t worry about it. It happens to the best of us.”  
  
Lavi got up and closed a hand around Yuu’s wrist. His hand was a little less cold than before. Miranda’s eyes wandered from Lavi to Yuu and she smiled.  
  
“Do you want to see the baby?” she asked and Lavi nodded immediately. “Okay, I’ll get her.” She went upstairs and Froi scurried away to get another chair for Marie. They went back into the kitchen and soon Miranda was back. She sat down next to her husband and Johanna crawled over his lap to have a look at her sister, who blinked tiredly at her. “Uncle Kanda, do you want to hold her?” she asked and Lavi felt him tensing up, so he chimed in.  
  
“Uh, can I maybe hold her?” he asked and Yuu nodded next to him immediately.  
  
“He’s great with children,” he assured, relief barely hidden.  
  
“Of course you can.” Miranda laid her into his arms and Lavi beamed at her. Mina blinked at him, before she closed her eyes. She had lots of dark hair like her mother and dark eyes like her father. Yuu leaned a little closer and Lavi turned slightly, so he could take a better look at her.  
  
“She’s adorable,” Lavi said with a smile and got up to carefully hand her back to her mother. “She looks a lot like the two of you.”  
  
“Yeah, she does.” Marie smiled happily and patted Johanna’s head. “Both of them do.”  
  
“What happened with your eye?” the little girl asked, examining him with big eyes, and Lavi froze for a moment.  
  
“Johanna, please,” her grandfather started, but Lavi stopped him with a wave of his hand.  
  
“It’s fine, she’s just curious,” he said composedly and reached for Yuu’s hand under the table. Miranda leaned to her daughter and stroked over her head.  
  
“Hanni, would you please go and play in the living room, while the grown-ups talk?” she asked her gently and her daughter shot a last curious look at Lavi’s eyepatch before she jumped to her feet and ran into the living room. It was silent for a moment and then she started to play boisterously. “Lavi, I’m sorry.”  
  
“No, please don’t,” he answered with an understanding smile. “She’s just a child. It’s fine.” Yuu intertwined their fingers and his thumb started to caress the back of Lavi’s hand. He examined him for a moment and then he looked back at his boyfriend’s family. _I had an accident_. He had used these words so often in the last months. He examined their friendly faces and decided to brave it out, like Yuu did when they got in the car earlier this day. He was so tired of lying. “I was in a very bad relationship and my ex-boyfriend attacked me, when I tried to break up with him,” he explained and was surprised how firm his voice sounded. “The eye is gone, but I’m not and now everything is going to be alright.” He smiled at Yuu, who laid an arm around his shoulders.  
  
“Lavi, I’m very sorry to hear that,” Froi said afflicted and his son and daughter-in-law nodded, both with deep frowns on their faces.  
  
“Thanks, I appreciate it.” Lavi leaned against Yuu, who was solid as a rock next to him, even in his uneasiness. It was silent for a moment, until Marie tried to resolve the tension.  
  
“How is your study going? Can we call you already a doctor?” he asked kindly and Yuu’s hand on Lavi’s shoulder twitched.  
  
“I dropped out, but I’ll re-enrol in linguistics in the coming semester,” he answered and chuckled when Marie winced because of his blunder. “It’s fine, you couldn’t know.”  
  
“Linguistics,” chimed Miranda in and then they talked about Lavi’s new field of study. Yuu didn’t say much and listened, his thumb rubbing small circles into Lavi’s shoulder.  
  
After a while Johanna appeared in the doorway and tugged once more at Lavi’s sleeve. “Captain,” she said and he started to laugh.  
  
“Yes, mate?” he answered and she giggled.  
  
“Grandpa got me a doll. Do you want to see her?” she asked and looked so proud that Lavi’s heart was melting. Of course he wanted to. He shot a look at Yuu, who was half-heartedly judging him and started to laugh. “Grandpa comes along, too!” she announced and both of them got up to follow her, while she led the way.  
  
“She’s great, isn’t she?” Froi asked proudly and Lavi agreed wholeheartedly. Soon they sat next to each other on the floor of the living room and Johanna dashed over the carpet to pick up each of her toys.  
  
“That’s Anna!” she explained and waived with a brunette doll. “And that’s her sister Klara.” She pointed at a blonde doll wearing a similar dress to the one called Anna. Lavi listened patiently, while Yuu talked with his brother and his sister-in-law in the kitchen, until Mina started to cry. Marie went with her upstairs and Johanna ran after them.  
  
Lavi wanted to go back into the kitchen, but Froi laid a hand on his knee and stopped him. He shot a fast look over his shoulder to his son and daughter-in-law, who now got up, too.  
  
“I’ll have a look at the computer,” Yuu explained, relieved to escape small talk.  
  
“But only if it’s no trouble to you?” Miranda asked carefully, but he shook his head.  
  
“Don’t worry. It sounds like a problem with the firewall and that’s easily fixable.” They went upstairs and Lavi looked at Froi.  
  
“How can I help you?” he asked friendly and his boyfriend’s father examined him for a moment. He took his glasses off and cleaned them with the hem of his shirt.  
  
“Lavi,” he started slowly and looked at him thoughtfully. “You know that Yuu doesn’t talk to me often.” Lavi nodded and Froi spoke on. “I don’t really know… I don’t know how he is, you know?” He put his glasses back on and sighed. “Is he happy?” he finally asked and Lavi examined him for a long moment, before he answered.  
  
“He’s…,” he started slowly and inhaled deeply. “Alma’s death broke his heart and he’s working very hard on finding peace.” He looked candidly at Froi. “He’s on the upgrade.”  
  
“Is he?” Froi asked and returned his smile, when Lavi nodded. “Are you looking after him?”  
  
“Yes, and he’s looking after me,” Lavi replied with another smile and darted a look through the door, when steps resonated on the stairs. “Froi, you don’t have to worry about him.”  
  
“That’s nice to hear,” he answered and beamed at his youngest son, who peeked into the living room. “Did you fix it?”  
  
He nodded. “It should be working now without problems.”  
  
They went back to the kitchen and soon Miranda, Marie and Johanna joined again. They stayed for another hour and talked, mostly about the children and Yuu’s little house at the shore, until it was time to drive home.  
  
“Are you coming back?” Froi asked, when they stood at the door, and Yuu nodded after a moment.  
  
“Yeah, but I don’t know when,” he said sincerely and his father nodded understandingly.  
  
“I know it’s tough for you to be here.” He embraced his son and then Lavi. “It was wonderful to see you. Take good care of each other.”  
  
“Yes, we will,” Yuu replied and a few hugs later they were finally out of the door and on their way back to the car. Lavi fumbled for his keys and then they hit the road.  
  
Yuu leaned back with a long sigh as soon as his waving family was out of sight and Lavi smiled at him.  
  
“How do you feel?” he asked gently and Yuu laid a hand on his thigh.  
  
“Relieved,” he answered and looked for a long moment at Lavi, eyes soft. “Thank you for tagging along and being there and I don’t know.” He casted his eyes down and Lavi pulled over, before he took his hand.  
  
“You’re welcome. And thank you, too, for being there and stumbling back into my life,” he replied and blinked teary-eyed at him. “My love.”  
  
“We’re so corny,” Yuu answered and snorted, before he reached out and his fingers brushed over Lavi’s lower lashes. Lavi started to laugh and beamed at him.  
  
“Yeah, we are.”  
  
They stayed another moment like this, Yuu’s hand on his cheek, and then Lavi leaned towards him and they kissed.  
  
“Wanna go home?” he asked and Yuu nodded, but not without giving him another kiss.  
  
“Yeah, let’s go.” He leaned back and put his hand once more on Lavi’s thigh, who restarted the engine.  
  
And so they drove back to their small and secluded home, their hideaway.


End file.
